make some sense out of all this and explain what was going on, but she looked empty and sad and blank. It was as though we all felt this wasn’t really happening at all and we were in the middle of a bad dream.
Sadly, though, it was no dream. This big, ugly, cold house was to be our home now. That much I understood.
When Ruth had finished talking, a lady came in with a plate of sandwiches. We’d missed tea, Ruth said, so this was all they could do. The three of us sat over our plates without saying a word. I didn’t even see the sandwiches in front of me. I put one in my mouth and it tasted like cardboard. I felt as if I was going to be sick.
After tea, Ruth took us to see the rooms where we would be sleeping. The first door she opened was at the top of the stairs. ‘This is where you’ll be, Louise,’ she said. I stared at the little room, with its single bed, and my lips wobbled as it dawned on me that I was to be in here on my own. For the first time in my life, Tanya wasn’t going to be with me. I felt panicky and my eyes filled with tears. Where would Tanya be? And what if I needed her or got scared in the night? I wouldn’t even be able to leave the door open; all the rooms had heavy fire-doors which slammed shut behind you. I wanted to beg Ruth to let me sleep with Tanya, but I didn’t dare say a word.
Tanya and Jamie were shown to identical rooms further along the corridor. Then we were taken back downstairs into what Ruth called the games room. It was a big, open-plan room with a dining table and a hatch through to the kitchen at one end, and a pool table, a TV and some arcade machines at the other end. Eight or nine rough-looking kids - all of them older than me and Tanya - were playing pool or standing around the arcade machines.
The three of us hung back, awkward and shy, as the kids sized us up. None of them spoke to us, and we didn’t join in, we just went over to some seats near the TV and sat there, staring at it without even noticing what was on.
That evening, Nanna came over with some of our things in a small suitcase. We were allowed to talk to her for a few minutes. I was glad to see Nanna, who was a little warmer than usual. She asked if we were all right and told us Mum was crying, so she couldn’t stay long, as she needed to get back to her. She told us Mum wouldn’t be allowed to come and see us for a while, and I started crying again. Nanna said she would come back and see us again soon, then she left.
That night I unpacked the little suitcase. Only my clothes were in it. Not my teddy or my beloved doll. I got into the cold bed and lay there, feeling more alone than ever before. I had cried so much I had no more tears; I just stared into the darkness, wishing I had my little doll, Amber, to cuddle, or the comforting sound of Tanya’s breathing on the other side of the room.
I had lost everything. Now I had to live in this ugly house, where I didn’t want to be, with new people who were nothing to do with me. The only thing that hadn’t changed was the way I felt. Unloved, uncared for and lost.
Chapter Eight
In the end I must have slept a little. I woke when Ruth came in and told me to get dressed and come down for breakfast. I felt heavy and tired, but I dragged myself up, put on my clothes and went down to the dining area. When I got there, most of the other kids were already sitting around the big table.
There were about ten of us altogether. I was the youngest - most of the rest were teenagers who ignored me or looked at me as if I was something the cat had brought in. I sat down and looked around for the food. Then I realised that none of the kids were eating - they seemed to be waiting for something. A couple of minutes later, a boy of about fifteen sauntered in. He went over to the counter where the cereals were laid out and helped himself, before coming over to sit down. After that, everyone else went to get some
Sadly, though, it was no dream. This big, ugly, cold house was to be our home now. That much I understood.
When Ruth had finished talking, a lady came in with a plate of sandwiches. We’d missed tea, Ruth said, so this was all they could do. The three of us sat over our plates without saying a word. I didn’t even see the sandwiches in front of me. I put one in my mouth and it tasted like cardboard. I felt as if I was going to be sick.
After tea, Ruth took us to see the rooms where we would be sleeping. The first door she opened was at the top of the stairs. ‘This is where you’ll be, Louise,’ she said. I stared at the little room, with its single bed, and my lips wobbled as it dawned on me that I was to be in here on my own. For the first time in my life, Tanya wasn’t going to be with me. I felt panicky and my eyes filled with tears. Where would Tanya be? And what if I needed her or got scared in the night? I wouldn’t even be able to leave the door open; all the rooms had heavy fire-doors which slammed shut behind you. I wanted to beg Ruth to let me sleep with Tanya, but I didn’t dare say a word.
Tanya and Jamie were shown to identical rooms further along the corridor. Then we were taken back downstairs into what Ruth called the games room. It was a big, open-plan room with a dining table and a hatch through to the kitchen at one end, and a pool table, a TV and some arcade machines at the other end. Eight or nine rough-looking kids - all of them older than me and Tanya - were playing pool or standing around the arcade machines.
The three of us hung back, awkward and shy, as the kids sized us up. None of them spoke to us, and we didn’t join in, we just went over to some seats near the TV and sat there, staring at it without even noticing what was on.
That evening, Nanna came over with some of our things in a small suitcase. We were allowed to talk to her for a few minutes. I was glad to see Nanna, who was a little warmer than usual. She asked if we were all right and told us Mum was crying, so she couldn’t stay long, as she needed to get back to her. She told us Mum wouldn’t be allowed to come and see us for a while, and I started crying again. Nanna said she would come back and see us again soon, then she left.
That night I unpacked the little suitcase. Only my clothes were in it. Not my teddy or my beloved doll. I got into the cold bed and lay there, feeling more alone than ever before. I had cried so much I had no more tears; I just stared into the darkness, wishing I had my little doll, Amber, to cuddle, or the comforting sound of Tanya’s breathing on the other side of the room.
I had lost everything. Now I had to live in this ugly house, where I didn’t want to be, with new people who were nothing to do with me. The only thing that hadn’t changed was the way I felt. Unloved, uncared for and lost.
Chapter Eight
In the end I must have slept a little. I woke when Ruth came in and told me to get dressed and come down for breakfast. I felt heavy and tired, but I dragged myself up, put on my clothes and went down to the dining area. When I got there, most of the other kids were already sitting around the big table.
There were about ten of us altogether. I was the youngest - most of the rest were teenagers who ignored me or looked at me as if I was something the cat had brought in. I sat down and looked around for the food. Then I realised that none of the kids were eating - they seemed to be waiting for something. A couple of minutes later, a boy of about fifteen sauntered in. He went over to the counter where the cereals were laid out and helped himself, before coming over to sit down. After that, everyone else went to get some
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