mead, so I accepted a glass of it. I raised it to my lips. I drank.
Ugh. Vomitous! It tasted like a combination of Red Bull and V8. There was alcohol in there too. I spit the vile stuff out.
“I make only one request of you, my young Dinkle,” Hockaloogie commented after downing a mug of mead. “Do not ask about my mysterious past.”
“What about your mysterious past?” I asked.
“I told you not to ask that,” he replied.
“Wait a minute,” I said, slapping the dust from my pants. “I know your big secret! You’re really my father, right? They did that in Star Wars .”
“Of course not, silly Dinkle,” he snickered. “Time will tell all. You have been chosen by the Great One to embark on a quest. You will spend an inordinate amount of time journeying from place to place. To and fro. Hither and yon.”
“Y’know, I bet we can do that whole quest thing online,” I pointed out to him. “I’ve heard you can even set up a teleconference through Kinko’s.”
“The mysterious Land of Kinko’s of which you speak will not exist for many centuries,” Hockaloogie told me. “We are now in the Dark Ages of Analog. There are no shortcuts. You must journey on foot, by boat, on the backs of beasts of burden.”
“I’d really like to,” I told him, “but I have some homework to finish.”
“The fate of the kingdom is at stake!” he exploded, backing me against a tree. “Only you have the power to block the forces of darkness from destroying humanity! Only you can prevent the horrible truth that awaits once the powers of good and evil descend to earth in a battle over mankind. Only you can fight not only for your own life, but the lives of all creatures!”
“Okay! Okay!” I said. “I suppose I could make up my homework next week.”
“Your mission, Dinkle,” he proclaimed, almost in a whisper, “is to find the…Magical Gold-Plated Knick-Knack.”
As soon as the words left his lips, the sound of singing angels came out of an unseen speaker.
“And what’s so magical about this Gold-Plated Knick-Knack?” I asked.
The eerie singing of angels played again. It was like surround sound.
“The Gold-Plated Knick-Knack possesses the power to cure ills, defeat demons, and get rid of hard-to-remove stains,” he informed me. “It is in the possession of Mingus Coltrane, the Evil Over-lord of Invisalign.”
Right after he said that name, I heard creepy music playing on a pipe organ.
“Do you know where this Mingus Coltrane guy is?” I asked.
“I do,” he replied.
It seemed like a no-brainer to me.
“Instead of sending me off on a wild-goose chase, why don’t you just tell me where this Coltrane guy is so I can get the Magical Gold-Plated Knick-Knack from him?” I suggested. “That would save us all a lot of time.”
“I cannot,” he replied. “You must embark on your quest.”
With that, Hockaloogie vanished.
To be honest with you, I was glad to be rid of him. That guy was annoying. I’d rather walk a hundred miles than listen to the old coot blab.
So I set out on the road. On my journey. My quest.
Why me? I thought to myself. Why was I chosen by the Great One, whoever that is? Why? Why? Why? I said why a few more times, just in case there was somebody out there who hadn’t heard. Then I realized that I was thinking to myself and nobody could hear me anyway.
As luck would have it, I had not ventured more than a few short steps when I bumped into the first of many improbable creatures I would encounter. He was a short odd-looking being, dressed in all green. His shirt was green. His socks were green. Even his shoes were green. I introduced myself to the funny-looking man, thinking how easy it must be for him to pick out his clothes in the morning.
“My name is Kooky Sidekick,” he divulged.
“Are you…human?” I asked, not wanting to insult the little fellow.
“I am half-elf and half-dwarf,” he replied. “I’m a dwelf. Can I join you on your quest?”
“How
Ugh. Vomitous! It tasted like a combination of Red Bull and V8. There was alcohol in there too. I spit the vile stuff out.
“I make only one request of you, my young Dinkle,” Hockaloogie commented after downing a mug of mead. “Do not ask about my mysterious past.”
“What about your mysterious past?” I asked.
“I told you not to ask that,” he replied.
“Wait a minute,” I said, slapping the dust from my pants. “I know your big secret! You’re really my father, right? They did that in Star Wars .”
“Of course not, silly Dinkle,” he snickered. “Time will tell all. You have been chosen by the Great One to embark on a quest. You will spend an inordinate amount of time journeying from place to place. To and fro. Hither and yon.”
“Y’know, I bet we can do that whole quest thing online,” I pointed out to him. “I’ve heard you can even set up a teleconference through Kinko’s.”
“The mysterious Land of Kinko’s of which you speak will not exist for many centuries,” Hockaloogie told me. “We are now in the Dark Ages of Analog. There are no shortcuts. You must journey on foot, by boat, on the backs of beasts of burden.”
“I’d really like to,” I told him, “but I have some homework to finish.”
“The fate of the kingdom is at stake!” he exploded, backing me against a tree. “Only you have the power to block the forces of darkness from destroying humanity! Only you can prevent the horrible truth that awaits once the powers of good and evil descend to earth in a battle over mankind. Only you can fight not only for your own life, but the lives of all creatures!”
“Okay! Okay!” I said. “I suppose I could make up my homework next week.”
“Your mission, Dinkle,” he proclaimed, almost in a whisper, “is to find the…Magical Gold-Plated Knick-Knack.”
As soon as the words left his lips, the sound of singing angels came out of an unseen speaker.
“And what’s so magical about this Gold-Plated Knick-Knack?” I asked.
The eerie singing of angels played again. It was like surround sound.
“The Gold-Plated Knick-Knack possesses the power to cure ills, defeat demons, and get rid of hard-to-remove stains,” he informed me. “It is in the possession of Mingus Coltrane, the Evil Over-lord of Invisalign.”
Right after he said that name, I heard creepy music playing on a pipe organ.
“Do you know where this Mingus Coltrane guy is?” I asked.
“I do,” he replied.
It seemed like a no-brainer to me.
“Instead of sending me off on a wild-goose chase, why don’t you just tell me where this Coltrane guy is so I can get the Magical Gold-Plated Knick-Knack from him?” I suggested. “That would save us all a lot of time.”
“I cannot,” he replied. “You must embark on your quest.”
With that, Hockaloogie vanished.
To be honest with you, I was glad to be rid of him. That guy was annoying. I’d rather walk a hundred miles than listen to the old coot blab.
So I set out on the road. On my journey. My quest.
Why me? I thought to myself. Why was I chosen by the Great One, whoever that is? Why? Why? Why? I said why a few more times, just in case there was somebody out there who hadn’t heard. Then I realized that I was thinking to myself and nobody could hear me anyway.
As luck would have it, I had not ventured more than a few short steps when I bumped into the first of many improbable creatures I would encounter. He was a short odd-looking being, dressed in all green. His shirt was green. His socks were green. Even his shoes were green. I introduced myself to the funny-looking man, thinking how easy it must be for him to pick out his clothes in the morning.
“My name is Kooky Sidekick,” he divulged.
“Are you…human?” I asked, not wanting to insult the little fellow.
“I am half-elf and half-dwarf,” he replied. “I’m a dwelf. Can I join you on your quest?”
“How
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