My Boring-Ass Life (Revised Edition): The Uncomfortably Candid Diary of Kevin Smith by Kevin Smith Page A
Authors: Kevin Smith
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Mandel at the Griddle a few months back.
I get home, play some Ultimate Bet for a bit, then say goodbye to Jen as she heads off to pick up Harley from school. Following that, I take a shower, shave, get dressed, and head over the hill to Burbank.
I get to the NBC lot, go through security, and get to the Tonight Show . I’m in my guest room about a minute before Leno drops by (he chit-chats with all the guests before the show). I ask him about what he’ll do at the end of the four years — like if he’ll just do more standup. He reminds me that 150 nights out of the year (three nights a week), he’s doing standup somewhere other than the show. The dude’s work ethic is insane. Kristin Powers from Talk/Miramax Books comes by as Jay’s leaving, as does Dave Berg, the segment producer. We go over the stuff I’m gonna be talking about until Andy McElfresh (my Roadside Attractions part-ner-in-crime) shows up. Andy and I catch up as the show begins, and then he’s off, back to an editing suite to finish his piece for tomorrow night’s show.
I watch the show in my guest room and am floored by how fucking boring and what a terrible interview the O.C. chick is. I’ve now been a couch guest five or six times on Tonight , always as the second interview, and have figured out that there’s this delicate balance you want in the guest who comes before you: you want them to be good, but not great. You want them to warm the audience up, so that when you get out there, you’re not facing a sleepy crowd. At the same time, you don’t want the first guest to kill — otherwise you’re gonna have a tough time impressing the audience. The O.C. chick offers nothing. It’s dead quiet out there — which makes my job harder, because I’ve gotta be even funnier than I planned on being and win the crowd within the first thirty seconds or risk tanking harder than the chick who just said she was lucky enough to be in Rome when the Pope died.
I’m sweating profusely (natch), so I get a little powder in the makeup room and trim my beard a touch. I get wired up and after the Human Ambien’s segment is over, I head backstage to go on, post-commercials.
I do my segment.
Post-show, I talk to Rob Thomas for a few seconds, say goodbye to Jay. Debbie Vickers (the producer of the show and a chick I really dig) tells me I killed, and Dave Berg thanks me for a great segment. I head back to my dressing room where I talk with a guy who pops in to tell me he used to be an accountant on the Clerks cartoon, and how ABC fucked it up. Then Andy comes by to give me the thumbs up on the segment, as does Kristin and John Melendez (aka Stuttering John). John and I bullshit for a while about Howard and the Sirius move, as well as other non-Howard related stuff. Forty-five minutes later, it’s just me and Kristin, and we go over stuff we wanna do for the book (I opt against taking out magazine ads, as it’s a waste of money, and agree to do an interview on Air America if they can get me in), including a celebratory We Sold Out the First Printing signing party we’re thinking of doing at the Stash before I head off to Catch . I drop Kristin off at the front door of the studio where her car’s waiting, and head home.
I get into my woobs and sack out behind the computer for a little email checking and UB. Soon, it’s dinnertime, and I head upstairs for a Byron-grilled cheeseburger while everyone else is doing tacos. We talk about the Vancouver move as well as Harley’s day and what she wants to do in British Columbia. It’s about then that I realize I still don’t have directions to the Bottom’s Up set tonight, where I’m supposed to be in an hour, so I head downstairs to call Mewes and play some more UB.
I collect a bunch of wardrobe possibilities (pjs and a robe), kiss Jen, and head off to the Valley for the Bottoms Up shoot.
Find the lot where they’re shooting, pull in, and head to the trailer I share with Mewes for this, the last night of
I get home, play some Ultimate Bet for a bit, then say goodbye to Jen as she heads off to pick up Harley from school. Following that, I take a shower, shave, get dressed, and head over the hill to Burbank.
I get to the NBC lot, go through security, and get to the Tonight Show . I’m in my guest room about a minute before Leno drops by (he chit-chats with all the guests before the show). I ask him about what he’ll do at the end of the four years — like if he’ll just do more standup. He reminds me that 150 nights out of the year (three nights a week), he’s doing standup somewhere other than the show. The dude’s work ethic is insane. Kristin Powers from Talk/Miramax Books comes by as Jay’s leaving, as does Dave Berg, the segment producer. We go over the stuff I’m gonna be talking about until Andy McElfresh (my Roadside Attractions part-ner-in-crime) shows up. Andy and I catch up as the show begins, and then he’s off, back to an editing suite to finish his piece for tomorrow night’s show.
I watch the show in my guest room and am floored by how fucking boring and what a terrible interview the O.C. chick is. I’ve now been a couch guest five or six times on Tonight , always as the second interview, and have figured out that there’s this delicate balance you want in the guest who comes before you: you want them to be good, but not great. You want them to warm the audience up, so that when you get out there, you’re not facing a sleepy crowd. At the same time, you don’t want the first guest to kill — otherwise you’re gonna have a tough time impressing the audience. The O.C. chick offers nothing. It’s dead quiet out there — which makes my job harder, because I’ve gotta be even funnier than I planned on being and win the crowd within the first thirty seconds or risk tanking harder than the chick who just said she was lucky enough to be in Rome when the Pope died.
I’m sweating profusely (natch), so I get a little powder in the makeup room and trim my beard a touch. I get wired up and after the Human Ambien’s segment is over, I head backstage to go on, post-commercials.
I do my segment.
Post-show, I talk to Rob Thomas for a few seconds, say goodbye to Jay. Debbie Vickers (the producer of the show and a chick I really dig) tells me I killed, and Dave Berg thanks me for a great segment. I head back to my dressing room where I talk with a guy who pops in to tell me he used to be an accountant on the Clerks cartoon, and how ABC fucked it up. Then Andy comes by to give me the thumbs up on the segment, as does Kristin and John Melendez (aka Stuttering John). John and I bullshit for a while about Howard and the Sirius move, as well as other non-Howard related stuff. Forty-five minutes later, it’s just me and Kristin, and we go over stuff we wanna do for the book (I opt against taking out magazine ads, as it’s a waste of money, and agree to do an interview on Air America if they can get me in), including a celebratory We Sold Out the First Printing signing party we’re thinking of doing at the Stash before I head off to Catch . I drop Kristin off at the front door of the studio where her car’s waiting, and head home.
I get into my woobs and sack out behind the computer for a little email checking and UB. Soon, it’s dinnertime, and I head upstairs for a Byron-grilled cheeseburger while everyone else is doing tacos. We talk about the Vancouver move as well as Harley’s day and what she wants to do in British Columbia. It’s about then that I realize I still don’t have directions to the Bottom’s Up set tonight, where I’m supposed to be in an hour, so I head downstairs to call Mewes and play some more UB.
I collect a bunch of wardrobe possibilities (pjs and a robe), kiss Jen, and head off to the Valley for the Bottoms Up shoot.
Find the lot where they’re shooting, pull in, and head to the trailer I share with Mewes for this, the last night of
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