eventually.
“Okay, maybe I don’t have commitment issues just…issues.”
Here it comes. I rolled over and propped myself up on my elbows. “All right, who was she?”
Harrison’s lips pulled up in a knowing grin. “Hmm. Her name was Meredith. I guess the quick version would be to say I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with her and it’s a damn good thing I didn’t.”
I sat up a little straighter at his confession, questions racing through my mind as I waited for him to elaborate. Spend the rest of his life with? Were they engaged? What happened? How long ago was he with her? My stomach pitched as I registered the jealousy that had slipped into my veins.
He scrubbed one hand over his face, dragging it slowly down his beard as he drew in a breath. He forced a smile. I knew this was uncomfortable territory for him but he wasn’t shutting the conversation down.
He started again, clearing his throat. “Typical story. College sweethearts. We weren’t right for each other, but it’s easy to get swept up in what other people expect of you. The end came when I realized she acted more like my supervisor than my girlfriend, so…”
A moment passed and I soaked in his words. But he’d said he thought he’d spend his life with her…I read between the lines and let another risky phrase fall from my lips. “You mean fiancée?”
Harrison’s eyes met mine meaningfully. Firmly, as though he wanted me to hear him—listen to him—when he replied. “No. I never asked her. She was never more than my girlfriend.”
The questions didn’t slow down in my head, only fueled the irrational jealousy that bubbled under the surface of my skin. I pulled my gaze away from him and started to reposition myself on my stomach again, opening my Cosmopolitan .
“Hey now,” Harrison piped up. “Your turn.”
I swallowed hard and crawled to the other side of my towel to sit beside him, completely covered in shade. “Why don’t I have a boyfriend?”
Clarifying the question wasn’t necessary, but I wanted to put off giving my answer as long as I could. Harrison nodded and lifted his brows, urging me to divulge the info he was now owed.
“Probably two reasons...at least.” An uncomfortable laugh cracked out of me. “When the only example of marriage you have is horrendous from the start then ends bitterly right in front of you during your formative years, you tend to take caution when it comes to relationships.”
“Your parents?”
I nodded. “I don’t remember them ever liking each other. And at a certain point they started actively hating each other. They got a divorce when I was sixteen.” My lips pressed together in a thin line and I took a long drag from my quickly dwindling beer. “Lots of people’s parents are divorced. I don’t think I’m special or anything, but my inner psychoanalyst can assume that’s why I’ve never…”
“Wait. You’ve never had a boyfriend?” he asked hesitantly.
I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t. The shocked look on his face made me feel no more than two inches tall. Every time I even thought about my history with relationships, I was embarrassed. I was the oddball girl who didn’t look at every guy as a future husband or really anything more than a night’s fun—an addition to the monthly roster if I was lucky. But something about the way Harrison looked at me in that moment, and the fact that his own admission of his romantic past had poured jealousy into my body…I was saddened. Had I wasted opportunities in love? Had I missed something great by keeping my walls solid all these years, never letting a man get further than my bed? If I’d had at least one example of a functioning adult relationship with a man, would I feel less afraid of the foolish desires that kept swarming me the more time I spent with Harrison?
“What’s the other reason?”
I looked over at him, the clouds in my mind darkening the more I damned myself for the choices I’d made.
“Okay, maybe I don’t have commitment issues just…issues.”
Here it comes. I rolled over and propped myself up on my elbows. “All right, who was she?”
Harrison’s lips pulled up in a knowing grin. “Hmm. Her name was Meredith. I guess the quick version would be to say I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with her and it’s a damn good thing I didn’t.”
I sat up a little straighter at his confession, questions racing through my mind as I waited for him to elaborate. Spend the rest of his life with? Were they engaged? What happened? How long ago was he with her? My stomach pitched as I registered the jealousy that had slipped into my veins.
He scrubbed one hand over his face, dragging it slowly down his beard as he drew in a breath. He forced a smile. I knew this was uncomfortable territory for him but he wasn’t shutting the conversation down.
He started again, clearing his throat. “Typical story. College sweethearts. We weren’t right for each other, but it’s easy to get swept up in what other people expect of you. The end came when I realized she acted more like my supervisor than my girlfriend, so…”
A moment passed and I soaked in his words. But he’d said he thought he’d spend his life with her…I read between the lines and let another risky phrase fall from my lips. “You mean fiancée?”
Harrison’s eyes met mine meaningfully. Firmly, as though he wanted me to hear him—listen to him—when he replied. “No. I never asked her. She was never more than my girlfriend.”
The questions didn’t slow down in my head, only fueled the irrational jealousy that bubbled under the surface of my skin. I pulled my gaze away from him and started to reposition myself on my stomach again, opening my Cosmopolitan .
“Hey now,” Harrison piped up. “Your turn.”
I swallowed hard and crawled to the other side of my towel to sit beside him, completely covered in shade. “Why don’t I have a boyfriend?”
Clarifying the question wasn’t necessary, but I wanted to put off giving my answer as long as I could. Harrison nodded and lifted his brows, urging me to divulge the info he was now owed.
“Probably two reasons...at least.” An uncomfortable laugh cracked out of me. “When the only example of marriage you have is horrendous from the start then ends bitterly right in front of you during your formative years, you tend to take caution when it comes to relationships.”
“Your parents?”
I nodded. “I don’t remember them ever liking each other. And at a certain point they started actively hating each other. They got a divorce when I was sixteen.” My lips pressed together in a thin line and I took a long drag from my quickly dwindling beer. “Lots of people’s parents are divorced. I don’t think I’m special or anything, but my inner psychoanalyst can assume that’s why I’ve never…”
“Wait. You’ve never had a boyfriend?” he asked hesitantly.
I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t. The shocked look on his face made me feel no more than two inches tall. Every time I even thought about my history with relationships, I was embarrassed. I was the oddball girl who didn’t look at every guy as a future husband or really anything more than a night’s fun—an addition to the monthly roster if I was lucky. But something about the way Harrison looked at me in that moment, and the fact that his own admission of his romantic past had poured jealousy into my body…I was saddened. Had I wasted opportunities in love? Had I missed something great by keeping my walls solid all these years, never letting a man get further than my bed? If I’d had at least one example of a functioning adult relationship with a man, would I feel less afraid of the foolish desires that kept swarming me the more time I spent with Harrison?
“What’s the other reason?”
I looked over at him, the clouds in my mind darkening the more I damned myself for the choices I’d made.
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