be having a hard time getting his breath. The, uh, whatever it was — he hadn’t ordered anything . No, nothing . The address must be wrong. And the name. Some kind of computer mixup. And what a ridiculous looking gizmo it was anyway. What did she suppose it was? He examined it for some time, making clucking noises with his tongue, and finally he laughed. Wasn’t it just too bizarre for words? Wouldn’t it just make quite the conversation piece, though, when he had friends over? But wouldn’t Krystal get in trouble if he accepted delivery and whoever had really ordered it called and complained, wondering where it had got to?
No, she said. There was no problem.
What the heck then. He would take it off her hands. And he gave her a twenty-five dollar tip.
Twenty-five dollars falling on her out of the sky was the kind of thing that got Krystal’s mind working extra shifts. She thought how every time she tried to get rich quick, she couldn’t afford to do it. But this time she also thought that if she was the one who had the item or whatever the other party wanted, they would pay her for it. If that sounds obvious, it wasn’t. Growing up in SuEz, the only people she’d known who had anything other people wanted and were willing to pay for were whores and drug dealers.
Doing normal business was unheard of, if you didn’t count the Korean up the street who had a corner store and when anybody was in it kept saying to them over and over, “Please don’t steal from me. Please don’t steal from me.” That was all he ever said. Nina’s daughters thought maybe it was the only English he knew. When they bought something and he gave them change, he said, “Please don’t steal from me.” Guinevere hated him for saying it because it made her feel dirty and cheap, since she was the only one of the sisters who regularly stole very much. Merlina explained that was how Gwinny got all the magazines she had to read to find out if there was anything about her in them. When most people stole, though, they mostly stole so they could buy drugs. So they were still working within the system.
The astonishing concept Krystal stumbled on called for turning her approach inside out.
Now she needed her own scheme. One with low overhead. Better yet, with no overhead. Even better, with no product, either. And it could be she had never heard that the easiest marks are the people who think they’re too smart to get conned, but somehow or other that was precisely her target market.
Not being a natural writer, she turned to Jarmeel Tolbert, who had a way with words that was perfect for what she had in mind. When she looked at the scuba diver’s mask he’d spray-painted gold and wore perched on the top of his head, and told him she thought it was excellent, he was very pleased. He said he’d been forced to improvise like this because the only spaceship-style headgear available on the market came in little kids’ sizes and didn’t fit him.
While the letters were taking shape, Krystal was amazed how many names and addresses of potential clients she could find on the Internet, all of them top-level executives and government officials. It was also quite educational. Until then she had no idea that the capital of Nigeria was some place called Abuja.
They all started along the lines of this one:
Chief Oniwaju O. Gdabamdosi, Ph.D.,
Chairman,
Rogomaku Heavy Industrials Group plc,
(Formerly Princess Ziwawarka Esthetics Institute),
Acacia Park, Plot PC 2,
Opposite Kringeli Disposals,
Lagos
“My Very Dear Most Excellency Doctor,”
After that, they were all word for word the same:
I takin time out ob my busy skedule to write you about a little problem dat have come up wid de Administeration here in Washington, D.C. You be de one person in de worl who in a position to solve it and get my poor husband out ob de biggest jam he evah been in. Yes, dat’s right. I talkin about de top man. I be de Fust Lady and he be de President ob de United
No, she said. There was no problem.
What the heck then. He would take it off her hands. And he gave her a twenty-five dollar tip.
Twenty-five dollars falling on her out of the sky was the kind of thing that got Krystal’s mind working extra shifts. She thought how every time she tried to get rich quick, she couldn’t afford to do it. But this time she also thought that if she was the one who had the item or whatever the other party wanted, they would pay her for it. If that sounds obvious, it wasn’t. Growing up in SuEz, the only people she’d known who had anything other people wanted and were willing to pay for were whores and drug dealers.
Doing normal business was unheard of, if you didn’t count the Korean up the street who had a corner store and when anybody was in it kept saying to them over and over, “Please don’t steal from me. Please don’t steal from me.” That was all he ever said. Nina’s daughters thought maybe it was the only English he knew. When they bought something and he gave them change, he said, “Please don’t steal from me.” Guinevere hated him for saying it because it made her feel dirty and cheap, since she was the only one of the sisters who regularly stole very much. Merlina explained that was how Gwinny got all the magazines she had to read to find out if there was anything about her in them. When most people stole, though, they mostly stole so they could buy drugs. So they were still working within the system.
The astonishing concept Krystal stumbled on called for turning her approach inside out.
Now she needed her own scheme. One with low overhead. Better yet, with no overhead. Even better, with no product, either. And it could be she had never heard that the easiest marks are the people who think they’re too smart to get conned, but somehow or other that was precisely her target market.
Not being a natural writer, she turned to Jarmeel Tolbert, who had a way with words that was perfect for what she had in mind. When she looked at the scuba diver’s mask he’d spray-painted gold and wore perched on the top of his head, and told him she thought it was excellent, he was very pleased. He said he’d been forced to improvise like this because the only spaceship-style headgear available on the market came in little kids’ sizes and didn’t fit him.
While the letters were taking shape, Krystal was amazed how many names and addresses of potential clients she could find on the Internet, all of them top-level executives and government officials. It was also quite educational. Until then she had no idea that the capital of Nigeria was some place called Abuja.
They all started along the lines of this one:
Chief Oniwaju O. Gdabamdosi, Ph.D.,
Chairman,
Rogomaku Heavy Industrials Group plc,
(Formerly Princess Ziwawarka Esthetics Institute),
Acacia Park, Plot PC 2,
Opposite Kringeli Disposals,
Lagos
“My Very Dear Most Excellency Doctor,”
After that, they were all word for word the same:
I takin time out ob my busy skedule to write you about a little problem dat have come up wid de Administeration here in Washington, D.C. You be de one person in de worl who in a position to solve it and get my poor husband out ob de biggest jam he evah been in. Yes, dat’s right. I talkin about de top man. I be de Fust Lady and he be de President ob de United
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