Maybe Baby by Kim Golden Page B

gripped my hand. "What were you thinking?"
    " I was thinking... I don't know what I was thinking. I just knew I wanted him."
    " He must have been something if you strayed."
    " He was. He is. I can't even describe it, Eddy, he made me feel like I was alive again. But Niklas hasn't actually said anything. He's just being weird. Distant."
    " Maybe he's using one of his therapist tricks on you."
    " God, maybe."
    " So you need to figure out a plan." Eddy shook her head.
    " I know, and that's why I came to you."
    " And the guy?"
    " Mads?"
    " Yes. Is he worth the mess you're making?"
    " I don't know. Maybe he is."
    " Honey, you can't just toss away five years with Niklas for someone who might only be a maybe."
    And then she launched into a Colin analogy. I knew one was coming. It was more a rant than conversation, but I needed to hear what she had to say. And this was a marathon rant by Eddy standards. It continued until we'd closed the shop together. Its tempo increased as we walked homewards. She only paused when we ducked into Melanders Fisk for a glass of wine. At least there, she spoke in more hushed tones, since it was possible we'd bump into someone who knew both Niklas and me.
    By the time she finished her analogy, peppered with nostalgic reminiscences of what she'd lost, what she knew she might never have again, my guilt bubbled over. I blinked away the first tears burning my eyes. I excused myself quickly and retreated to the restroom. I splashed cold water on my face and tried to stop the well of tears from coming. My sobs came in heaving gasps. I hated crying, especially in public places. I was someone who cried in private, usually curled up on the sofa in my o ffice, where I could hide. But now I was in a restaurant, too close to my apartment for comfort, trying to cry away all the confusion and guilt. Yes, that awful word again, that was chafing at me.
    I tried to get my emotions under control again, but I was too far-gone. My face was burning up, my chest hurt, and my eyes prickled. Eddy came in the bathroom and took charge. She pulled me closer to the sink and turned on the cold water.
    " Put your wrists in the water stream."
    I did as she asked. Though my hands were still sha king, the cool water cut through the heat burning inside me. She took some paper towels, wet them and then squeezed out the excess water. She then laid the towels across the back of my neck and spoke softly to me. "Relax, Laney. Just listen to me."
    I nodded, letting the cool towels absorb all my anxi ety. I felt so lost, and I didn't know what to do about it. I knew I couldn't keep doing this, bouncing between Mads and Niklas, and pretending this was tenable. It wasn't fair to either of them. It wasn't even fair to me.
    " You need to end whatever it is you started with this guy. You had your taste of something new. But you know, in the end, you should be with Niklas. You need to commit to your relationship because you know—and I know this is true—you love him."
    I nodded again. "I do love him."
    " You're just confused. That's all this is."
    We stood there murmuring to one another, ignoring the other patrons who came in and disappeared into the stalls. I finally calmed down enough that I could go home. I promised Eddy I would call her the next day.
    At home, the apartment smelled and looked better. The beer smell had been replaced with the fresh scent of lavender and pine needles. I ventured further into the apartment and called out to Niklas and Jesper. There was no answer. I went into the kitchen. A Post-It note was waiting for me: "We went to Köttbaren to pick up food. Back in a bit."
    I took my loot into the bedroom, and then stripped. I was curious to see how the dress would look on me. I slipped it over my head and let the silk slither down my body. The version of me I saw in the mirror looked se nsuous and beautiful. I let my hair down. It fell in unruly waves around my shoulders. Was this how Niklas saw me? An attractive brown girl