Pearls and Poison (A Consignment Shop Mystery) by Duffy Brown

added blush to her nose and drew circles under her eyes. Let me tell you, my hindquarters and your boobs aren’t the only fake things around here tonight, sweet pea.”
    “Maybe Honey’s just not a crier but wants to look like she cares?”
    “Or maybe she’s happy as a pig in mud Seymour’s gone, but she doesn’t want to let on?”
    “Speaking of a pig, there’s something pink tucked under Scummy’s left shoulder.”
    KiKi parted the fronds to get a better look. “Well, I’ll be; there is something there. It’s kind of sparkly best I can tell. Not men’s jewelry for sure. Bet I can reach in and get it if I just—”
    “No!” I growled deep in my throat, adding a good deal of stern to my voice. “If we cause a scene, Mamma will kill us and . . . Oh good grief, here comes trouble.”
    I nodded to Lolly Ledbetter next in line at the condolence meet and greet. She had on the red dress all right, along with red shoes, red hat, and even her eyes were bloodshot.
    “Well, finally.” KiKi rubbed her hands together, a smile tripping across her face. “Be a pity to have a wake this size without a little excitement at the casket, and I do believe Lolly’s drunk as a skunk.”
    Lolly parked her hands on her hips, tossed her hair, and said to Honey, “Well now, the old boy sure looks a lot better in there than he ever did out here where he caused nothing but trouble for the rest of us.”
    Everyone gasped, then the room went dead quiet, not as much out of respect for the dearly departed as not wanting to miss a single word of what was going on. Honey’s mouth pinched tight, two black suits hurried over to Lolly’s side, and out of the corner of my eye I saw KiKi lean in toward the casket. She grabbed for the pin as her faux butt slid down around her ankles. Eyes bulging, KiKi wobbled, losing her balance. I grabbed for her; she grabbed for a fern, missed, and knocked it plant side down, dirt side up onto Scumbucket’s head.
    Everyone stared at the casket. My heart stopped dead in my chest. If Mamma got wind of this . . .
    I kicked KiKi’s fake rump under the casket display as she stepped out of it and slowly pulled her backward. “Count to three and run,” I whispered. Tucking our heads down, we turned slowly then beelined for the hallway, voices picking up in the main room, the thick-padded carpet muffling our getaway.
    We dashed out the side door, and KiKi yanked me behind a hedge of magnolia trees. We froze perfectly still in case someone followed in hot pursuit of the funeral crashers, but the only sound was from the traffic on Price and enough mayhem inside to rattle the windows. “What happened to completely safe?” KiKi finally said to me.
    “Hey, you’re the one who went and lost their butt.” Did I really just say that? I closed my eyes to get a grip on the situation then turned KiKi around to look at me. “Head for the car,” I told her. “If you’re not home watching
Dancing with the Stars
when Uncle Putter walks in, he’ll know in an instant who caused this commotion.”
    “You think he’ll hear about this?”
    “The Abbott sisters are inside.” I nodded toward the funeral home. “In five minutes flat all of Savannah will know about Scummy wearing a fern on his head, complete with pictures. I’m going to hang around and see if I can find out anything on Marigold and Butler and what that’s all about. They’re tied to Scummy some way.”
    “I don’t know Butler all that well, but I can’t see Marigold killing Seymour. Why that girl’s sweet as pie.”
    “You weren’t at the Fox today.” I pealed off KiKi’s hat and wig, and fluffed up her hair and smoothed out her makeup. “Better.” I smiled. KiKi’s eyes twinkled. Batman and Robin do Savannah. “Keep in the bushes and go around the back to the sidewalk on the other side.”
    “I’ll get us some ribs.”
    “If you smell like BBQ, the jig’s up with Uncle Putter. He’ll inform Mamma, and I sort of told her I’d let