Nostradamus Ate My Hamster by Robert Rankin

while standing on her head?”
    “I think that’s probably the same one.” Russell nodded gloomily.
    “Why did she give it to you?”
    “I don’t know.”
    “Well, didn’t you ask her?”
    “I didn’t get a chance. Look, stop asking me all these questions.”
    “Do you know what it is?”
    “That’s the last one I’ll answer. It’s a programmer.”
    The dishonest-looking mouth dropped open and the eyes that were too close for comfort grew quite wide. “You’ve got the programmer? Let me see it, give it to me.”
    “I’ll let you see it,” said Russell, “but I won’t give it to you until you explain to me exactly what it does.”
    “I can’t do that.”
    “Then you can’t have it.”
    “Oh come on, Russell, it’s mine. I’ll make it worth your while, I’ll give you money.”
    “I don’t want money. I want … Holy God, what’s
that
?”
    Russell stared and pointed. Bobby Boy bobbed up and down before him, trying to obscure Russell’s vision. “It’s nothing, don’t worry about it. Just give me the programmer.”
    “It
isn’t
nothing,” said Russell, gently easing Bobby Boy aside. “It’s a … it’s a …”
    “It’s a UFO,” sighed Bobby boy. “But it’s
my
UFO.”
    “You
built
it?”
    “I … er, acquired it.”
    “You stole it.”
    “Technically speaking, yes.”
    Russell took a few steps forward and stared up at the UFO. It wasn’t really a UFO. Which is to say that it
was
, but also it
wasn’t
. A UFO is an unidentified flying object and this object was clearly identifiable. It was clearly identifiable as the thing it was, which was, to say, a flying saucer. But then a flying saucer would qualify as a UFO. Many consider these to be one and the same. Russell was one of these.
    “A flying saucer,” Russell whistled, and it
was
as James Campbell would say, “the full Adamski”. About fifteen feet in diameter, standing upon the traditional tripod legs. The neat little dome at the top. Several portholes. An open hatch, a nifty extendible ladder (now extended).
    This flying saucer varied from others which have been reported over the years, in the fact that it had certain markings on the side. Not cryptic symbols of a possibly Venusian nature, but symbols Russell recognized at once. And the recognition of them put the wind up him something awful.
    “It’s not
strictly
a flying saucer,” said Bobby Boy. “It’s a
Flügelrad
.”
    “A German word,” whispered Russell. “And those symbols are –”
    “Swastikas, yes. They still have the power to put the wind up you, don’t they?”
    “Yes, they do.” Russell shook his head slowly. “This is old, isn’t it? All the nuts and bolts and stuff. I mean, it looks as though it was built years ago. And yet it looks brand new.”
    “If I tell you all about how I got it, will you give me the programmer?” Bobby Boy had a reedy little voice. A real whiner, it was. If his appearance said,
tricky
, then so did his voice. Well, it didn’t actually
say
“tricky”, but it
was
.
Tricky
, that is.
    “If I consider that you’ve told me the truth,” said Russell.
    “Tricky,” said Bobby Boy’s mouth.
    “Would you like to have a go at it?”
    Bobby Boy’s mouth made little smacking sounds. Tricky little smacking sounds. “All right,” said he. “I will tell you everything. Exactly how it happened. Shit, I’ve been dying to tell someone, but I just couldn’t. I didn’t know who I could trust.”
    “You can trust me,” said Russell.
    “Yes,” agreed Bobby Boy. “You
can
be trusted, Russell. So if I tell you, I want you to promise me you’ll not tell anyone else.”
    “Well …” said Russell.
    “That’s the deal. Hurry now, before I change my mind.”
    Russell, who had felt sure that
he
had the upper hand, now felt that somehow he didn’t. “All right,” he said, “I swear.”
    “OK, come on into my office and sit down. This will take a bit of telling.”
    “All right,” said Russell once more and