Moments in Time by Karen Stivali Page A

Because if we stay together, I’ve got news for you. I’m gonna wanna kiss you sometimes without giving a fuck about who might see.”
    If. He said if. Fuck.
    Tanner tugged open the drawer beneath his bed and pulled out his gym bag. “Wendy said I could catch a ride down to the city with her. That’ll give you the whole weekend to think.”
    The backs of my eyes stung. He’s leaving. He’s still pissed. Are we breaking up? My stomach lurched. “Tanner, I….”
    He shoved a few T-shirts into the bag, swiped some things off his dresser, and zipped the bag shut. “She’s leaving first thing in the morning, so I’m just going over now.”
    My brain couldn’t keep up with what was happening. Tanner slung his backpack over his shoulder, grabbed the duffel and gym bag, and walked to the door. It creaked as he pulled it open. To me it sounded like the Earth had cracked in two. Like the world was ending.
    “Wait.”
    “What?” He turned and looked at me, arm braced against the open door.
    Say something. Anything. Laughter sounded in the hall, and Tim and Eric stopped outside our room.
    “Hey,” Tim said. “Where you going?”
    “Wendy and I are headed home for the weekend.”
    “Nice. Have a good time.” He elbowed Tanner and muttered something to Eric about Wendy’s ass. Then he looked at me. “Where the fuck did you run off to in such a hurry?”
    “I, uh, I forgot to turn in a paper. I had to e-mail it to my professor.”
    “Good thing you remembered.” Tim walked past, heading toward his room.
    Tanner looked at me again. Waiting. Prodding me with his eyes. And I couldn’t speak, couldn’t say one goddamned thing.
    He nodded. “Yeah. That’s what I thought.”
    Letting go of the door, he stepped into the hall and let it slam behind him. I listened as he clomped down the hall and into the stairwell, pretty sure everything I liked about my life had just ended.

C HAPTER F IFTEEN
     
     
    T ANNER HADN ’ T even been gone twenty-four hours, but I was a wreck. I made it through my shift at work, wanting nothing more than to go home. Then I got back to the dorm and felt even worse. With him gone our room felt beyond empty. Devoid of energy. The kind of alone I didn’t want to ever feel again.
    I knew he was right—right to be angry, right to be hurt, right to say all the shit he did. I did need to get more comfortable, with everything, including myself. How crazy was that? I’d been me for twenty years, but the only time I was comfortable about it was when I was alone with him. All shades of wrong. Not because I felt good about myself with him, but because I needed to feel good about myself, period.
    Late-afternoon sun shone through the window. I knew I should get work done or go to the library, but I didn’t want to. Instead I stripped off my clothes. Stupid as it sounds I’d never done that before—been naked alone in my own room. Sure, once in a while, if I was changing, there might be a second or two when I didn’t have anything on, but other than that? Nope. Even when I showered, I always waited until right before I stepped under the spray to remove everything.
    When it was all off—shirt, pants, boxers, socks—I stood there. Nothing happened. The world didn’t end. I didn’t spontaneously combust. I’d seen Tanner walk around nude countless times. It seemed the same rules of nature applied to me. I could be naked.
    I walked over to the fridge and grabbed a Snapple. I drank half of it, then screwed the lid on and put it back. My backpack sat next to the bed, so I rooted through it, found my laptop, and sat down on the bed. Turning it on and waiting for the browser to load was enough to make my heart beat faster. I typed in the website Tanner had told me about—the porn site he recommended. Before the page even loaded, I started getting hard.
    You can do this. Up popped a half-dozen windows, each with a guy jerking off, two with a helping hand. My cock took special note of the two young guys