illness, you’re clearly a scam artist.”
“In certain circles I’m known as a Nordic Princess, and a key member of the IVBF.”
“What’s that, a shoe store in Kettledrum, Illinois?”
“I can’t say, never having visited the mythical kingdom of Kettledrum, where you might be town mayor,” Fanny says. “But the IVBF I’m referring to is the International Virgin Boat Festival.”
“We’re getting off topic again.”
“Here’s a topic. You shot me with a handgun.”
“Shot at you.”
“In Minnesota, they call that attempted murder. Check the State Criminal Code of 1963, Section Number 609.”
“We’re not in Minnesota. And anyway, I thought you broke into my office.”
“That’s not going to play well with the police. They might wonder what sort of employer forces dying women in hospital gowns to come in and paste envelopes while hooked to IVs. Not to mention discharging a deadly weapon in the workplace. Check California Penal Code Section 12031 for reference.”
“I’ll take my chances. And by the way, we’re in Tennessee, not Minnesota or California.”
“I only know the statutes from places I’ve been arrested. But I’m confident with the possible exception of Texas, it’s illegal to use your employees for target practice.”
“Like I say, I’m willing to take my chances.”
“Why, because I’ve got a blue tongue?”
“No, of course not! It’s because—Wait. You’ve got a blue tongue?”
She sticks it out.
“Oh, Jesus !” I shout, covering my eyes. It’s not only bright blue, but forked. I gag, and throw up in my mouth.
“You okay, Sugar?”
“You had your tongue split? Completely ? On purpose ?”
“Cleaved, Sugar. We call it cleaved.”
I briefly wonder who she means by “we,” but remember Donovan Creed, once said, “Don’t ask questions unless you’re prepared to hear the answer.”
I’m not prepared for Fanny’s answer. I don’t want to know who else has their tongues cleaved all the way to their throats. But I’m curious why she does.
“Why would you do that, Fanny?”
She winks. “Ask my boyfriends.”
“That will never happen.”
“You know who else has a blue tongue?”
“No, and please don’t tell me. I truly don’t—”
“Bears.”
“Excuse me?”
“My spiritual advisor says I’m directly descended from the union of a bear and a human.”
The more she speaks the crazier she seems. I just want her out of here.
Still, I have to ask, “Which gender was the human?”
“Does it matter?”
“Not really, I suppose. Since the whole notion’s preposterous.”
“You wouldn’t say that if you saw how much body hair I remove each week with my weed whacker.”
I say, “Fanny, I’m sure you’re a nice person and all, but you simply can’t work here anymore. Surely you understand my position. You’ve forged legal documents, stolen money, and committed insurance fraud.”
“You make it sound like a bad thing! Look, if something happened to poor Dillon, how would he be able to pay his medical bills? Surely you intended to provide him with hospitalization at some point.”
“Well, of course. At some point.”
“And you’d extend that coverage to your other employees, such as your devoted receptionist, right? I mean, you have to cover all your employees in order to qualify for group health insurance.”
“Well…”
“You know what I think? I think you intended to provide coverage for Dillon, but never got around to it.”
“Yes, but—”
“I just did what you intended to do. And now we’ve all got coverage.”
“I can appreciate what you tried to do. It’s not just the insurance, or the checks. It’s you , Fanny.”
“What about me?”
“I need a nice, quiet, prim and proper receptionist, who shows up every day and does only what I ask her to do. Someone who looks and dresses normally, who takes calls, schedules appointments, and—”
“Stop! You’re making my ears scream! What you need is
“In certain circles I’m known as a Nordic Princess, and a key member of the IVBF.”
“What’s that, a shoe store in Kettledrum, Illinois?”
“I can’t say, never having visited the mythical kingdom of Kettledrum, where you might be town mayor,” Fanny says. “But the IVBF I’m referring to is the International Virgin Boat Festival.”
“We’re getting off topic again.”
“Here’s a topic. You shot me with a handgun.”
“Shot at you.”
“In Minnesota, they call that attempted murder. Check the State Criminal Code of 1963, Section Number 609.”
“We’re not in Minnesota. And anyway, I thought you broke into my office.”
“That’s not going to play well with the police. They might wonder what sort of employer forces dying women in hospital gowns to come in and paste envelopes while hooked to IVs. Not to mention discharging a deadly weapon in the workplace. Check California Penal Code Section 12031 for reference.”
“I’ll take my chances. And by the way, we’re in Tennessee, not Minnesota or California.”
“I only know the statutes from places I’ve been arrested. But I’m confident with the possible exception of Texas, it’s illegal to use your employees for target practice.”
“Like I say, I’m willing to take my chances.”
“Why, because I’ve got a blue tongue?”
“No, of course not! It’s because—Wait. You’ve got a blue tongue?”
She sticks it out.
“Oh, Jesus !” I shout, covering my eyes. It’s not only bright blue, but forked. I gag, and throw up in my mouth.
“You okay, Sugar?”
“You had your tongue split? Completely ? On purpose ?”
“Cleaved, Sugar. We call it cleaved.”
I briefly wonder who she means by “we,” but remember Donovan Creed, once said, “Don’t ask questions unless you’re prepared to hear the answer.”
I’m not prepared for Fanny’s answer. I don’t want to know who else has their tongues cleaved all the way to their throats. But I’m curious why she does.
“Why would you do that, Fanny?”
She winks. “Ask my boyfriends.”
“That will never happen.”
“You know who else has a blue tongue?”
“No, and please don’t tell me. I truly don’t—”
“Bears.”
“Excuse me?”
“My spiritual advisor says I’m directly descended from the union of a bear and a human.”
The more she speaks the crazier she seems. I just want her out of here.
Still, I have to ask, “Which gender was the human?”
“Does it matter?”
“Not really, I suppose. Since the whole notion’s preposterous.”
“You wouldn’t say that if you saw how much body hair I remove each week with my weed whacker.”
I say, “Fanny, I’m sure you’re a nice person and all, but you simply can’t work here anymore. Surely you understand my position. You’ve forged legal documents, stolen money, and committed insurance fraud.”
“You make it sound like a bad thing! Look, if something happened to poor Dillon, how would he be able to pay his medical bills? Surely you intended to provide him with hospitalization at some point.”
“Well, of course. At some point.”
“And you’d extend that coverage to your other employees, such as your devoted receptionist, right? I mean, you have to cover all your employees in order to qualify for group health insurance.”
“Well…”
“You know what I think? I think you intended to provide coverage for Dillon, but never got around to it.”
“Yes, but—”
“I just did what you intended to do. And now we’ve all got coverage.”
“I can appreciate what you tried to do. It’s not just the insurance, or the checks. It’s you , Fanny.”
“What about me?”
“I need a nice, quiet, prim and proper receptionist, who shows up every day and does only what I ask her to do. Someone who looks and dresses normally, who takes calls, schedules appointments, and—”
“Stop! You’re making my ears scream! What you need is
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