my head held under water. Like a pillow pressed over my face.
I shake my head no, walk back into the house, and close the door behind me, leaving him there on the stoop holding his folded poem.
TWELVE
RAIN IS COMING down so hard it’s bouncing off the sidewalks. No umbrella. Cold drops snap my skin and stream down my face, inside the collar of my jacket, down my spine. I don’t care. Let it wash me away.
Before I left the house, Jill came downstairs to find me hiding in her bedroom. I had wiped my face but she could see my red eyes. “Who was that outside?”
“Drew. Is he gone?”
“Yeah. He went trudging down the steps like someone just drop-kicked him.” She sat beside me on her bed, almost whispering. “Did you guys break up?”
“He’s not my boyfriend.”
“Did he say something shitty to you?”
“I want to go home.”
“Oh, Sammie.” She put a purple fuzzy bathrobe arm aroundmy shoulders and tried to hug me close. “It’s going to be okay. Come on, Sam.”
“Don’t call me that.” I pulled away. “I’m not Sam.”
Ruby clomped down the stairs and pushed the beaded curtain aside. “What’s wrong? Who was that outside?”
“Her friend, Drew. She wants to go home.”
“Sammie honey, that’s not a good idea.” Ruby came into the room.
“I want it how it was ,” I said. I got up off the bed and folded my arms. “There’s nothing now. It’s all nothing .”
Ruby put her arms around me and squeezed. I went stiff and tried to wriggle away from her round soft self. She hugged tighter.
When she finally eased her grip, she said, “You don’t like to be touched, do you, Sammie. Seems as if you didn’t grow up with much affection. Don’t you need a hug now and then?”
Why does everyone think they know what the hell I need?
I had loads of affection. Maybe not from Sam, but Marlene was a blue-ribbon mush-pot, always petting and kissing me. When I was a kid sometimes I slept in the same bed with her. Especially when we were on the road, Marlene, Sam and me—Sam didn’t want to spring for an extra bed. Late at night, Marlene used to play a game where she wrote words on my back with her finger and I had to guess what she’d just written. It felt so yummy to have my back tickled that I would slide into a stupor every time.
“I don’t know,” I’d say, “write it again. Write me a book.”
Made me want to bawl thinking of it there in Jill’s bedroom, Marlene’s fingernails grazing my skin.
“I’m going out,” I told Ruby.
Jill glanced at her mother. “Do you want company?”
“I’m not going home, okay, I just want to go for a walk.”
Ruby’s tone went low and careful. “I don’t know what all’s happened to you, Sammie, but I just want you to know that we love you.”
Jesus Christ! Love, love love.
Anyone who says I love you is just trying to hold you hostage. Drew should knock it the hell off, too, I thought. He should take it back.
And just like that, the phone rang again. Ruby, Jill and I looked at the bedside table. Ruby picked up, said hello and listened.
“Just a moment.” She held the receiver out for me.
“Sammie?” Drew’s voice was strained and huffing, as if he’d been running. He must have been at a phone booth. I could hear the traffic. “I’m sorry. I meant like a friend. You’re my best friend. Like that, okay? I love you like that.”
“I have to go,” I said, and hung up the phone.
Rainwater drips off the ends of my hair. People passing by with umbrellas look at me as if I’m a complete berserker, out in a downpour like this.
Is it turkeys that tilt their heads back in the rain and drown?
I keep hearing Drew. I love you . Marlene too. I love you . Makes me want to dig out my skull with a spoon.
Marlene claims to be selective about the love stuff. She doesn’t say that to just anyone, she says. Mind you, she alsosays, “Tell the truth and shame the devil,” whenever she’s trying to get something out of me. She
I shake my head no, walk back into the house, and close the door behind me, leaving him there on the stoop holding his folded poem.
TWELVE
RAIN IS COMING down so hard it’s bouncing off the sidewalks. No umbrella. Cold drops snap my skin and stream down my face, inside the collar of my jacket, down my spine. I don’t care. Let it wash me away.
Before I left the house, Jill came downstairs to find me hiding in her bedroom. I had wiped my face but she could see my red eyes. “Who was that outside?”
“Drew. Is he gone?”
“Yeah. He went trudging down the steps like someone just drop-kicked him.” She sat beside me on her bed, almost whispering. “Did you guys break up?”
“He’s not my boyfriend.”
“Did he say something shitty to you?”
“I want to go home.”
“Oh, Sammie.” She put a purple fuzzy bathrobe arm aroundmy shoulders and tried to hug me close. “It’s going to be okay. Come on, Sam.”
“Don’t call me that.” I pulled away. “I’m not Sam.”
Ruby clomped down the stairs and pushed the beaded curtain aside. “What’s wrong? Who was that outside?”
“Her friend, Drew. She wants to go home.”
“Sammie honey, that’s not a good idea.” Ruby came into the room.
“I want it how it was ,” I said. I got up off the bed and folded my arms. “There’s nothing now. It’s all nothing .”
Ruby put her arms around me and squeezed. I went stiff and tried to wriggle away from her round soft self. She hugged tighter.
When she finally eased her grip, she said, “You don’t like to be touched, do you, Sammie. Seems as if you didn’t grow up with much affection. Don’t you need a hug now and then?”
Why does everyone think they know what the hell I need?
I had loads of affection. Maybe not from Sam, but Marlene was a blue-ribbon mush-pot, always petting and kissing me. When I was a kid sometimes I slept in the same bed with her. Especially when we were on the road, Marlene, Sam and me—Sam didn’t want to spring for an extra bed. Late at night, Marlene used to play a game where she wrote words on my back with her finger and I had to guess what she’d just written. It felt so yummy to have my back tickled that I would slide into a stupor every time.
“I don’t know,” I’d say, “write it again. Write me a book.”
Made me want to bawl thinking of it there in Jill’s bedroom, Marlene’s fingernails grazing my skin.
“I’m going out,” I told Ruby.
Jill glanced at her mother. “Do you want company?”
“I’m not going home, okay, I just want to go for a walk.”
Ruby’s tone went low and careful. “I don’t know what all’s happened to you, Sammie, but I just want you to know that we love you.”
Jesus Christ! Love, love love.
Anyone who says I love you is just trying to hold you hostage. Drew should knock it the hell off, too, I thought. He should take it back.
And just like that, the phone rang again. Ruby, Jill and I looked at the bedside table. Ruby picked up, said hello and listened.
“Just a moment.” She held the receiver out for me.
“Sammie?” Drew’s voice was strained and huffing, as if he’d been running. He must have been at a phone booth. I could hear the traffic. “I’m sorry. I meant like a friend. You’re my best friend. Like that, okay? I love you like that.”
“I have to go,” I said, and hung up the phone.
Rainwater drips off the ends of my hair. People passing by with umbrellas look at me as if I’m a complete berserker, out in a downpour like this.
Is it turkeys that tilt their heads back in the rain and drown?
I keep hearing Drew. I love you . Marlene too. I love you . Makes me want to dig out my skull with a spoon.
Marlene claims to be selective about the love stuff. She doesn’t say that to just anyone, she says. Mind you, she alsosays, “Tell the truth and shame the devil,” whenever she’s trying to get something out of me. She
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