couldn’t just stay there with her and she assumed everyone had some place to go because that’s how life is it seems in the main and I went to the peace office and instead o f typing letters for the peace boys I wrote to newspapers saying I had been hurt and it was bad and not all right and because I didn’t know sophisticated words I used the words I knew and they were very shocked to death; and the peace boys were in the office and I refused to type a letter for
one o f them because I was doing this and he read m y letter out loud to everyone in the room over m y shoulder and they all laughed at me, and I had spelled America with a “ k ” because I knew I was in K afka’s world, not Jefferson ’s, and I knew Am erika was the real country I lived in, and they laughed that I couldn’t spell it right. The peace wom an fed me sometimes and let me sleep there sometimes and she talked to me so I learned some words I could use with her but I didn’t tell her most things because I didn’t know how and she had an apartment and w asn’t conversant with how things were for me and I didn’t want to say but also I couldn’t and also there was no reason to try, because it is as it is. I’m me, not her in her apartment. Y ou always have your regular life. She’d say she could see I was tired and did I want to sleep and I’d say no and she’d insist and I never understood how she could tell but I was so tired. I had a room I always stayed in. It was small but it was warm and there were blankets and there was a door that closed and she’d be there and she didn’t let anyone come in after me. M aybe she would have let me stay there more if I had known how to say some true things about day to day but I didn’t ask anything from anyone and I never would because I couldn’t even be sure they would understand, even her. And what I told her when she made me talk to her was how once you went to jail they started sticking things up you. T hey kept putting their fingers and big parts o f their whole hand up you, up your vagina and up your rectum; they searched you inside and stayed inside you and kept touching you inside and they searched inside your mouth with their fingers and inside your ears and nose and they made you squat in front o f the guards to see i f anything fell out o f you and stand under a cold shower and make different poses and stances to see if anything fell out o f you and then they had someone w ho they said was a nurse put her hands up you again and search your vagina again and search your rectum again and I asked her w hy do you do this,
why, you don’t have to do this, and she said she was looking for heroin, and then the next day they took me to the doctors and there were two o f them and one kept pressing me all over down on my stomach and under where m y stomach is and all down near between my legs and he kept hurting me and asking me if I hurt and I said yes and every time I said yes he did it harder and I thought he was trying to find out if I was sick because he was a doctor and I was in so much pain I must be very sick like having an appendicitis all over down there but then I stopped saying anything because I saw he liked pressing harder and making it hurt more and so I didn’t answer him but I had some tears in m y eyes because he kept pressing anyway but I wouldn’t let him see them as best as it was possible to turn m y head from where he could see and they made jokes, the doctors, about having sex and having girls and then the big one who had been watching and laughing took the speculum which I didn’t know what it was because I had never seen one or had anyone do these awful things to me and it was a big, cold, metal thing and he put it in me and he kept twisting it and turning it and he kept tearing me to pieces which is literal because I was ripped up inside and the inside o f me was bruised like fists had beaten me all