Pulp by Charles Bukowski

matter if she was a space alien? The way she looked you wanted more of them around. But Grovers was my client. I had to do this one in, off her, move her out of the picture. I never got any rest. I was always on the hustle for somebody.
    I swung around my desk, flopped on my chair, tossed my derby onto the hat rack, lit a cigar and sighed. Jeannie just sat on the desk, kicking her legs.
    “To answer your question, Jeannie, I’m doin’ all right.”
    “I’ve come to make a deal with you, Belane.”
    “I’d rather hear a Scarlatti sonata.”
    “How long since you had a woman?”
    “Who cares?”
    “You should.”
    “Suppose I don’t?”
    “Suppose you do?”
    “You offering me your bod, Jeannie?”
    “Maybe.”
    “What’s the maybe? Either you do or you don’t.”
    “The bod is part of the deal.”
    “Which is?”
    Jeannie popped off the desk and began walking the rug. She looked good walking the rug.
    “Belane,” she said while still walking, “I’m the first wave of an invasion force from Space. We are going to take over the earth.”
    “Why?”
    “I’m from the planet Zaros. We are overpopulated. We need the earth for our excess people.”
    “Well, why in the hell don’t you come on in? You look just like humans. Nobody would ever know.”
    Jeannie stopped walking and faced me.
    “Belane, we don’t look like this. What you are seeing is only a mirage.”
    Jeannie came over and sat down on my desk again.
    “What do you really look like?” I asked.
    “This,” she said.
    There was a flash of purple light. I looked down on my desk. There was this thing . It looked like an above average size snake, only it was covered with coarse hair and at its center was a round, moist glob with a single eye. The head had no eyes, only a thin mouth. It was truly a hideous looking thing. I grabbed the telephone, raised it high and brought it down hard. I missed. The thing had slithered to one side. It crawled down along the rug. I ran after it to crush it with my shoe. There was another flash of purple light and then Jeannie stood there again.
    “You fool,” she said, “you tried to kill me. Don’t anger me or I’ll take you out!”
    Her eyes were blazing.
    “O.k., baby, o.k., I just got kind of confused. Sorry.”
    “All right, forget it. Now, we are an advance force sent to scout the earth for our excess population. But we feel it would only be sensible to align some of you humans to our Cause. Like you.”
    “Why me?”
    “You’re the perfect type, you’re gullible, self-centered and have no character.”
    “What’s with Grovers? Why him? Why the dead bodies? How does he fit?”
    Jeannie laughed.
    “He doesn’t. We just landed there. I became somewhat attached to him, just a mild flirtation, something to do….”
    “And me? You got the hots for me, baby?”
    “You’re usable for the Cause.”
    She moved toward me. I was totally entranced. Her body was against mine, we pressed together. We embraced and our mouths joined. Her tongue darted into my mouth, it was hot and wiggled like a small snake.
    I pushed her away.
    “No,” I said, “I’m sorry, I can’t!”
    She looked at me.
    “What is it, Belane? You too old?”
    “It’s not that, baby…”
    “What is it?”
    “I don’t want to hurt your feelings…”
    “Tell me, Belane…”
    “Well, you might turn into that ugly thing again with the bump in the middle and that one eye…”
    “Why you fat fuck, Zaronians are beautiful!”
    “I didn’t think you’d understand…”
    I walked back around my desk, sat down, pulled open the drawer, found the pint of vodka, unscrewed the cap, had a hit.
    “How’d ya land?” I asked Jeannie.
    “Space tube.”
    “Space tube, huh? How many of you?”
    “6.”
    “I don’t know if I can help you, baby…”
    “You’ll help me, Belane.”
    “And if I don’t?”
    “You’re dead.”
    “Christ, first Lady Death. Now you. All you ladies do is threaten me with death. Well, maybe