MISS LONELYHEARTS, HELP ME, HELP ME
The Miss Lonelyhearts of The New York Post-Dispatch (Are-you-in-trouble? --Do-you-need-advice?--Write-to-Miss- Lonelyhearts -and-she-will-help-you) sat at his desk and
stared at a piece of white cardboard. On it a prayer had been printed by
Shrike, the feature editor.
"Soul of Miss L, glorify me.
Body of Miss L, nourish me
Blood of Miss L, intoxicate me.
Tears of Miss L, wash me.
Oh good Miss L, excuse my plea,
And hide me in your heart,
And defend me from mine enemies.
Help me, Miss L, help me, help me.
In saecula saeculorum . Amen."
Although the deadline was less than
a quarter of an hour away, he was still working on his leader. He had gone as
far as: "Life is worth while, for it is full of dreams and peace,
gentleness and ecstasy, and faith that burns like a clear white flame on a grim
dark altar." But he found it impossible to continue. The letters were no
longer funny. He could not go on finding the same joke funny thirty times a day
for months on end. And on most days he received more than thirty letters, all
of them alike, stamped from the dough of suffering with a heart-shaped cookie
knife.
On his desk were piled those he had
received this morning. He started through them again, searching for some clue
to a sincere answer.
Dear
Miss Lonelyhearts --
I
am in such pain I dont know what to do sometimes I
think I will kill myself my kidneys hurt so much. My husband thinks no woman
can be a good catholic and not have children irregardless of the pain. I was married honorable from our church but I never knew what
married life meant as I never was told about man and wife. My grandmother never
told me and she was the only mother I had but made a big mistake by not telling
me as it dont pay to be innocent and is only a big
disappointment. I have 7 children in 12 yrs and ever since the last 2 I have
been so sick. I was operated on twice and my husband promised no more children
on the doctors advice as he said I might die but when I got back from the
hospital he broke his promise and now I am going to have a baby and I dont think I can stand it my kidneys hurt so much. I am so
sick and scared because I cant have an abortion on
account of being a catholic and my husband so religious. I cry all the time it
hurts so much and I dont know what to do.
Yours
respectfully,
Sick-of-it-all
Miss Lonelyhearts threw the letter into an open drawer and lit a cigarette.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts --
I
am sixteen years old now and I dont know what to do
and would appreciate it if you could tell me what to do. When I was a little
girl it was not so bad because I got used to the kids on the block makeing fun of me, but now I would like to have boy friends
like the other girls and go out on Saturday nites ,
but no boy will take me because I was born without a nose--although I am a good
dancer and have a nice shape and my father buys me pretty clothes.
I
sit and look at myself all day and cry. I have a big hole in the middle of my
face that scares people even myself so I cant blame
the boys for not wanting to take me out. My mother loves me, but she crys terrible when she looks
at me.
What
did I do to deserve such a terrible bad fate? Even if I did do some bad things
I didnt do any before I was a year old and I was born
this way. I asked Papa and he says he doesnt know,
but that maybe I did something in the other world before I was born or that
maybe I was being punished for his sins. I dont believe that because he is a very nice man. Ought I commit suicide?
Sincerely
yours,
Desperate
The cigarette was imperfect and refused to draw. Miss Lonelyhearts took it out of his mouth and stared at it
furiously. He fought himself quiet, then lit another
one.
Dear
Miss Lonelyhearts --
I
am writing to you for my little sister Grade because something awfull hapened to her, and I am
afraid to tell mother about it. I am 15 years old and Gracie is 13 and we live
in Brooklyn.
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