but I was wrong.’
‘Of course I have grown up, but in all else I am unchanged. My love is as strong now as it ever was…’ Now her cheeks flamed, but this time she did not run away. Instead, she waited for him to speak. When he did not, he saw her hand tremble. ‘Do you wish me to release youfrom your promise?’ she whispered. ‘Is there another you love?’
Zander swore beneath his breath. ‘No! In the name of heaven, if there be one, I say it is not so. Do not look at me that way, lady. I would not desert you—but if we were wed you might be a widow before the month is out. And if by some good chance I live and Newark dies…’ He shook his head. ‘My lady, you do not know what I have done…what I have been since we last met. I tell you truly that I am not worthy of you. I could not help myself when I kissed you, for I have thought of it so many times through the years—but I should defile you.’
‘Why do you not tell me what haunts you so?’ she asked, holding herself proudly.
‘I am shamed by things…’ He shook his head. ‘If I told you, you would hate me. I cannot see hatred in your eyes, for it would kill me.’
‘What can you have done that is so terrible?’ she asked. Still she looked at him, but he saw the uncertainty and knew the doubts were close. ‘I pray you tell me, my lord.’
‘I have killed too many, seen too many slaughtered…some were soldiers, but others were innocents, Elaine.’ She flinched and her eyes darkened, but she did not turn away. ‘A child…I saw a child killed as it clung to its father’sknee and he begged for mercy. I should have done something…acted sooner. Too much innocent blood was spilled that day.’
Now he saw a flicker of fear and revulsion in her eyes. He wanted to stop, to leave it there, but was forced to continue by an unstoppable tide from within.
‘We were told the renegades lived in the village and we were ordered to clear them out, to spare no one—but we were not told they would be hiding amongst women and children…innocent women and children. Just as we were due to leave the camp, I was called to attend the King and I sent…a friend I trusted with the men who served me. I gave orders that they should take prisoners and bring them back to our camp for trial, but I had forgot how much my friends had suffered. We had seen too many of our number cut down and killed without mercy.
‘In their blood lust and zeal my men swept into the village on their destriers. They called for the renegades to come out and fight, but they hid and sent out women, children and old men…’ Zander shuddered, for the sight burned in his head and the screams echoed in his ears.
‘When my interview with the King was done, I rode to meet them, but the sight that met my eyes…men, women and children deador dying. My men were lost to reason and continued to kill and burn though I ordered them to stop and the village burned around us. God forgive me that I could not stop them…’ he cried. He had forgot that Elaine was there, did not see her as he relived the awful pain and smelled the stench of burning—and the tears trickled down his cheeks unheeded. ‘In the end I had to punish them for their senseless destruction…I had to order my friend hanged for disobeying my orders. He looked at me as they took him away and I saw the disbelief and hurt in his eyes…but I had to show them that I would not allow them to behave like savages…it was my duty.’
‘Oh, my love, my love…’ Zander sensed rather than knew that soft arms held him as his body was racked with shudders. ‘You did not know what would happen…it was a terrible mistake, but it was not your fault.’
For a moment he allowed himself the comfort of her arms, but then he pushed her away and turned his back. When he faced her again he had himself under control.
‘Now you know the beast that lives inside me, Elaine. You know what I have done. I am forever tainted, shamed by that day. It
‘Of course I have grown up, but in all else I am unchanged. My love is as strong now as it ever was…’ Now her cheeks flamed, but this time she did not run away. Instead, she waited for him to speak. When he did not, he saw her hand tremble. ‘Do you wish me to release youfrom your promise?’ she whispered. ‘Is there another you love?’
Zander swore beneath his breath. ‘No! In the name of heaven, if there be one, I say it is not so. Do not look at me that way, lady. I would not desert you—but if we were wed you might be a widow before the month is out. And if by some good chance I live and Newark dies…’ He shook his head. ‘My lady, you do not know what I have done…what I have been since we last met. I tell you truly that I am not worthy of you. I could not help myself when I kissed you, for I have thought of it so many times through the years—but I should defile you.’
‘Why do you not tell me what haunts you so?’ she asked, holding herself proudly.
‘I am shamed by things…’ He shook his head. ‘If I told you, you would hate me. I cannot see hatred in your eyes, for it would kill me.’
‘What can you have done that is so terrible?’ she asked. Still she looked at him, but he saw the uncertainty and knew the doubts were close. ‘I pray you tell me, my lord.’
‘I have killed too many, seen too many slaughtered…some were soldiers, but others were innocents, Elaine.’ She flinched and her eyes darkened, but she did not turn away. ‘A child…I saw a child killed as it clung to its father’sknee and he begged for mercy. I should have done something…acted sooner. Too much innocent blood was spilled that day.’
Now he saw a flicker of fear and revulsion in her eyes. He wanted to stop, to leave it there, but was forced to continue by an unstoppable tide from within.
‘We were told the renegades lived in the village and we were ordered to clear them out, to spare no one—but we were not told they would be hiding amongst women and children…innocent women and children. Just as we were due to leave the camp, I was called to attend the King and I sent…a friend I trusted with the men who served me. I gave orders that they should take prisoners and bring them back to our camp for trial, but I had forgot how much my friends had suffered. We had seen too many of our number cut down and killed without mercy.
‘In their blood lust and zeal my men swept into the village on their destriers. They called for the renegades to come out and fight, but they hid and sent out women, children and old men…’ Zander shuddered, for the sight burned in his head and the screams echoed in his ears.
‘When my interview with the King was done, I rode to meet them, but the sight that met my eyes…men, women and children deador dying. My men were lost to reason and continued to kill and burn though I ordered them to stop and the village burned around us. God forgive me that I could not stop them…’ he cried. He had forgot that Elaine was there, did not see her as he relived the awful pain and smelled the stench of burning—and the tears trickled down his cheeks unheeded. ‘In the end I had to punish them for their senseless destruction…I had to order my friend hanged for disobeying my orders. He looked at me as they took him away and I saw the disbelief and hurt in his eyes…but I had to show them that I would not allow them to behave like savages…it was my duty.’
‘Oh, my love, my love…’ Zander sensed rather than knew that soft arms held him as his body was racked with shudders. ‘You did not know what would happen…it was a terrible mistake, but it was not your fault.’
For a moment he allowed himself the comfort of her arms, but then he pushed her away and turned his back. When he faced her again he had himself under control.
‘Now you know the beast that lives inside me, Elaine. You know what I have done. I am forever tainted, shamed by that day. It
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