crystal clear as the sky above. In this moment, all that matters is the wave and the chance to ride it without crashing. It’s control and letting go, and when the surfing is best, it’s both at the same time. Like now, as the morning sun warms my shoulders and the ocean lets me take it for a joyride.
When I’m done, I paddle to the shore, bring my board out of the sand, and turn once more to watch the vast expanse of the sea. Surfing is my escape, but it’s also my pleasure. It’s been my outlet, my fun, the thing I do when I’m not working. Today though, it has another benefit. It gives me clarity, and I know as I head home and wash off the sand that I need to try to find a way to have both.
I want Drew. I want work. I want that fine balance in my life without falling.
More than that, I’m also confident we’re
not
a problem. Once upon a time, I was terrified of how a pairing between the two of us would look. Now, with my time today on the water, the great outdoors has done what it’s so good at—given me a calm, clear sense of certainty.
Here’s what I know from both the evidence in the past, and from my own gut. The trouble that players rained down upon the team was honest-to-goodness trouble. Those players could never have asked permission for what they did because what they did was wrong. But Drew and I are in a different place. We
can
ask permission and that’s the key difference between the past woes and my present wish.
I’m not sure how to get there. I don’t know when to jump into the wave or when to leap out. But I know this much as I drive into work—I need to test the waters. I want to put myself out there. And that means it’s time to at least have a conversation with Stuart. I’m not sure that I’ll tell him everything. I’m not sure that I’ll tell him anything, for that matter. I’m not the only one involved in this situation, so I won’t do anything to compromise Drew. But Drew made it clear last night on the phone that he’s ready. I want to find a way, and that starts with talking about the issues and the challenges.
As I park in the stadium lot, Ally calls and we catch up on her date with Jason last night.
“You really like this guy?” I ask as I walk across the asphalt.
“Um, yeah. Haven’t you been listening?”
“I heard every word. I’m just making sure,” I say as I grab the handle and open the door to the front office. “I’ve got to look out for my baby sister.”
“And I thank you for that. But rest assured, he’s a total gentleman, and a sweetheart, and he makes me laugh, and he also has like an eight-inch—”
I cut her off. “—La la la la. I’m pretending you didn’t say that.”
She cracks up. “What? Did you think I was the Virgin Mary?”
“No, I just don’t want to hear about Drew’s best friend’s Wiener schnitzel.”
“Does that mean you and Drew are going to date for real now? Which would mean you’d be in a situation where you’re out and about with Drew and me, and Jason and his Wiener schnitzel?”
I shake my head in amusement. “No, no, and no. Because he’s still off-limits.” I head down the hall to my office.
“And that is a crying shame.”
“ But maybe that can change,” I say softly, floating the idea.
Ally latches onto it. “Really? What are you going to do?”
“I honestly don’t know. But I think I should at least talk to Stuart. Try to understand what’s possible. I know how to ask things without implicating myself or Drew. Just to assess the situation.”
“You should. You totally should,” she says, her enthusiasm loud and clear.
It’s everything I need to hear.
As I enter my office I tell her good-bye, set down my phone and purse, and settle in at my desk. By ten I’ve plowed through a contract from a vendor, and by ten-thirty, I’ve responded to some emails from colleagues needing legal eyes. At eleven, I dive into some research on employee-player relationships to see what I can find
When I’m done, I paddle to the shore, bring my board out of the sand, and turn once more to watch the vast expanse of the sea. Surfing is my escape, but it’s also my pleasure. It’s been my outlet, my fun, the thing I do when I’m not working. Today though, it has another benefit. It gives me clarity, and I know as I head home and wash off the sand that I need to try to find a way to have both.
I want Drew. I want work. I want that fine balance in my life without falling.
More than that, I’m also confident we’re
not
a problem. Once upon a time, I was terrified of how a pairing between the two of us would look. Now, with my time today on the water, the great outdoors has done what it’s so good at—given me a calm, clear sense of certainty.
Here’s what I know from both the evidence in the past, and from my own gut. The trouble that players rained down upon the team was honest-to-goodness trouble. Those players could never have asked permission for what they did because what they did was wrong. But Drew and I are in a different place. We
can
ask permission and that’s the key difference between the past woes and my present wish.
I’m not sure how to get there. I don’t know when to jump into the wave or when to leap out. But I know this much as I drive into work—I need to test the waters. I want to put myself out there. And that means it’s time to at least have a conversation with Stuart. I’m not sure that I’ll tell him everything. I’m not sure that I’ll tell him anything, for that matter. I’m not the only one involved in this situation, so I won’t do anything to compromise Drew. But Drew made it clear last night on the phone that he’s ready. I want to find a way, and that starts with talking about the issues and the challenges.
As I park in the stadium lot, Ally calls and we catch up on her date with Jason last night.
“You really like this guy?” I ask as I walk across the asphalt.
“Um, yeah. Haven’t you been listening?”
“I heard every word. I’m just making sure,” I say as I grab the handle and open the door to the front office. “I’ve got to look out for my baby sister.”
“And I thank you for that. But rest assured, he’s a total gentleman, and a sweetheart, and he makes me laugh, and he also has like an eight-inch—”
I cut her off. “—La la la la. I’m pretending you didn’t say that.”
She cracks up. “What? Did you think I was the Virgin Mary?”
“No, I just don’t want to hear about Drew’s best friend’s Wiener schnitzel.”
“Does that mean you and Drew are going to date for real now? Which would mean you’d be in a situation where you’re out and about with Drew and me, and Jason and his Wiener schnitzel?”
I shake my head in amusement. “No, no, and no. Because he’s still off-limits.” I head down the hall to my office.
“And that is a crying shame.”
“ But maybe that can change,” I say softly, floating the idea.
Ally latches onto it. “Really? What are you going to do?”
“I honestly don’t know. But I think I should at least talk to Stuart. Try to understand what’s possible. I know how to ask things without implicating myself or Drew. Just to assess the situation.”
“You should. You totally should,” she says, her enthusiasm loud and clear.
It’s everything I need to hear.
As I enter my office I tell her good-bye, set down my phone and purse, and settle in at my desk. By ten I’ve plowed through a contract from a vendor, and by ten-thirty, I’ve responded to some emails from colleagues needing legal eyes. At eleven, I dive into some research on employee-player relationships to see what I can find
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