great childhood."
"I see my questions upset you."
I close my eyes and try to imagine I'm standing on Planet Pluto, looking out into the wide open universe, where nobody ever asks you stupid questions.
CHAPTER 17
Yesterday was Shrink Day, today is the weekly Pep Day at school, tomorrow is Friday, the beginning of another weekend of nothing to do. This is how life goes, one day at a time, one minute at a time, one little heartbeat at a time.
The thing is, I don't know where my life is going. I don't mean whether I'll be a doctor or lawyer or anything like that when I grow up. If I'm going to be anything it will be a vet. I'd rather spend my time with animals than people any day. Animals don't judge you all the time. My dog Lucky used to sleep on my bed, and he didn't mind if I got up to wash my hands in the middle of the night. He didn't bark or look at me like I was crazy. He just yawned and curled himself over my feet again when I climbed back under the covers.
So when I say I don't know where my life is going, I mean whether it's going forward or backwards or anywhere at all. I feel stuck, like I'm in some kind of weird
quicksand that isn't pulling me under but won't let me go, either. I keep coming up with more things I have to do to make sure I stay floating.
Like today. I walked to school in the gutter instead of on the sidewalk. The reason is that I did that on Monday because they were working on the sidewalks, and I had a really good day. So Tuesday morning when I left home I thought maybe I'd better walk in the gutter again or something bad would happen to Mom. Maybe she'd piss off some angry husband in one of her divorce cases and he'd wait outside the courthouse and shoot her. Or she'd have an accident driving homeâhit a telephone pole or something. I don't know why I started thinking about her just when I left the house, but I did, and then somehow the possible bad thing happening to her got connected in my mind to the gutter. So every day I have to walk in the gutter. I suppose this is what Dr. W. wants to know, but I hate talking about this stuff. It's bad enough thinking crazy things and doing them without having to tell people about them. Besides, he'd probably just ask why it's my mother that I always worry about and not my father, like I have some complex about her.
Maybe it's because Dad hassles me more. He's been on me a lot lately about getting out of the house. He told me that it was a new rule that I had to do something at least one afternoon or evening each weekend. I told him I was too old for rules like that. He said I wasn't. Then he said I also had to join an activity or club at school. I told him that you couldn't just join something in the middle of February, but he said to do it anyway and walked away. Another argument lost.
So I've decided I'll go to Harvard Square again on Saturday and see if the old guy is standing outside C'est Bon with Little Sasha. I'm going to take extra money with me and I may buy the kitten from him. I haven't asked Mom or Dad yet, but they got me a dog, so why not a cat?
For an activity I joined the Latin Club's secret project. No one knows what it is except the members. Mr. Green wouldn't even tell me when I signed up. He said the other students would show me when I came to the meeting next week.
I guess that's improvementâI have plans. And the best thing about them is that they aren't today. It's three p.m. and I'm locking my locker for the last time andâ
"Heading home?"
Tanya's standing next to me, swinging her backpack in her hand.
"Yeah, I guess so. You have a club, right?"
"Gay-Straight was canceled today, so I have nothing to do till the late bus."
"You're in Gay-Straight?"
"Sure. I'm treasurer."
"What do they need a treasurer for?"
"We raise money to send to kids who get discriminated against. They need lawyers."
"Oh."
Tanya pokes my arm. "So, I have an hour till the late bus. Why don't you invite me over?"
Over
âdoes she
"I see my questions upset you."
I close my eyes and try to imagine I'm standing on Planet Pluto, looking out into the wide open universe, where nobody ever asks you stupid questions.
CHAPTER 17
Yesterday was Shrink Day, today is the weekly Pep Day at school, tomorrow is Friday, the beginning of another weekend of nothing to do. This is how life goes, one day at a time, one minute at a time, one little heartbeat at a time.
The thing is, I don't know where my life is going. I don't mean whether I'll be a doctor or lawyer or anything like that when I grow up. If I'm going to be anything it will be a vet. I'd rather spend my time with animals than people any day. Animals don't judge you all the time. My dog Lucky used to sleep on my bed, and he didn't mind if I got up to wash my hands in the middle of the night. He didn't bark or look at me like I was crazy. He just yawned and curled himself over my feet again when I climbed back under the covers.
So when I say I don't know where my life is going, I mean whether it's going forward or backwards or anywhere at all. I feel stuck, like I'm in some kind of weird
quicksand that isn't pulling me under but won't let me go, either. I keep coming up with more things I have to do to make sure I stay floating.
Like today. I walked to school in the gutter instead of on the sidewalk. The reason is that I did that on Monday because they were working on the sidewalks, and I had a really good day. So Tuesday morning when I left home I thought maybe I'd better walk in the gutter again or something bad would happen to Mom. Maybe she'd piss off some angry husband in one of her divorce cases and he'd wait outside the courthouse and shoot her. Or she'd have an accident driving homeâhit a telephone pole or something. I don't know why I started thinking about her just when I left the house, but I did, and then somehow the possible bad thing happening to her got connected in my mind to the gutter. So every day I have to walk in the gutter. I suppose this is what Dr. W. wants to know, but I hate talking about this stuff. It's bad enough thinking crazy things and doing them without having to tell people about them. Besides, he'd probably just ask why it's my mother that I always worry about and not my father, like I have some complex about her.
Maybe it's because Dad hassles me more. He's been on me a lot lately about getting out of the house. He told me that it was a new rule that I had to do something at least one afternoon or evening each weekend. I told him I was too old for rules like that. He said I wasn't. Then he said I also had to join an activity or club at school. I told him that you couldn't just join something in the middle of February, but he said to do it anyway and walked away. Another argument lost.
So I've decided I'll go to Harvard Square again on Saturday and see if the old guy is standing outside C'est Bon with Little Sasha. I'm going to take extra money with me and I may buy the kitten from him. I haven't asked Mom or Dad yet, but they got me a dog, so why not a cat?
For an activity I joined the Latin Club's secret project. No one knows what it is except the members. Mr. Green wouldn't even tell me when I signed up. He said the other students would show me when I came to the meeting next week.
I guess that's improvementâI have plans. And the best thing about them is that they aren't today. It's three p.m. and I'm locking my locker for the last time andâ
"Heading home?"
Tanya's standing next to me, swinging her backpack in her hand.
"Yeah, I guess so. You have a club, right?"
"Gay-Straight was canceled today, so I have nothing to do till the late bus."
"You're in Gay-Straight?"
"Sure. I'm treasurer."
"What do they need a treasurer for?"
"We raise money to send to kids who get discriminated against. They need lawyers."
"Oh."
Tanya pokes my arm. "So, I have an hour till the late bus. Why don't you invite me over?"
Over
âdoes she
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