man. By this point, Milly’s face had gone from red to purple. When she screamed again, I pulled her to my chest and started rubbing her back, as I had seen Ibby sometimes do. Maybe she needs to burp? Around my third pat, she let out another man fart. This one vibrated through my hand and chest. Surely she feels better now. She let out another wail and, again, I rubbed her back. The next fart was accompanied by a wet gurgling noise. I flipped her around to investigate.
“Holy shit,” I whispered. Milly had greenish brown colored shit oozing out of both ends…literally! The velocity of her farts had projected shit from her tiny ass all the way up her back and into her hair. I fought back a gag and had to give myself a mental pep talk. Do not hurl, Dillon. You’ve seen shit before. You clean the bathrooms at the bar, for fuck’s sake. This is nothing. Taking a deep breath, I got a big whiff and gagged again. Damn, what the hell is in breast milk? I had watched Isabella change Milly’s diaper a hundred times but had never done it myself. I was at a loss. Ibby had creams and powders and a certain order to things. My heart was beating ninety miles a minute. As I looked around the room for a solution, I noticed Isabella casually leaning against the hall door watching me. The second our eyes met, she burst into howling gales of laughter.
“Oh my God!” she shrieked. “You should see your face!” How long had she been standing there? “She farted and you looked for the dog! I thought I was going to pee myself and then,” laugh-snort-laugh, “she farted again and power pooped! Bwahahahahahahahaha! I almost lost it when you gagged!” Thirty minutes later, after much more laughter, we had Milly bathed, changed and asleep on the bed. Needing to assert my manliness, I took Ibby to the shower and showed her how versatile I could be.
An hour after that, Kurt called and wanted me to meet him at Dragonfly to help interview a prospective new bartender and two possible new waitresses. I didn’t want to go but didn’t feel right making Kurt do it by himself. When I walked out the door, Ibbs was on the bed feeding Milly.
Three hours later, I arrived back home with Chinese food, only to be met with an empty apartment and a note that said,
“Amelia is yours. Apparently so is Dana.”
This was bad.
Chapter Seven
Isabella
‡
“I ’m on my way home, Sal,” I said tearfully.
“What do you mean you’re on your way home?” Sally’s voice boomed loudly through my phone speaker.
I’d been on the road for an hour and a half. Half of which I’d spent crying. The other half I’d spent trying to work up the nerve to call Sally and tell her I was heading home.
“I just talked to you yesterday, Izzy and things were great. What the hell happened between then and now? Did he hurt you, because if he did, I will be more than happy to nut him for you.”
“His girlfriend paid me a visit. That’s what happened.”
“What?” she screeched.
Right after Dillon left for Dragonfly, the doorbell rang. I had just finished changing Amelia and was resting on the bed with her. Brutus, of course, went nuts at the sound of the bell. I wasn’t going to answer it, but at the last minute changed my mind. It’s a good thing I did, because it was the courier from the lab with the paternity test results. Thanking him, I placed the results on the kitchen counter and decided to wait until Dillon got home to open them.
Ten minutes later, the doorbell rang, again. I figured maybe the courier had left something out, so I answered it. Bad move on my part.
“Is Dillon home?” Elvira sweetly asked. She was holding what looked like a stack of clothing in her arms.
“I’m sorry, he just stepped out,” I informed her.
“You must be his cousin, Isabella, from Charleston. He told me you were here for a visit. It’s nice to finally meet you. I’m his girlfriend, Dana. Sorry I didn’t speak to you the other night. I wasn’t trying to be
“Holy shit,” I whispered. Milly had greenish brown colored shit oozing out of both ends…literally! The velocity of her farts had projected shit from her tiny ass all the way up her back and into her hair. I fought back a gag and had to give myself a mental pep talk. Do not hurl, Dillon. You’ve seen shit before. You clean the bathrooms at the bar, for fuck’s sake. This is nothing. Taking a deep breath, I got a big whiff and gagged again. Damn, what the hell is in breast milk? I had watched Isabella change Milly’s diaper a hundred times but had never done it myself. I was at a loss. Ibby had creams and powders and a certain order to things. My heart was beating ninety miles a minute. As I looked around the room for a solution, I noticed Isabella casually leaning against the hall door watching me. The second our eyes met, she burst into howling gales of laughter.
“Oh my God!” she shrieked. “You should see your face!” How long had she been standing there? “She farted and you looked for the dog! I thought I was going to pee myself and then,” laugh-snort-laugh, “she farted again and power pooped! Bwahahahahahahahaha! I almost lost it when you gagged!” Thirty minutes later, after much more laughter, we had Milly bathed, changed and asleep on the bed. Needing to assert my manliness, I took Ibby to the shower and showed her how versatile I could be.
An hour after that, Kurt called and wanted me to meet him at Dragonfly to help interview a prospective new bartender and two possible new waitresses. I didn’t want to go but didn’t feel right making Kurt do it by himself. When I walked out the door, Ibbs was on the bed feeding Milly.
Three hours later, I arrived back home with Chinese food, only to be met with an empty apartment and a note that said,
“Amelia is yours. Apparently so is Dana.”
This was bad.
Chapter Seven
Isabella
‡
“I ’m on my way home, Sal,” I said tearfully.
“What do you mean you’re on your way home?” Sally’s voice boomed loudly through my phone speaker.
I’d been on the road for an hour and a half. Half of which I’d spent crying. The other half I’d spent trying to work up the nerve to call Sally and tell her I was heading home.
“I just talked to you yesterday, Izzy and things were great. What the hell happened between then and now? Did he hurt you, because if he did, I will be more than happy to nut him for you.”
“His girlfriend paid me a visit. That’s what happened.”
“What?” she screeched.
Right after Dillon left for Dragonfly, the doorbell rang. I had just finished changing Amelia and was resting on the bed with her. Brutus, of course, went nuts at the sound of the bell. I wasn’t going to answer it, but at the last minute changed my mind. It’s a good thing I did, because it was the courier from the lab with the paternity test results. Thanking him, I placed the results on the kitchen counter and decided to wait until Dillon got home to open them.
Ten minutes later, the doorbell rang, again. I figured maybe the courier had left something out, so I answered it. Bad move on my part.
“Is Dillon home?” Elvira sweetly asked. She was holding what looked like a stack of clothing in her arms.
“I’m sorry, he just stepped out,” I informed her.
“You must be his cousin, Isabella, from Charleston. He told me you were here for a visit. It’s nice to finally meet you. I’m his girlfriend, Dana. Sorry I didn’t speak to you the other night. I wasn’t trying to be
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