minutes. I typically like to nap for about a half an hour. Any less and I didn’t feel like I was taking full advantage of one of life’s greatest and simplest pleasures and any more and I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night. I tried to ignore the knocking. I didn’t have any friends or family so it couldn’t have been anything important. I picked up my cordless phone. I hadn’t missed any calls.
The knocking continued. Louder. Methodical. Like some kind of death knell.
I got out of my chair and took the few steps to the front door. I peered through the peep hole. In my neighborhood, you didn’t just open the door. That could get one shot or raped. Well, I probably wasn’t in danger of being raped unless the rapist had some really warped perversion for middle aged fat guys.
A man stood out on the porch. He wore a pair of aviator sunglasses and stared directly at the peep hole like he knew I stood just on the other side.
“ Can I help you!?” My door was solid steel so I had to yell in order to be heard.
“ Saul Dressing?”
“ What are you here for?”
“ Are you Saul Dressing?”
My first instinct was to say ‘no’ and hope he left but the way he just stared at the peep hole was intimidating. Like if I lied to him he could remove his sunglasses and shoot laser beams into my head, melting my brains.
“ Yes. Can I help you?”
“ Open the door, please.”
“ Why?”
“ Please open the door.”
“ Are you selling something?”
“ No. Open the door.”
“ Not until you tell me why you’re here.”
“ Open the door on behalf of the government of the United States of Everything.”
“ Are you serious?”
“ Open the door or you’ll be in violation of… a whole lot of stuff.”
“ Do you have identification?”
His sturdy aviator glasses-covered face was replaced with a badge. It showed a picture of a beady eyed man with the same haircut. I could see why he wore the sunglasses. There was an Everything flag on it. I didn’t know what an official government badge looked like so it could have easily been a fake.
“ How do I know that’s real?”
“ Mr. Dressing, if you do not open this door in the next thirty seconds then I will drag you from your home, place you in my official government vehicle, and drive you to an official government detainment center where you will either stay for an officially long time or drop off the face of the earth and then… well, very few people will know what happens to you then.”
I began turning all the dead bolts. What else could I do? I didn’t have any idea how one could even contact the government to find out if this was real or not. Even if I did, I’m sure it wouldn’t have been an easy or quick process.
“ You’d better hurry,” he said.
Now my hands were shaking. I unlocked the last dead bolt and opened the door as quickly as possible.
Seeing this man in full he looked even less like a government employee. He wore a camouflage sweat suit stretched to its limits over his girth.
“ Is that a sweat suit?” I couldn’t help myself.
“ Yes. It makes it easier to move around.”
His sunglasses moved over the length of my body and stopped when aimed at my feet.
“ Dear God,” he said.
Dammit. I had forgotten to put my shoes back on.
“ Jesus. I think I’m going to be sick.”
He took a couple of steps to his right until he reached the railing of my porch. He braced himself and vomited over the side. I thought about covering my toenails but then remembered I didn’t have to. This was my house. At least for a few more minutes anyway.
He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and stood in front of me again. He pushed me out of the way and stood in the middle of my living room, surveying the surroundings.
“ Come in, I guess.”
“ I already have.”
“ I know. I was just… being sarcastic.”
“ You know who else was sarcastic? The French.” Then he smirked and hooked his thumbs in the waistband of his
The knocking continued. Louder. Methodical. Like some kind of death knell.
I got out of my chair and took the few steps to the front door. I peered through the peep hole. In my neighborhood, you didn’t just open the door. That could get one shot or raped. Well, I probably wasn’t in danger of being raped unless the rapist had some really warped perversion for middle aged fat guys.
A man stood out on the porch. He wore a pair of aviator sunglasses and stared directly at the peep hole like he knew I stood just on the other side.
“ Can I help you!?” My door was solid steel so I had to yell in order to be heard.
“ Saul Dressing?”
“ What are you here for?”
“ Are you Saul Dressing?”
My first instinct was to say ‘no’ and hope he left but the way he just stared at the peep hole was intimidating. Like if I lied to him he could remove his sunglasses and shoot laser beams into my head, melting my brains.
“ Yes. Can I help you?”
“ Open the door, please.”
“ Why?”
“ Please open the door.”
“ Are you selling something?”
“ No. Open the door.”
“ Not until you tell me why you’re here.”
“ Open the door on behalf of the government of the United States of Everything.”
“ Are you serious?”
“ Open the door or you’ll be in violation of… a whole lot of stuff.”
“ Do you have identification?”
His sturdy aviator glasses-covered face was replaced with a badge. It showed a picture of a beady eyed man with the same haircut. I could see why he wore the sunglasses. There was an Everything flag on it. I didn’t know what an official government badge looked like so it could have easily been a fake.
“ How do I know that’s real?”
“ Mr. Dressing, if you do not open this door in the next thirty seconds then I will drag you from your home, place you in my official government vehicle, and drive you to an official government detainment center where you will either stay for an officially long time or drop off the face of the earth and then… well, very few people will know what happens to you then.”
I began turning all the dead bolts. What else could I do? I didn’t have any idea how one could even contact the government to find out if this was real or not. Even if I did, I’m sure it wouldn’t have been an easy or quick process.
“ You’d better hurry,” he said.
Now my hands were shaking. I unlocked the last dead bolt and opened the door as quickly as possible.
Seeing this man in full he looked even less like a government employee. He wore a camouflage sweat suit stretched to its limits over his girth.
“ Is that a sweat suit?” I couldn’t help myself.
“ Yes. It makes it easier to move around.”
His sunglasses moved over the length of my body and stopped when aimed at my feet.
“ Dear God,” he said.
Dammit. I had forgotten to put my shoes back on.
“ Jesus. I think I’m going to be sick.”
He took a couple of steps to his right until he reached the railing of my porch. He braced himself and vomited over the side. I thought about covering my toenails but then remembered I didn’t have to. This was my house. At least for a few more minutes anyway.
He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and stood in front of me again. He pushed me out of the way and stood in the middle of my living room, surveying the surroundings.
“ Come in, I guess.”
“ I already have.”
“ I know. I was just… being sarcastic.”
“ You know who else was sarcastic? The French.” Then he smirked and hooked his thumbs in the waistband of his
Similar Books
