look him straight in the eye.
“I’m supposed to be Capo! Antonio’s head-enforcer! ” I bellow.
“ Enforcer and cleaner . It’s the perfect cover… I’m done. I owed Delisi twenty-five years. It’s almost over. This is your new job. You’ll work with me over the next year. Then you’ll take over. If all goes as planned, it’ll be years before Antonio becomes Boss, and by then you’ll have been doing this for a long time. You’ll still work with Antonio, but this way, no one will suspect you. They know you’ve been selected and raised to be Antonio’s enforcer.”
“Holy fuckin’ shit! You’re serious !”
“You’ll be good at this. You’re strong, ” he tells me.
I ’ve been standing so long in one spot over the bleached water that my eyes start to burn. I’m trying to register what he’s saying. Me, the cleaner . Undercover hit-man… exterminator. My job will be to leave no trace, to wipe away everything when things go sour, to dispose of people who don’t follow the mafia code. I’ll have a dual roll someday, just to hide my identity. The secrecy of the cleaner keeps defectors and shit-stirrers loyal.
“ Trust … it’s gone. She told me that you and Antonio taught her things… and that Joey… he taught her self-defense. She’s grown up a lot in a few months. I don’t approve, but we have to let her make the decision. She hates me already. I can’t risk damaging her more,” he huffs with more emotion than I’ve ever heard from him.
“What are you saying?” I ask .
“Erin’s not cut out for this life. I kept it from the girls. It was wrong. I should’ve prepared them, taught them the ways of the underworld. It was my mistake.” Patrick beats himself up. I take it all in. “Erin’s been broken, scarred. I don’t want her to get hurt again.” He rummages around, not looking at me. “Do you love her?” he questions.
“I tried to put it aside. I stayed away, but she showed up in my class ,” I emphasize. I suck in the breath that has been choking me for almost a year. “I do… she’s all I think about.”
“I don’t think Erin knows her own feelings when it comes to you. I won’t interfere. But we have to let her find out on her own. Don’t push anything! She’s still only just about sixteen! Understand?!” he commands. His voice was business, then remorseful. Now it’s threatening.
I don’t really know what Erin thinks of me. On one hand I think she’s into me, and on the other it seems as though she sees me as a big brother or friend. She only met me officially last fall when we left for South Bend. I always knew her. I paid attention and stayed in the shadows, watching. I kept my distance. I know it’s fucked up, being attracted to someone so young, but I couldn’t help it. I still can’t.
“I don’t think you would deliberately h urt her or let her be harmed,” Patrick starts. “You’ve proven that much already.”
I nod and shift the mop again, wiping up more blood. The images of Erin, an angel in my eyes, shocked and suffering, plague me. She didn’t deserve any of it. It’s partly Patrick’s fault, and he knows it. She never learned how to pick up the pieces, how to move on.
The more time I spend with her , the harder it gets to stay platonic. All I want to do is touch her, be with her, be there for her. But Patrick is right - she has to figure out what she feels for me on her own. What will she think if she ever finds out I’m going to be a cleaner, just like her Dad?
This is fucked up.
Erin
How’s school going?
I get a text from Clarissa. She is back at school in California.
Me: Good. How’s school there?
Clarissa: Lonely without u! We miss u!
Me: I miss u guys 2.
Clarissa: Can u come visit?
A small emoticon of a pleading smiley face pops up.
Me: Hmm… That would be fun. I could get a break from my mother.
Maybe
“I’m supposed to be Capo! Antonio’s head-enforcer! ” I bellow.
“ Enforcer and cleaner . It’s the perfect cover… I’m done. I owed Delisi twenty-five years. It’s almost over. This is your new job. You’ll work with me over the next year. Then you’ll take over. If all goes as planned, it’ll be years before Antonio becomes Boss, and by then you’ll have been doing this for a long time. You’ll still work with Antonio, but this way, no one will suspect you. They know you’ve been selected and raised to be Antonio’s enforcer.”
“Holy fuckin’ shit! You’re serious !”
“You’ll be good at this. You’re strong, ” he tells me.
I ’ve been standing so long in one spot over the bleached water that my eyes start to burn. I’m trying to register what he’s saying. Me, the cleaner . Undercover hit-man… exterminator. My job will be to leave no trace, to wipe away everything when things go sour, to dispose of people who don’t follow the mafia code. I’ll have a dual roll someday, just to hide my identity. The secrecy of the cleaner keeps defectors and shit-stirrers loyal.
“ Trust … it’s gone. She told me that you and Antonio taught her things… and that Joey… he taught her self-defense. She’s grown up a lot in a few months. I don’t approve, but we have to let her make the decision. She hates me already. I can’t risk damaging her more,” he huffs with more emotion than I’ve ever heard from him.
“What are you saying?” I ask .
“Erin’s not cut out for this life. I kept it from the girls. It was wrong. I should’ve prepared them, taught them the ways of the underworld. It was my mistake.” Patrick beats himself up. I take it all in. “Erin’s been broken, scarred. I don’t want her to get hurt again.” He rummages around, not looking at me. “Do you love her?” he questions.
“I tried to put it aside. I stayed away, but she showed up in my class ,” I emphasize. I suck in the breath that has been choking me for almost a year. “I do… she’s all I think about.”
“I don’t think Erin knows her own feelings when it comes to you. I won’t interfere. But we have to let her find out on her own. Don’t push anything! She’s still only just about sixteen! Understand?!” he commands. His voice was business, then remorseful. Now it’s threatening.
I don’t really know what Erin thinks of me. On one hand I think she’s into me, and on the other it seems as though she sees me as a big brother or friend. She only met me officially last fall when we left for South Bend. I always knew her. I paid attention and stayed in the shadows, watching. I kept my distance. I know it’s fucked up, being attracted to someone so young, but I couldn’t help it. I still can’t.
“I don’t think you would deliberately h urt her or let her be harmed,” Patrick starts. “You’ve proven that much already.”
I nod and shift the mop again, wiping up more blood. The images of Erin, an angel in my eyes, shocked and suffering, plague me. She didn’t deserve any of it. It’s partly Patrick’s fault, and he knows it. She never learned how to pick up the pieces, how to move on.
The more time I spend with her , the harder it gets to stay platonic. All I want to do is touch her, be with her, be there for her. But Patrick is right - she has to figure out what she feels for me on her own. What will she think if she ever finds out I’m going to be a cleaner, just like her Dad?
This is fucked up.
Erin
How’s school going?
I get a text from Clarissa. She is back at school in California.
Me: Good. How’s school there?
Clarissa: Lonely without u! We miss u!
Me: I miss u guys 2.
Clarissa: Can u come visit?
A small emoticon of a pleading smiley face pops up.
Me: Hmm… That would be fun. I could get a break from my mother.
Maybe
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