getting the shit kicked out of him. Agnes hid out behind the playstructure where the teachers couldn’t see her and whenever an unsuspecting student would drift into her area, Agnes would tackle the child and pummel them.
We contacted the teacher and told her about what the Hubs had witnessed. We asked her to keep an eye on the kids and let us know what she saw. Her reply to my initial email was, “I’m so surprised to hear that Gomer and Agnes aren’t getting along! Agnes just adores Gomer and spends as much time as she can with him. Sure, she’s a bit handsy with her friends, but she’s got a lot of energy bottled up in that little body and it’s hard at this age to keep your excitement contained. I’ll speak with both of them and make sure they understand how we treat our friends. By the way, have you met Agnes’s mother? She’s a lovely woman and does so much for our school! She’s coming in today to redo my bulletin board—she’d heard it had been vandalized and she offered to fix it. I’ll just mention this email to her and I’m sure we can get the situation with Gomer and Agnes sorted out right away.”
Within a week I received a gift. I came home from running errands and I found a large package on my front porch. It was a cool, upcycled metal bucket that you can only get at some trendy store I would never set foot in, filled with whimsical gifts for the family: giant marbles and fake mustaches for the kids, a Riding Mower–scented Yankee Candle for the Hubs, and tons of booze and cocktail napkins covered in pictures of perky 1950s housewives with snarky thought bubbles over their heads for me: I just made a batch of shut the fucupcakes!
There was a note attached:
Dear Jen,
I don’t think we’ve actually met yet—we have several mutual friends, and I think I was introduced to you at theJoneses’ back-to-school blowout a few weeks ago. I’ve heard so much about Gomer that I feel like I know you already! Agnes just adores Gomer and they have the best time together. You might have heard through the grapevine that whenever I see something that reminds me of Agnes’s friends I can’t help but buy it for them! It’s such a bad habit, but I can’t stop myself!
I thought Adolpha would like the marbles and Gomer would look fabulous in a mustache. I don’t know your husband’s tastes, but if he’s anything like mine, he’ll love this manly scented candle. I’ve been following your blog for some time and it’s so neat to have a “celebrity” (can I call you a celebrity, or does that embarrass you?) so close by. I saw these napkins and I just thought, “Those are perfect for Jen!”
I hope you like your gifts and I can’t wait to get a chance to spend some time with you. I’m working on fast-tracking your membership into the book club. I know it can take forever to get off the wait list, but I’ll see if I can’t get the girls to make an exception for you!
Maybe Gomer can come for a playdate soon? I know Agnes would love that!
Best, Agnes’s mom
Oh wow , I thought. She really is thoughtful! Those napkins are perfect for me and she called me a “celebrity.” No one’s ever called me a celebrity before. Maybe Agnes isn’t that bad. Her mom has terrific taste, after all. She bought adorable gifts and she thinks I’m a celebrity! Plus she’s working on my book club membership. I’ve been on that damn list for a year!
Later that day, Gomer came home with a torn shirt and abruised arm. “Look what Agnes did!” he cried as soon as he walked in the door.
Fuck , I thought as I laid down the February book club selection (I figured I’d start reading it just in case I made it through the background check before the meeting next week). I looked at Gomer’s tearstained face and caught a whiff of the Riding Mower candle that was burning on the counter. It smelled heavenly. He’s had that shirt for a couple of years , I thought, so it probably didn’t take that much force to rip it . The
We contacted the teacher and told her about what the Hubs had witnessed. We asked her to keep an eye on the kids and let us know what she saw. Her reply to my initial email was, “I’m so surprised to hear that Gomer and Agnes aren’t getting along! Agnes just adores Gomer and spends as much time as she can with him. Sure, she’s a bit handsy with her friends, but she’s got a lot of energy bottled up in that little body and it’s hard at this age to keep your excitement contained. I’ll speak with both of them and make sure they understand how we treat our friends. By the way, have you met Agnes’s mother? She’s a lovely woman and does so much for our school! She’s coming in today to redo my bulletin board—she’d heard it had been vandalized and she offered to fix it. I’ll just mention this email to her and I’m sure we can get the situation with Gomer and Agnes sorted out right away.”
Within a week I received a gift. I came home from running errands and I found a large package on my front porch. It was a cool, upcycled metal bucket that you can only get at some trendy store I would never set foot in, filled with whimsical gifts for the family: giant marbles and fake mustaches for the kids, a Riding Mower–scented Yankee Candle for the Hubs, and tons of booze and cocktail napkins covered in pictures of perky 1950s housewives with snarky thought bubbles over their heads for me: I just made a batch of shut the fucupcakes!
There was a note attached:
Dear Jen,
I don’t think we’ve actually met yet—we have several mutual friends, and I think I was introduced to you at theJoneses’ back-to-school blowout a few weeks ago. I’ve heard so much about Gomer that I feel like I know you already! Agnes just adores Gomer and they have the best time together. You might have heard through the grapevine that whenever I see something that reminds me of Agnes’s friends I can’t help but buy it for them! It’s such a bad habit, but I can’t stop myself!
I thought Adolpha would like the marbles and Gomer would look fabulous in a mustache. I don’t know your husband’s tastes, but if he’s anything like mine, he’ll love this manly scented candle. I’ve been following your blog for some time and it’s so neat to have a “celebrity” (can I call you a celebrity, or does that embarrass you?) so close by. I saw these napkins and I just thought, “Those are perfect for Jen!”
I hope you like your gifts and I can’t wait to get a chance to spend some time with you. I’m working on fast-tracking your membership into the book club. I know it can take forever to get off the wait list, but I’ll see if I can’t get the girls to make an exception for you!
Maybe Gomer can come for a playdate soon? I know Agnes would love that!
Best, Agnes’s mom
Oh wow , I thought. She really is thoughtful! Those napkins are perfect for me and she called me a “celebrity.” No one’s ever called me a celebrity before. Maybe Agnes isn’t that bad. Her mom has terrific taste, after all. She bought adorable gifts and she thinks I’m a celebrity! Plus she’s working on my book club membership. I’ve been on that damn list for a year!
Later that day, Gomer came home with a torn shirt and abruised arm. “Look what Agnes did!” he cried as soon as he walked in the door.
Fuck , I thought as I laid down the February book club selection (I figured I’d start reading it just in case I made it through the background check before the meeting next week). I looked at Gomer’s tearstained face and caught a whiff of the Riding Mower candle that was burning on the counter. It smelled heavenly. He’s had that shirt for a couple of years , I thought, so it probably didn’t take that much force to rip it . The
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