you’re getting more returns than you’re putting in. As soon as you see it that way, you focus a little bit differently on who’s a friend, because it’s not about you getting what you want. It’s about both getting more than you’re putting in.” That is to say, the friendships I’ll gravitate toward aren’t justthe ones that have a lot to offer me, but those where I bring something to the table as well.
It’s nearing the end of March. Almost a quarter of the way through the year, it’s time for a temperature check. Do I have a BFF? Clearly not. I don’t even know if I’d go so far as to say I have new friends (Merriam-Webster defines a friend as “one attached to another by affection or esteem,” and none of these relationships involve attachment just yet). But I have new acquaintances, plenty of whom, over time, I’m confident will become friends, and—fingers crossed—maybe even best ones. I have high hopes for Hannah, Hilary, Margot, Kim, and Jen-Alison (they’re a twofer). Given Hannah’s wide network, and Jen-Alison’s tight-knit group, I’m not sure we’ll ever reach that “I’m calling just because I need someone to vent to” level, (they have their own friends for that, so we may never get the synergy right) but I do think that real friendships are possible. As for my coworkers, they certainly are friends, but as long as we work together I think our friendships will remain mostly 9-to-5, with off-hours activities generally five strong. I’m fine with that. Having good friends within earshot five days a week is pretty amazing.
I do feel like I’ve mastered the art of the first date. No longer is the should-I-hug-or-handshake dilemma. There’s no right answer really, though I tend toward the hug. Certainly a hug on departure.
I’ve fine-tuned the email to a long-lost friend: “We talked about getting together and I’d love to make it happen,” yes. “I’ve lived here two years and am still looking for friends,” no.
As for setups, I opt for the mutual friend introduction. When Callie fixed me up with Muffy, she sent one email to us both: “Rachel, meet Muffy. Muffy, meet Rachel. You’re bothnewish to Chicago, and my friends, so I thought you should meet!” It’s an easy way to get things moving. All I had to say was “Hi, Muffy! I’d love to get together. How’s Monday?” If I’m Facebook friends with the BFF-in-waiting already, as I was with Hilary, I’ll send the initial message that way. Feels more casual. More, well, friendly.
On a personal note, my loneliness is dissipating. It’s not gone—hence the bouts of jealousy when I saw Callie and Jill—but with weekly friend-dates and yoga and monthly book clubs, there’s hardly time to be alone, certainly not to feel alone. Only three months in, I’d count that as success.
SPRING:
“BFFLESS SEEKING
SAME”: TAKING OUT A
WANT AD
CHAPTER 5
In February, I wrote an essay about my search that was published online. I figured serial killers are unlikely to troll the Internet for want ads hidden within an essay, so if I was too nervous to post on Craigslist this would be the next best thing. After laying out my backstory and explaining why Matt wasn’t enough to quench my thirst for friendship, I put it out there: “MWF Seeking BFF: Must live in Chicago. Must not bring her dog to lunch dates. Fluency in
Entertainment Weekly
preferred but not required.” It wasn’t easy to distill my BFF requirements into three short sentences, especially since there’s so much more I want out of a BFF. But how do you say, “Looking for someone to call on a moment’s notice, who will watch TV, talk books, laugh at nothing, and analyze others (from Charlie Sheen to my mom) with me when necessary. Someone who will talk me off the ledge from time to time. In return, I will support you in all you do, drive you to the airport whenever you need, and be up for a playdate always”? Well, I guess you say it just like that, but it might
It’s nearing the end of March. Almost a quarter of the way through the year, it’s time for a temperature check. Do I have a BFF? Clearly not. I don’t even know if I’d go so far as to say I have new friends (Merriam-Webster defines a friend as “one attached to another by affection or esteem,” and none of these relationships involve attachment just yet). But I have new acquaintances, plenty of whom, over time, I’m confident will become friends, and—fingers crossed—maybe even best ones. I have high hopes for Hannah, Hilary, Margot, Kim, and Jen-Alison (they’re a twofer). Given Hannah’s wide network, and Jen-Alison’s tight-knit group, I’m not sure we’ll ever reach that “I’m calling just because I need someone to vent to” level, (they have their own friends for that, so we may never get the synergy right) but I do think that real friendships are possible. As for my coworkers, they certainly are friends, but as long as we work together I think our friendships will remain mostly 9-to-5, with off-hours activities generally five strong. I’m fine with that. Having good friends within earshot five days a week is pretty amazing.
I do feel like I’ve mastered the art of the first date. No longer is the should-I-hug-or-handshake dilemma. There’s no right answer really, though I tend toward the hug. Certainly a hug on departure.
I’ve fine-tuned the email to a long-lost friend: “We talked about getting together and I’d love to make it happen,” yes. “I’ve lived here two years and am still looking for friends,” no.
As for setups, I opt for the mutual friend introduction. When Callie fixed me up with Muffy, she sent one email to us both: “Rachel, meet Muffy. Muffy, meet Rachel. You’re bothnewish to Chicago, and my friends, so I thought you should meet!” It’s an easy way to get things moving. All I had to say was “Hi, Muffy! I’d love to get together. How’s Monday?” If I’m Facebook friends with the BFF-in-waiting already, as I was with Hilary, I’ll send the initial message that way. Feels more casual. More, well, friendly.
On a personal note, my loneliness is dissipating. It’s not gone—hence the bouts of jealousy when I saw Callie and Jill—but with weekly friend-dates and yoga and monthly book clubs, there’s hardly time to be alone, certainly not to feel alone. Only three months in, I’d count that as success.
SPRING:
“BFFLESS SEEKING
SAME”: TAKING OUT A
WANT AD
CHAPTER 5
In February, I wrote an essay about my search that was published online. I figured serial killers are unlikely to troll the Internet for want ads hidden within an essay, so if I was too nervous to post on Craigslist this would be the next best thing. After laying out my backstory and explaining why Matt wasn’t enough to quench my thirst for friendship, I put it out there: “MWF Seeking BFF: Must live in Chicago. Must not bring her dog to lunch dates. Fluency in
Entertainment Weekly
preferred but not required.” It wasn’t easy to distill my BFF requirements into three short sentences, especially since there’s so much more I want out of a BFF. But how do you say, “Looking for someone to call on a moment’s notice, who will watch TV, talk books, laugh at nothing, and analyze others (from Charlie Sheen to my mom) with me when necessary. Someone who will talk me off the ledge from time to time. In return, I will support you in all you do, drive you to the airport whenever you need, and be up for a playdate always”? Well, I guess you say it just like that, but it might
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