staying at your counter during a busy afternoon. From the numbers I saw last week, maybe you can do even more than that. Just a thought.”
I watch her saunter off, and shake my head when she is out of sight. For the first time in all the years I have worked here, I have the urge to quit — just walk out.
“Did you hear that?” I say to Patti. I know she heard it. The Clinique counter is five feet away.
She’s still ignoring me. I can’t take fighting with Patti — not now.
“Isn’t there a statue of limitations on this sort of thing?” I call from behind my counter.
She looks up at me. I can tell she weighing whether or not to continue with the silent treatment. Something in my face tips her off that I need her — that this isn’t the time to dig in her heels.
“We were only trying to help,” she says.
I look around, making sure Aimee is gone, and I rush over to her.
“I know,” I say, suddenly fighting tears. “And I appreciate it. I do. But I’m trying to tell you I need you to leave it alone. That would really be the most help.”
She nods. “Okay. I’m sorry. We didn’t mean to ambush you. But you’re pushing us away, you rejected the support group. I would feel better knowing there was someone helping you.”
I hear Justin’s words. I thought I was helping you.
And I hear myself. I don’t need your help.
I can’t hold back the tears. My sobs break through, loud and messy. Customers standing near the elevator look at us. Patti rushes around her counter, then throws her arms around me so fast it’s like she’s trying to catch me before I fall.
*** ***
At seven o’clock, when I would normally be finding a seat at the Erotic Reading Salon, I am instead at home on my couch watching television.
Midnight is curled in my lap, but she is small consolation.
I wish I’d never met Justin. I was perfectly fine before he got involved in my life. Okay, so I had a few regrets. But I was dealing with them. I was having fun at the Reading Salon. Now, to avoid him, I can’t go tonight.
He’s such an arrogant jerk. The worst kind of handsome, entitled, Master of the Universe asshole. I can’t believe I fell for his bullshit.
Midnight yawns, stretching out lazily. Next week I have to take her to be neutered. The vet told me she is in perfect health. She just has to have her ovaries removed.
I look down at her, stroking her silky coat. “Yeah, you and me both, kid.”
The thing is, if I’d never met Justin, I wouldn’t have the Now or Never List. And while things have changed between us, while our friendship crashed and burned, the now or never part hasn’t changed.
Midnight jumps off my lap to scamper into the kitchen, either chasing some imaginary noise, or to eat. Either way, her departure frees me to get off the couch.
I walk quickly up the stairs into my bedroom, where I open the top drawer of my nightstand. The list is there, where I left it weeks ago. I pick it up, gently, as if it’s some ancient artifact that might dissolve under my touch. The sight of Justin’s handwriting gives me a pang. But I remind myself it’s not about Justin.
I’m not going to sit home, licking my wounds over a friendship that wasn’t even real, or over a schoolgirl crush that was never going anywhere.
I can’t turn Justin into my boyfriend.
My job at the store isn’t going to change.
And my cancer isn’t going to just disappear.
But The List is one thing that’s in my control. I scan the items and see that amazingly, only one more event and I’ll be halfway done. Three weeks ago, I thought this whole thing was purely hypothetical.
Number five: Watch people have sex.
After the intimacy of the hotel encounter, this should be relatively easy. I don’t even have to do anything except find a pair of willing exhibitionists. What was it Justin said? Sex is everywhere once you’ve got your eyes
I watch her saunter off, and shake my head when she is out of sight. For the first time in all the years I have worked here, I have the urge to quit — just walk out.
“Did you hear that?” I say to Patti. I know she heard it. The Clinique counter is five feet away.
She’s still ignoring me. I can’t take fighting with Patti — not now.
“Isn’t there a statue of limitations on this sort of thing?” I call from behind my counter.
She looks up at me. I can tell she weighing whether or not to continue with the silent treatment. Something in my face tips her off that I need her — that this isn’t the time to dig in her heels.
“We were only trying to help,” she says.
I look around, making sure Aimee is gone, and I rush over to her.
“I know,” I say, suddenly fighting tears. “And I appreciate it. I do. But I’m trying to tell you I need you to leave it alone. That would really be the most help.”
She nods. “Okay. I’m sorry. We didn’t mean to ambush you. But you’re pushing us away, you rejected the support group. I would feel better knowing there was someone helping you.”
I hear Justin’s words. I thought I was helping you.
And I hear myself. I don’t need your help.
I can’t hold back the tears. My sobs break through, loud and messy. Customers standing near the elevator look at us. Patti rushes around her counter, then throws her arms around me so fast it’s like she’s trying to catch me before I fall.
*** ***
At seven o’clock, when I would normally be finding a seat at the Erotic Reading Salon, I am instead at home on my couch watching television.
Midnight is curled in my lap, but she is small consolation.
I wish I’d never met Justin. I was perfectly fine before he got involved in my life. Okay, so I had a few regrets. But I was dealing with them. I was having fun at the Reading Salon. Now, to avoid him, I can’t go tonight.
He’s such an arrogant jerk. The worst kind of handsome, entitled, Master of the Universe asshole. I can’t believe I fell for his bullshit.
Midnight yawns, stretching out lazily. Next week I have to take her to be neutered. The vet told me she is in perfect health. She just has to have her ovaries removed.
I look down at her, stroking her silky coat. “Yeah, you and me both, kid.”
The thing is, if I’d never met Justin, I wouldn’t have the Now or Never List. And while things have changed between us, while our friendship crashed and burned, the now or never part hasn’t changed.
Midnight jumps off my lap to scamper into the kitchen, either chasing some imaginary noise, or to eat. Either way, her departure frees me to get off the couch.
I walk quickly up the stairs into my bedroom, where I open the top drawer of my nightstand. The list is there, where I left it weeks ago. I pick it up, gently, as if it’s some ancient artifact that might dissolve under my touch. The sight of Justin’s handwriting gives me a pang. But I remind myself it’s not about Justin.
I’m not going to sit home, licking my wounds over a friendship that wasn’t even real, or over a schoolgirl crush that was never going anywhere.
I can’t turn Justin into my boyfriend.
My job at the store isn’t going to change.
And my cancer isn’t going to just disappear.
But The List is one thing that’s in my control. I scan the items and see that amazingly, only one more event and I’ll be halfway done. Three weeks ago, I thought this whole thing was purely hypothetical.
Number five: Watch people have sex.
After the intimacy of the hotel encounter, this should be relatively easy. I don’t even have to do anything except find a pair of willing exhibitionists. What was it Justin said? Sex is everywhere once you’ve got your eyes
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