Pirate Dave and his Randy Adventures (Career Ending Romance Spoof) by Robyn Peterman Page B

little feet up on the coffee table. “You guys got anything sweet?”
    “Yes, doughnuts. And get your damn feet off the table. Do you live in a barn?” I grabbed a box of powdered sugar minis and tossed them to her.
    “Rena!” Kristy screeched at decibels that could result in hearing loss. Her mortification made her eye twitch. Not a good look. “I’m so sorry, Professor Sue, for Rena’s horrific, disgusting, appalling behavior. Please, put your feet anywhere you like.” She shot me a look of death.
    Shoshanna/Sue LeHump chuckled and dug into the doughnuts. “Oh Kristy, Rena’s right. I tend to fall on the side of uncouth. I could use a good handler to keep me in line.”
    I made a face at Kristy and I literally felt her need to slap me. She wouldn’t dare, not in front of the legendary Professor Sue Whatever-her-last-name-was.
    I decided to make nice with my roomie. Last time I pissed her off, she froze all my bras. Very high school, but very effective. “Kristy started a nonprofit literacy program at the battered women’s shelter,” I explained to LeHump proudly. “It has a daycare, and she’s helped hundreds of women get their GED and find jobs.”
    “Goddamn it!” Shoshanna shouted, diving for Kristy and bear-hugging her for the second time in less than twenty minutes. “I am so fucking proud to call you my student! You are helping women help themselves. You are my hero!”
    After a bunch of crying, pride on Shoshanna’s part, joy on Kristy’s, and, if I’m being totally honest, a little jealousy on mine, we all settled down and finished off the buffet of doughnuts, crackers, and cheese. Shoshanna finally decided to hit the road, but not before we filled Kristy in on our project with Evangeline.
    She screamed in horror upon hearing my plot and laughed so hard she had to run to the bathroom to pee. Maybe I really should consider a career in stand-up comedy. I could pack a house with urine and all kinds of other liquids expelled through the nose. As I daydreamed about being a famous comedienne and hanging out with Stephen Colbert, I idly wondered if Shoshanna would carry the baseball bat into her sister’s house to get her money back. I didn’t for a moment believe she’d use it, but she did have a bizarre flair for inappropriate drama.
    “Rena, don’t bother bringing your lunch on Monday. When I was on the crapper, Nancy called. She’s going to stop by and bring us something to eat. She wants to make sure that we’re alive.”
    That didn’t sound good. The alive part and the Nancy lunch part. “Will it have cream of mushroom soup in it?”
    “Definitely.” Shoshanna grinned evilly as she walked to the door. “Just bring a couple of snacks!” She winked and left.
    We sat in silence for two minutes and forty-seven seconds. Kristy in heaven and me in shock.
    “I can’t believe Professor Sue was in our house, and she’s proud of me.”
    “I can’t believe she’s a professor.” I shook my head in disbelief and went scrounging for some chocolate. Nothing. I could find no chocolate. Damn.
    I didn’t need it after the carb fest I’d just indulged in, but I wanted it. My voracious appetite was demanding it. “Don’t we have any candy around here?”
    “You ate it all last night.”
    Dang it, she was right. If it wasn’t so cold outside I’d walk to the corner and buy six candy bars. Occasionally the subzero temps were a blessing in disguise for my ass. I decided to go to bed before I ate something unforgivable. Plus, I couldn’t handle any more weird.
    “Are you going to go for Casssssanova?” Kristy grinned.
    “No, but I may bring him a cassssserole,” I giggled.
    “I was thinking you might want to do some matrasssss wrasssssling with him and his fine tushy.”
    “That sounds a little too sasssssy for me,” I laughed and punched her in the arm before we got so assed out, we couldn’t stop.
    “Why don’t you ask him out?” she said, pulling her legs up underneath her on