Priestley Plays Four by J. B. Priestley Page A

hundred and fifty alarm clocks and five gramophones – only one of ’em worked.
    SAM: Let’s stick to the dragon. Would you say it’s a Shovel-tail, a Narrow-tail with a yellow cross, a Horny Short-tail, or a Broad Fishtail with scarlet markings?
    CAPT. P.: Haven’t a clue, old boy. And you can please yourself, but I don’t propose to go and examine his tails.
    SAM:
(Gloomily.)
Neither do I.
    While SAM still looks at the parchment, CAPT. P. takes a look at the dragon. The puffs are faster and larger now
.
    CAPT. P.:
(Returning to SAM, lowering voice.)
I think he’s getting steam up.
    SAM:
(In despair.)
Oh – lord!
    CAPT. P.:
(Shaking hands.)
Well, all the best, old boy. Like to give you a hand but of course it’s against the rules. But I won’t be far.
(As he goes.)
Good luck, old boy.
    He goes up and out R.. SAM now takes up his enormous sword, and tries a two-handed swing or two, not very successfully. A lot of smoke from the dragon now, great snorting and puffing noises, like an angry train. SAM comes down to take a look at it, and listens in dismay. He returns to his former position. CAPT.P. cautiously peeps in up R.
.
    CAPT. P.:
(In loud whisper.)
Anything happened?
    SAM:
(Same tone.)
Not yet. But he sounds as big as a railway train.
    CAPT. P.: Have to challenge him, y’know, old boy. One of the rules.
    SAM: I wish you’d shut up about the rules.
    CAPT. P.: Take it easy, Sam old boy. Leave you to it now, eh?
    He withdraws. SAM pulls himself together, comes down and round and faces the dragon
.
    SAM:
(Muttering.)
This is going to sound dam’ silly.
(Loud but uneasily.)
Look here – I’m challenging you to – er – combat. We needn’t make it mortal – what d’you think?
    The dragon should now open one eye
.
    Well – what d’you think?
    DIMMOCK:
(Inside dragon’s head, no smoke now.)
No, Sam. Stop it.
    SAM:
(Astonished.)
Stop it?
    DIMMOCK: Yes, it’s only me.
    SAM: How do you mean it’s only you?
    DIMMOCK: It’s
me – Dimmock
.
    SAM: Dimmock? What are you doing inside a dragon?
    DIMMOCK:
(Crossly.)
I’m not
inside
the dragon. I
am
the dragon. And it’s like having an acid stomach ten feet long.
(Coughs.)
So hot and smoky too.
    SAM: How did it happen?
    DIMMOCK: That enchanter, Malgrim, did it. After he turned the Skipper into the Red Knight, he turned me into a dragon –
    SAM: But I’m supposed to knock you off in order to marry Melicent -
    DIMMOCK:
(Hastily.)
Now don’t be foolish and hasty, Sam. You and I have always been good friends. None of the firm’s artists have been better treated than you. And if you feel you ought to have a rise, I’ll gladly take it up with the board –
    SAM: You can’t take anything up with the board, looking like that, can you? In the meantime, what am I going to do? I promised to challenge the dragon –
    DIMMOCK: Yes, but not
me
. Go and find a proper dragon.
    SAM: No, you’re the dragon I’m supposed to overcome – nothing said about any other dragon –
    DIMMOCK: Yes, Sam – but if you have me disenchanted – or whatever they call it – and I’m me again and there’s no dragon, then that’s the same thing. So you go and find that enchanter. Or the other one – the old one. I’ll tell you what, Sam. I’m prepared to offer one of them a seat on the board. I’ll put it in writing.
(Calls.)
Peggy! Peggy!
    PEGGY enters R. with notebook and file of letters. SAM stares at them both in amazement
.
    PEGGY:
(Showing no surprise.)
Yes, Mr Dimmock?
    DIMMOCK: Take a letter to Mr. Paly.
Dear Fred – I’m writing this from a place called Peradore, where I ran into a little trouble – (He breaks off.)
Just a minute Peggy.
    CAPT. P. now enters R. and comes down and across
.
    Don’t just stand there staring at us, Sam. Go and find those enchanters. It’s just as important for you as it is for me. Skipper – you go with him.
    CAPT. P.: Dimmock, is it? Tell me, old boy, do you
feel
like a dragon?
    DIMMOCK: I did – very nasty too – but it’s worn off.