transfer me to a different college, somewhere further away. But I knew he wouldn't. He wanted me to face things head on, deal with the consequences of my actions, all that shit.
I'm prepared. I think. Actually, I have no fucking clue. All I know is that I'm ready to face it. I'm ready to take whatever the world has to give.
'You're staying in the main house when you get home,' Dad said. It was my punishment for being gone the extra six months. Whatever. The pool house just reminded me of Amanda, anyway.
First date. Final goodbye.
Sill missing her, Diary.
Next entry. I'll be home.
*
Home.
It's been three days.
I'm still hiding out.
Bought a car, though, that's something. It's a shitty old truck. It'll do. Anything will do. Dad said he wants to sell the house, find something smaller. The largeness of it makes him lonely. Truth—it's kind of upsetting. I grew up in this house, learned to ride my bike in the driveway. This house holds a lot of good moments for me.
When I told him, he just smiled, said maybe it was worth keeping.
He'd also done some upgrading to the house, high cement fencing and a security gate. He even got security lights and cameras in certain spots. He told me that there had been a string of burglaries in the area. I knew it wasn't true, but I didn't call him out on it. Honestly, having that extra security helped me to actually sleep easier at night.
I'm better, but I'm not, not really. If I were to use psychology terms, I'd tell you I was quiet, withdrawn, introverted. Not my usual asshole-self. Dad said he missed his asshole. That made me laugh.
I did something stupid today. I drove my car two hours away. Guess where? Not hard. I don't know why I did it. I just wanted to see her, maybe just to assure myself that she was okay. Ethan's jeep was in the driveway, along with a green hatchback. It could be hers.
Three hours I sat in front of the house like a creeper, then the front door burst open. Ethan first, then Alexis, her best friend. And then Tristan. The outside security light turned on, she walked out, locked the door, and checked it at least five times. My hands shook. I sat on them, moved further down my seat and pulled my cap down past eyebrows. Fucking creeper.
Then I heard it. Her laugh. 'Oh my God,' she squealed, holding her stomach.
I drove away.
It was too much.
I shouldn't have been there.
What the hell was I thinking?
At least she was happy.
That's something, right?
A few hours later I had the words that seemed so fitting tattooed on my arm. One day, I swear, I'll look at it, and maybe it won't hurt so much.
*
Three weeks of being home.
I saw her.
I don't think I fully understood how broken I was until my eyes caught hers and she smiled up at me.
Suddenly, it felt like all of the broken pieces of me locked into place, one by one. I felt it physically as much as mentally.
We talked. I can't for the life of me even remember what was said. It's like my heart and my mind were constantly battling, and I didn't know which one to voice. At one point, my heart won out, and I let a familiar comfort settle over my actions, or it could have been the panic that kicked in.
Baby, I called her.
And something in her snapped.
I deserved the slap.
Just like I'll deserve any and all future punishment I get from her.
11
Amanda
I woke up the next morning feeling worse than I did the night before. It had never been my intention to hurt Logan, not even emotionally. What I did was horrible. The guilt of it consumed me.
What hurt the most was his reaction. It was as if he saw me for the first time—who I really was. I thought he'd known me better than that, but I guess a year can change a person's perspectives.
It sure as hell changed mine.
At first, of course I hated him. I hated that he could just leave, without a single warning, not even a goodbye. But slowly, with every day that passed and every visit with his dad, things started
I'm prepared. I think. Actually, I have no fucking clue. All I know is that I'm ready to face it. I'm ready to take whatever the world has to give.
'You're staying in the main house when you get home,' Dad said. It was my punishment for being gone the extra six months. Whatever. The pool house just reminded me of Amanda, anyway.
First date. Final goodbye.
Sill missing her, Diary.
Next entry. I'll be home.
*
Home.
It's been three days.
I'm still hiding out.
Bought a car, though, that's something. It's a shitty old truck. It'll do. Anything will do. Dad said he wants to sell the house, find something smaller. The largeness of it makes him lonely. Truth—it's kind of upsetting. I grew up in this house, learned to ride my bike in the driveway. This house holds a lot of good moments for me.
When I told him, he just smiled, said maybe it was worth keeping.
He'd also done some upgrading to the house, high cement fencing and a security gate. He even got security lights and cameras in certain spots. He told me that there had been a string of burglaries in the area. I knew it wasn't true, but I didn't call him out on it. Honestly, having that extra security helped me to actually sleep easier at night.
I'm better, but I'm not, not really. If I were to use psychology terms, I'd tell you I was quiet, withdrawn, introverted. Not my usual asshole-self. Dad said he missed his asshole. That made me laugh.
I did something stupid today. I drove my car two hours away. Guess where? Not hard. I don't know why I did it. I just wanted to see her, maybe just to assure myself that she was okay. Ethan's jeep was in the driveway, along with a green hatchback. It could be hers.
Three hours I sat in front of the house like a creeper, then the front door burst open. Ethan first, then Alexis, her best friend. And then Tristan. The outside security light turned on, she walked out, locked the door, and checked it at least five times. My hands shook. I sat on them, moved further down my seat and pulled my cap down past eyebrows. Fucking creeper.
Then I heard it. Her laugh. 'Oh my God,' she squealed, holding her stomach.
I drove away.
It was too much.
I shouldn't have been there.
What the hell was I thinking?
At least she was happy.
That's something, right?
A few hours later I had the words that seemed so fitting tattooed on my arm. One day, I swear, I'll look at it, and maybe it won't hurt so much.
*
Three weeks of being home.
I saw her.
I don't think I fully understood how broken I was until my eyes caught hers and she smiled up at me.
Suddenly, it felt like all of the broken pieces of me locked into place, one by one. I felt it physically as much as mentally.
We talked. I can't for the life of me even remember what was said. It's like my heart and my mind were constantly battling, and I didn't know which one to voice. At one point, my heart won out, and I let a familiar comfort settle over my actions, or it could have been the panic that kicked in.
Baby, I called her.
And something in her snapped.
I deserved the slap.
Just like I'll deserve any and all future punishment I get from her.
11
Amanda
I woke up the next morning feeling worse than I did the night before. It had never been my intention to hurt Logan, not even emotionally. What I did was horrible. The guilt of it consumed me.
What hurt the most was his reaction. It was as if he saw me for the first time—who I really was. I thought he'd known me better than that, but I guess a year can change a person's perspectives.
It sure as hell changed mine.
At first, of course I hated him. I hated that he could just leave, without a single warning, not even a goodbye. But slowly, with every day that passed and every visit with his dad, things started
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