Nanny Piggins and the Wicked Plan by R. A. Spratt

atall. The pig of his imagination certainly had not been wearing designer clothes and eye make-up. Derrick, Samantha and Michael stood behind Nanny Piggins waiting to see what she would do to the doctor.
    ‘Did you enjoy that?’ asked Nanny Piggins.
    ‘Did I enjoy what?’ asked the doctor, having no idea what she was talking about.
    ‘Waiting,’ said Nanny Piggins.
    ‘No, it’s very rude to leave me standing out here for so long,’ complained the doctor.
    ‘Exactly,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Now you know what it’s like. I hope you don’t make your patients wait so long in the future.’
    ‘But that’s different,’ spluttered the doctor. ‘They have a comfortable waiting room with magazines.’
    ‘Don’t get her started on the magazines,’ advised Michael. ‘It will make you feel sick.’
    ‘There is nothing comfortable about putting a group of diseased people in a confined space and leaving them there for an hour,’ argued Nanny Piggins.
    ‘Look here, you have completely ruined my business,’ complained the doctor.
    ‘Have I?’ asked Nanny Piggins.
    ‘All my patients have left me and taken up eating cake,’ said the doctor.
    ‘I’m sure they’re a lot happier,’ said Nanny Piggins.
    ‘That’s not the point,’ protested the doctor. ‘It is my job to make sure they are well.’
    ‘You’re not doing a very good job then,’ said Nanny Piggins.
    ‘I spent six years at medical school learning to be a doctor,’ said the doctor. ‘You can’t come along and steal all my patients by prescribing cake!’
    ‘Oh, can’t I?’ said Nanny Piggins, her eyes narrowing.
    This just goes to show how very unwise the doctor was. Because anyone who knew Nanny Piggins knew that you should never ever tell her she could not do something. Once, one of the acrobats at the circus had made a similar mistake. He said Nanny Piggins would never be able to pogo-jump all the way across Belgium dressed up as Henry the Eighth. Three days, two million jumps and one very sweaty Henry the Eighth costume later, he was made to look very silly indeed. Telling Nanny Piggins she could not do something was always the best way to make sure that is exactly what she did.
    Indeed, humans underestimating the willpower of pigs is a common theme throughout history. It was a pig who built the Great Wall of China tokeep the Mongol hordes from invading. (Which is why to this day in every Chinese restaurant you get Mongolian lamb, not Mongolian pork.) And it was a pig who discovered America but, unlike Christopher Columbus, she had the good sense to keep her discovery to herself because she found lots of yummy food there.
    Nanny Piggins had planned to spend the next day setting up a ham radio and gossiping with her friends on the Falkland Islands. But the doctor had annoyed her, so she decided to annoy him back.
    The next morning, when the doctor arrived at his surgery, there were, yet again, no patients waiting.
    ‘Where are all my patients today?’ ranted the doctor. His wife/receptionist did not bother explaining, she just pointed out the window. There, on the other side of the road, sat Nanny Piggins. She had set up a cake stall with a sign overhead reading ‘Holistic Cake Healer’. And, unlike the doctor, she was surrounded by eager patients.
    ‘Now she’s gone too far!’ exploded the doctor.
    He set out across the street to give Nanny Piggins a piece of his mind. ‘You cannot treat ill people purely by giving them cake!’ he yelled at Nanny Piggins.
    ‘I know,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘That’s why I’m branching out.’
    ‘You’re what?’ spluttered the doctor.
    ‘I’m using honey to treat wounds,’ started Nanny Piggins.
    ‘It’s an excellent antiseptic,’ supplied Samantha.
    ‘Lemonade to treat sore throats,’ said Nanny Piggins.
    ‘It’s very soothing,’ added Boris.
    ‘And I’m using fudge to treat irritable bowel syndrome,’ said Nanny Piggins.
    ‘How does fudge help irritable bowel syndrome?’