focus on keeping your daughter. It’s what I expect. It’s what I want. It’s what you should do. It’s the smart move if Walter is taking you to court over custody of Chrissie.”
Silence. It’s so heavy it feels like an anchor has been dropped on me, smothering me. I can’t meet the look in his eyes, or his expression, for more than a few moments. I shift my gaze away from him.
“Let me deal with Walter,” he exclaims firmly. “He’s not part of the decisions we make in our life.”
“If he’s preparing to go to court, how do you know he hasn’t had private investigators digging around in your shit, watching and snatching pictures? How do you know he doesn’t already know about me and hasn’t dug around in my past? Jack! There is some pretty awful stuff there he can use against you if this ever gets to court.”
“I won’t let him drag you into court, Linda.”
“You can’t stop it! He’ll use me against you if he ever finds out about me. Be reasonable, Jack.”
“I’m not leaving you behind,” he says stubbornly.
“And I’m not going with you.”
I stare at him, trapped in a storm of warring emotions: his needs, my needs, what I want to do, the right thing to do, and my frustration over his unwilling to see truth.
I say it simply, “I won’t do this. I won’t do something that may harm your little girl. Not even for you.”
He shakes his head. “This is wrong, Linda. This is fucked up.”
I scramble from the bed then, and go to him, stopping near, but not touching him.
“Maybe. But if that’s what it is today, that’s what it is today, and we deal with it how it is. Chrissie has got to come first with you, always. I understand that. I want that. I want you to let me give that to you.”
His eyes soften. He eases me into him slowly, exquisitely surrounding me with his arms. “How did I get so lucky to find you,” he breathes, his lips in my hair.
“I found you. Remember?”
His chest shakes with soundless laughter against my cheek. It is a surprisingly unsettling thing, but I don’t know why. He steps back from me. Too soon. He checks his watch.
“I won’t be late.”
He doesn’t look at me. I feel his sadness and my own sadness. I smile. “Have fun. Focus on your girl. It is all going to be OK.”
He stares at me and exhales very slowly. “Then why the fuck do I feel like nothing is ever going to be OK again?”
~~~
I’m alone in a hotel room yet again. Only this time there is something frantic in me. The room looks the same, the world is the same, but the second the door closed behind Jack internally I am different.
I can’t shake the way Jack looked at me right before he left. Can he sense that when I leave this time I’m planning to leave for good? Does he know we are over?
I struggle to push that thought from my mind. I don’t want my last hours consumed by how I know it will feel leaving him. We have one full day left together, and I want it to be happy. I don’t want us to feel like this. I stare down at my hands. I don’t want me to feel like this.
I stare through the window. The sun is still shining brightly. Christ, it’s only 2:30 in the afternoon. I’m not waiting in the room for him this time. Not today. I can’t be in here alone another minute.
I pull on a white bikini and a little sheer black cover-up, grab a towel from the bathroom, my sunglasses, and head for the door. The hallways is crowded and the hotel very noisy. As I make my way toward the elevator, I wonder how I didn’t notice that before. It feels like the wall are ready to burst from the activity and sound.
I hit the button for the rooftop pool, ease my sunglass down to the end of nose, and then start twisting my curls into a tight coil. I knot them atop of my head. I check my effort in a mirror hanging just outside the elevator entrance. Not very stylish, but who gives a fuck.
The metal doors open, I step in and hit the rooftop button. When the doors open again, sunshine
Silence. It’s so heavy it feels like an anchor has been dropped on me, smothering me. I can’t meet the look in his eyes, or his expression, for more than a few moments. I shift my gaze away from him.
“Let me deal with Walter,” he exclaims firmly. “He’s not part of the decisions we make in our life.”
“If he’s preparing to go to court, how do you know he hasn’t had private investigators digging around in your shit, watching and snatching pictures? How do you know he doesn’t already know about me and hasn’t dug around in my past? Jack! There is some pretty awful stuff there he can use against you if this ever gets to court.”
“I won’t let him drag you into court, Linda.”
“You can’t stop it! He’ll use me against you if he ever finds out about me. Be reasonable, Jack.”
“I’m not leaving you behind,” he says stubbornly.
“And I’m not going with you.”
I stare at him, trapped in a storm of warring emotions: his needs, my needs, what I want to do, the right thing to do, and my frustration over his unwilling to see truth.
I say it simply, “I won’t do this. I won’t do something that may harm your little girl. Not even for you.”
He shakes his head. “This is wrong, Linda. This is fucked up.”
I scramble from the bed then, and go to him, stopping near, but not touching him.
“Maybe. But if that’s what it is today, that’s what it is today, and we deal with it how it is. Chrissie has got to come first with you, always. I understand that. I want that. I want you to let me give that to you.”
His eyes soften. He eases me into him slowly, exquisitely surrounding me with his arms. “How did I get so lucky to find you,” he breathes, his lips in my hair.
“I found you. Remember?”
His chest shakes with soundless laughter against my cheek. It is a surprisingly unsettling thing, but I don’t know why. He steps back from me. Too soon. He checks his watch.
“I won’t be late.”
He doesn’t look at me. I feel his sadness and my own sadness. I smile. “Have fun. Focus on your girl. It is all going to be OK.”
He stares at me and exhales very slowly. “Then why the fuck do I feel like nothing is ever going to be OK again?”
~~~
I’m alone in a hotel room yet again. Only this time there is something frantic in me. The room looks the same, the world is the same, but the second the door closed behind Jack internally I am different.
I can’t shake the way Jack looked at me right before he left. Can he sense that when I leave this time I’m planning to leave for good? Does he know we are over?
I struggle to push that thought from my mind. I don’t want my last hours consumed by how I know it will feel leaving him. We have one full day left together, and I want it to be happy. I don’t want us to feel like this. I stare down at my hands. I don’t want me to feel like this.
I stare through the window. The sun is still shining brightly. Christ, it’s only 2:30 in the afternoon. I’m not waiting in the room for him this time. Not today. I can’t be in here alone another minute.
I pull on a white bikini and a little sheer black cover-up, grab a towel from the bathroom, my sunglasses, and head for the door. The hallways is crowded and the hotel very noisy. As I make my way toward the elevator, I wonder how I didn’t notice that before. It feels like the wall are ready to burst from the activity and sound.
I hit the button for the rooftop pool, ease my sunglass down to the end of nose, and then start twisting my curls into a tight coil. I knot them atop of my head. I check my effort in a mirror hanging just outside the elevator entrance. Not very stylish, but who gives a fuck.
The metal doors open, I step in and hit the rooftop button. When the doors open again, sunshine
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