Pirate Dave and his Randy Adventures (Career Ending Romance Spoof) by Robyn Peterman Page A

Wait a minute. Was LeHump the famous “Professor Sue” I’d heard about ad nauseam from Kristy’s college days? No freakin’ way.
    “Shoshan . . . Sue, you know my roommate?” Damn, I’d almost blown her cover. I was very curious as to her real last name, but asking didn’t seem appropriate at the moment.
    “Know her? Know her?” Shoshanna yelled. Dang, she was loud. “Not only do I know her, she was one of the best students I ever had!”
    Kristy looked positively orgasmic and I was flabbergasted. Had I moved into an alternate universe? The sum so did not equal the parts. I thought today couldn’t get any weirder.
    I thought wrong.
    “Rena,” my starstruck roommate gushed, “this is the Professor Sue. One of the most respected and sought-after professors of women’s studies in the country. Her work has been published worldwide.”
    I glanced at Shoshanna/Sue. The irony was almost too much to bear. She winked and put her finger to her lips. I got it . . .
    Clearly Kristy was not referring to the butt-plug trilogy or the contortionist sex-slave series LeHump had regaled me with when she wasn’t trying to run us off the road during our thirty-minute ride from hell.
    “I didn’t realize you had a day job.” I grinned at LeHump, shaking my head and removing my snow boots. She smirked and gave me a thumbs-up. She was crazy.
    “Where’s the john? I’m about to pee in my pants!”
    “Down the hall and to the left,” I interjected quickly. LeHump had no manners or social graces and while I liked her, I wouldn’t put it past her to relieve herself on my kitchen floor. I am so not cleaning that up. I yanked her coat off and shoved her down the hall.
    Kristy ran around the kitchen like a chicken with its head cut off, pulling open cabinets and sniffing things she pulled from the fridge.
    “Hey, we have a new neighbor with a rockin’ hot ass.”
    “I have no time to discuss body parts. Help me,” she hissed frantically, slapping cheese and crackers on our best platter. “Damn it,” she muttered, staring at the green mold on the corner of the hunk of cheddar. I grabbed a knife and cut it off.
    “Voilà!” I curtsied and tossed the offending cheese in the trash. “My Aunt Phyllis taught me that.”
    “Isn’t she the one with people in her radio?”
    “TV, not radio.”
    Kristy rolled her eyes, “That certainly makes all the difference.”
    She stopped moving and I watched her brain go into rewind. “What do you mean, you saw the neighbor’s ass?”
    “We have a new neighbor named Mr. Asstastic.” Fully clarifying I hadn’t humped the new neighbor.
    “Did you introduce yourself to his ass?” she asked, rearranging the hors d’oeuvres on the platter.
    “Hell no. I never even saw his face.”
    “His face is good. I met him earlier, but I didn’t get to see his ass. When you see his face, you’ll jump him. Hell, when he sees you, he’ll probably jump you first.” I rolled my eyes and she fussed some more with the tray. “Is this classy enough?”
    “Trust me, Sho . . . Sue will love it. I’ve been in her car.” I went for some crackers, only to get my hand slapped down by Kristy. “So, she’s really a professor?” The paradox was mind-boggling.
    “Not just a professor, she’s one of the foremost authorities on women’s studies in the United States. There are waiting lists to get into her classes at the U. Oh my God.” She froze. “Is Professor Sue in your writing group?”
    Hmm, how to answer that without giving up LeHump’s passion for all things anal? Thankfully I didn’t have to.
    “You bet I am!” Shoshanna loudly informed us as she marched directly to the cheese, cut herself a few slices, and shoved them in her mouth. “I love cheese.” She grabbed a handful of crackers and made herself comfortable on the couch. I guess she was staying.
    “So Kristy, I hope to the great God Almighty you are using your amazing brain to make the world a better place.” LeHump put her