and as soon as the cold floorboards met my feet I rushed back into the hallway. I curled up on the floor next to the wall, bringing my hands up to cover my ears in an effort to block out the storm. Staring down, I started counting yellow floor tiles, but they seemed blurred somehow and I couldn’t decipher where one ended and other followed. I saw something move out of the corner of my eye, but still held my gaze glued to the fifth tile. Or maybe it was the fourth... I wasn’t sure.
Holding a thick blanket, Alex sat next to me on the floor. Muttering something under his breath, he took me in his arms again, wrapped the blanket around my shoulders and hugged me protectively. My teeth were still chattering, but I didn’t know whether it was from cold or fear.
“It's OK, baby. We’ll stay here as long as you want, just please stop shaking.” he whispered softly in my ear.
The low tone of his voice set me strangely at ease. Little by little, a sense of calm descended. With one arm around my waist, he gently ran his fingers through my hair and for the first time in a very long time I felt safe, curled up in the arms of my nemesis.
Opening my eyes by degrees, the first things to come into focus were the muscles on the strong arm draped around my shoulders. The image under my nose at that moment showed a mythical beast, a sort of snarling dragon with flared nostrils snorting fire, and a slithering body coated in various shades of black scales. Its grotesque trunk narrowed into a tail, which circled the bicep twice before disappearing somewhere near the elbow. Processing the image and why it was under my nose wasn’t the best way to come out of my slumber.
W e were still in the hallway, and from the light creeping through from the doorway to the living room it seemed that dawn had long since broken. Shocked to realize I’d spent the night huddled against Alex, my breaths became shallow as I wondered how I might get away without waking him.
“ You seem comfortable there...” his hoarse voice came from beside me.
I slowly lifted my head up from his chest, pulled back a bit and looked at his face. His eyes were red around the edges and dark underneath and it was obvious that, un like me, he hadn’t slept a wink.
“I'm sorry...” I started, but he stopped me with a finger against my lips.
“You scared the shit out of me last night.” he took his finger away, picked the blanket up off the floor and wrapped it around my shoulders. “How do you feel?”
“Better .” I whispered, glad of the warm sensation on my skin where his hands had been.
Lightheaded, I continued t o look at the lines of his face and the shadow of his one-day beard, aware of the knots forming in my stomach.
“I'm going t o take a shower and get dressed.” I said quietly, got up out of his lap and hurried to the bathroom, leaving Alex sitting on the floor in the hall.
Clicking the door shut behind me, I pulled off my PJs frantically and got into the shower. The water felt magical as it washed over me, and I sensed my soul returning to my body, recovering from the trauma of the night before but also from the effect Alex was having on me. I could still sense his smell lingering on my body, so it felt like a relief to let everything just wash away.
Taking a cup of hot streaming coffee, I sat by the kitchen window and leaning my head against the glass, watched a fine drizzle falling from the gray sky outside. These panic attacks always left me drained, as though someone had wrung the life right out of me.
I can’t go on like this any more.
Knowledge of the fact that my problem was serious didn’t spur me to visit a doctor, or a shrink, probably because of the questions I’d have to answer. There’d be no choice but to lie, and that would surely make the whole effort pointless. The first thing they’d surely ask would be ‘when did the attacks begin?’ and I could never answer that honestly. Sometimes I imagined the face of a
Holding a thick blanket, Alex sat next to me on the floor. Muttering something under his breath, he took me in his arms again, wrapped the blanket around my shoulders and hugged me protectively. My teeth were still chattering, but I didn’t know whether it was from cold or fear.
“It's OK, baby. We’ll stay here as long as you want, just please stop shaking.” he whispered softly in my ear.
The low tone of his voice set me strangely at ease. Little by little, a sense of calm descended. With one arm around my waist, he gently ran his fingers through my hair and for the first time in a very long time I felt safe, curled up in the arms of my nemesis.
Opening my eyes by degrees, the first things to come into focus were the muscles on the strong arm draped around my shoulders. The image under my nose at that moment showed a mythical beast, a sort of snarling dragon with flared nostrils snorting fire, and a slithering body coated in various shades of black scales. Its grotesque trunk narrowed into a tail, which circled the bicep twice before disappearing somewhere near the elbow. Processing the image and why it was under my nose wasn’t the best way to come out of my slumber.
W e were still in the hallway, and from the light creeping through from the doorway to the living room it seemed that dawn had long since broken. Shocked to realize I’d spent the night huddled against Alex, my breaths became shallow as I wondered how I might get away without waking him.
“ You seem comfortable there...” his hoarse voice came from beside me.
I slowly lifted my head up from his chest, pulled back a bit and looked at his face. His eyes were red around the edges and dark underneath and it was obvious that, un like me, he hadn’t slept a wink.
“I'm sorry...” I started, but he stopped me with a finger against my lips.
“You scared the shit out of me last night.” he took his finger away, picked the blanket up off the floor and wrapped it around my shoulders. “How do you feel?”
“Better .” I whispered, glad of the warm sensation on my skin where his hands had been.
Lightheaded, I continued t o look at the lines of his face and the shadow of his one-day beard, aware of the knots forming in my stomach.
“I'm going t o take a shower and get dressed.” I said quietly, got up out of his lap and hurried to the bathroom, leaving Alex sitting on the floor in the hall.
Clicking the door shut behind me, I pulled off my PJs frantically and got into the shower. The water felt magical as it washed over me, and I sensed my soul returning to my body, recovering from the trauma of the night before but also from the effect Alex was having on me. I could still sense his smell lingering on my body, so it felt like a relief to let everything just wash away.
Taking a cup of hot streaming coffee, I sat by the kitchen window and leaning my head against the glass, watched a fine drizzle falling from the gray sky outside. These panic attacks always left me drained, as though someone had wrung the life right out of me.
I can’t go on like this any more.
Knowledge of the fact that my problem was serious didn’t spur me to visit a doctor, or a shrink, probably because of the questions I’d have to answer. There’d be no choice but to lie, and that would surely make the whole effort pointless. The first thing they’d surely ask would be ‘when did the attacks begin?’ and I could never answer that honestly. Sometimes I imagined the face of a
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