in case he told his friends I was useless.
Then a feeling started that I’d never had before. As he kept doing it we slid off the log, down on to the crisp leaves. He put his arm round my shoulders and our heads banged together. The feeling grew and grew and then when I thought it couldn’t get any better it did. And then it was over, but nothing happened to show Peter that it was over.
Immediately I felt sicker and dirtier than I’d ever felt in my life.
“Now you’ve got to do it to me,” he said.
KNOTT
I stood by the garage door and grasped the handle. A cloud passed from the face of the moon and suddenly my shadow appeared on the garage door and the night was almost as clear as day. Then I knew I wasn’t going to be able to turn the handle.
I swung round and lurched away from the garage, down the gravel drive towards the gate, moaning and crying as I went. The faint wind rushed into my ears and flung my noise and my tears out behind me. When I reached the gate I grasped the handles and sank to my knees and pressed my wet face against the woodwork.
Later, when I’d finished, I began to feel a new fear.
The thing that brought it on was my realisation that the wind had dropped completely. There was dead silence. Nothing was moving. All the clouds had gone from the sky and the moon black shadows of the trees were rigid and still. I turned my head and looked towards the house; the night was bright enough to reflect the trees in the windows.
The fear that came on me now was the fear of Eileen. Rather, fear of my mind, what it might conjure up in its present state. Whether reality or hallucination, it didn’t matter which; even a mind’s-eye apparition would be enough to make any temporary madness become my final mental condition.
Slowly I forced myself up from the gravel. I turned round to face the house and opened my eyes as wide as possible so no flickering eyelash could cause confusion. I began to walk towards the house, keeping to the centre of the drive, keeping my eyes off the garage, avoiding any glance to right or left. When I got to the hallway’s glass facing, my reflected shape caused me to stop and stare at myself as if I were some shambling doppelganger.
I went into the house and the shadow disappeared.
PLENDER
I bumped the Cortina to the right and drove towards the limestone chute and the old engine houses. The narrow-gauge lines were still as they used to be, lazily curving away into the quarry basin, and there were still some panniers, long since prised off their wheelbases and overturned, lying face down on the quarry floor.
I stopped the car and got out and walked round to the boot, lifted out the body and took it over to one of the panniers that lay behind the engine house, where the shade fell all day long.
The pannier stood at the bottom of the limestone chute on the artificial scree made by years of tipping. I bent down and dug away a few stones at the base of the upturned pannier and put my hands under the lip and began to lift. It was even heavier than I’d thought it would be, but that was fine, the heavier the better. I gave a final heave and the pannier tottered over on to its side. Then I went to work on the surface of the stones that had been underneath the pannier until I’d pulled enough away to form a shallow trench. When I’d done that I picked up the body and laid it down in the trench and put the stones back until the body was covered. Then I walked round the pannier and lifted again until I’d pushed and levered it up on to its lip. I gave a final heave and the pannier toppled over back to its original position, sealing off the trench and the body. There was a slight whump as the air rushed out from under the pannier as it hit the stones.
KNOTT
Sunlight wafted on to my face. I opened my eyes. I turned my head and wondered where my wife was. I looked at my watch. It was quarter past seven. Then I remembered.
Amazingly I’d slept.
I closed my eyes again and
Then a feeling started that I’d never had before. As he kept doing it we slid off the log, down on to the crisp leaves. He put his arm round my shoulders and our heads banged together. The feeling grew and grew and then when I thought it couldn’t get any better it did. And then it was over, but nothing happened to show Peter that it was over.
Immediately I felt sicker and dirtier than I’d ever felt in my life.
“Now you’ve got to do it to me,” he said.
KNOTT
I stood by the garage door and grasped the handle. A cloud passed from the face of the moon and suddenly my shadow appeared on the garage door and the night was almost as clear as day. Then I knew I wasn’t going to be able to turn the handle.
I swung round and lurched away from the garage, down the gravel drive towards the gate, moaning and crying as I went. The faint wind rushed into my ears and flung my noise and my tears out behind me. When I reached the gate I grasped the handles and sank to my knees and pressed my wet face against the woodwork.
Later, when I’d finished, I began to feel a new fear.
The thing that brought it on was my realisation that the wind had dropped completely. There was dead silence. Nothing was moving. All the clouds had gone from the sky and the moon black shadows of the trees were rigid and still. I turned my head and looked towards the house; the night was bright enough to reflect the trees in the windows.
The fear that came on me now was the fear of Eileen. Rather, fear of my mind, what it might conjure up in its present state. Whether reality or hallucination, it didn’t matter which; even a mind’s-eye apparition would be enough to make any temporary madness become my final mental condition.
Slowly I forced myself up from the gravel. I turned round to face the house and opened my eyes as wide as possible so no flickering eyelash could cause confusion. I began to walk towards the house, keeping to the centre of the drive, keeping my eyes off the garage, avoiding any glance to right or left. When I got to the hallway’s glass facing, my reflected shape caused me to stop and stare at myself as if I were some shambling doppelganger.
I went into the house and the shadow disappeared.
PLENDER
I bumped the Cortina to the right and drove towards the limestone chute and the old engine houses. The narrow-gauge lines were still as they used to be, lazily curving away into the quarry basin, and there were still some panniers, long since prised off their wheelbases and overturned, lying face down on the quarry floor.
I stopped the car and got out and walked round to the boot, lifted out the body and took it over to one of the panniers that lay behind the engine house, where the shade fell all day long.
The pannier stood at the bottom of the limestone chute on the artificial scree made by years of tipping. I bent down and dug away a few stones at the base of the upturned pannier and put my hands under the lip and began to lift. It was even heavier than I’d thought it would be, but that was fine, the heavier the better. I gave a final heave and the pannier tottered over on to its side. Then I went to work on the surface of the stones that had been underneath the pannier until I’d pulled enough away to form a shallow trench. When I’d done that I picked up the body and laid it down in the trench and put the stones back until the body was covered. Then I walked round the pannier and lifted again until I’d pushed and levered it up on to its lip. I gave a final heave and the pannier toppled over back to its original position, sealing off the trench and the body. There was a slight whump as the air rushed out from under the pannier as it hit the stones.
KNOTT
Sunlight wafted on to my face. I opened my eyes. I turned my head and wondered where my wife was. I looked at my watch. It was quarter past seven. Then I remembered.
Amazingly I’d slept.
I closed my eyes again and
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