utterly wonderful he felt inside; stirring a vague memory of disappointment at my first experience with Károly, that he didn’t fill me in the same way.
We kissed on, teeth and tongues all mashed up like the rest of us. His hair fell into my eyes and his beard burned but I loved it. We grunted and thrust like animals uncaged and set upon each other.
I knew how to angle myself so that his cock hit all the maddeningly sweet spots inside me with each vigorous stroke, oh, how it all flooded back to me, like riding a bike but thousands of times better.
This is how we did it. This is how it’s done.
We seemed to melt, just like the lotion, into each other. He pushed in, I pushed up, he went deeper, I opened wider. The faster he went, the harder I held on.
I curled a leg around his hip and shut my eyes as sparks were struck against my G-spot. This would be it. Here it came.
From the back of my bottom and the top of my abdomen and those absent knees together, all the sensations began to gather and join force. I pushed his tongue with mine, seeing his eyes when he whipped my legs, hearing him tell me he could do what he liked to me.
I came, and he broke the kiss, tilted his neck until his face was towards the sun and joined me in my ecstasy. We pulsed and rocked together, all ragged breath and astonished sighs, until the force was sapped from us and we lay spent in each other’s arms.
That was when the realisation began to creep up, through the residual tingling and the blissful white-out.
We probably shouldn’t have done that.
He put his palm against my cheek and kissed me again, very slowly and gently this time. All romantic, like. Oh, dear.
‘Darling Lu,’ he whispered, the words dusting my lips like a zephyr.
I shut my eyes, anguish tearing at me.
‘Oh, I never meant to,’ I wailed.
‘Sweetheart, hush, don’t say it. It’s done. I won’t let you regret it.’
‘Third time lucky, eh?’ I say, hating my bitter tone, then finding it was all that stood in front of a torrent of tears. Damn them! A few of them leaked through my defences and I turned my face away.
‘Don’t be like this. We’re so bloody good together. Can’t we just let things happen? Enjoy them?’
‘Like I did the last time, you mean?’
I put a fist in my mouth to keep the sob back.
‘That was years ago, Lu. And I’ve always wanted you back. Always.’
I turned to face him, too incredulous to remember to cry.
‘Oh, you liar. If you wanted me back, you would have come after me. You would at least have called me, or emailed or something. You’re a fucking chancer. Well, you got your shag out of it. Well done.’
I tried to wrench myself from his arms, but he had me fast.
‘OK, I know how it looks, but I stand by what I said. I mean it. What happened … the way it ended, I mean … is the big regret of my life.’
‘Whereas mine is meeting you.’
He lay back on the grass, his eyes screwed shut.
‘I deserve it, I know,’ he said. ‘Can’t we –’
‘Look,’ I said, regaining my sense of self-preservation and intent on making the best of this mess. ‘What’s done is done. And, yes, it was nice. Very nice. But it’s just sex, OK? That’s all. It’s been a while.’
‘Animal instincts, you’re saying?’
‘If you want to put it that way.’
‘I wouldn’t put it that way. To me, it felt much more like human passion. But if that’s the story you want to tell yourself …’
‘Shut up, Joss. Stop trying to fuck with my head. What we’re doing – it’s sexual. It’s bound to make us a bit … It’s an occupational hazard. I succumbed to it. Stupid of me, but I’m only human.’
‘Nicely rationalised,’ he said. He propped himself on an elbow, looking down at me. I didn’t meet his eye.
‘You can believe that if you like,’ he said. ‘As long as it means you don’t leave.’
Perhaps I should. Cut my losses. But I knew, not even that deep down, that I couldn’t walk away from him.
‘I
We kissed on, teeth and tongues all mashed up like the rest of us. His hair fell into my eyes and his beard burned but I loved it. We grunted and thrust like animals uncaged and set upon each other.
I knew how to angle myself so that his cock hit all the maddeningly sweet spots inside me with each vigorous stroke, oh, how it all flooded back to me, like riding a bike but thousands of times better.
This is how we did it. This is how it’s done.
We seemed to melt, just like the lotion, into each other. He pushed in, I pushed up, he went deeper, I opened wider. The faster he went, the harder I held on.
I curled a leg around his hip and shut my eyes as sparks were struck against my G-spot. This would be it. Here it came.
From the back of my bottom and the top of my abdomen and those absent knees together, all the sensations began to gather and join force. I pushed his tongue with mine, seeing his eyes when he whipped my legs, hearing him tell me he could do what he liked to me.
I came, and he broke the kiss, tilted his neck until his face was towards the sun and joined me in my ecstasy. We pulsed and rocked together, all ragged breath and astonished sighs, until the force was sapped from us and we lay spent in each other’s arms.
That was when the realisation began to creep up, through the residual tingling and the blissful white-out.
We probably shouldn’t have done that.
He put his palm against my cheek and kissed me again, very slowly and gently this time. All romantic, like. Oh, dear.
‘Darling Lu,’ he whispered, the words dusting my lips like a zephyr.
I shut my eyes, anguish tearing at me.
‘Oh, I never meant to,’ I wailed.
‘Sweetheart, hush, don’t say it. It’s done. I won’t let you regret it.’
‘Third time lucky, eh?’ I say, hating my bitter tone, then finding it was all that stood in front of a torrent of tears. Damn them! A few of them leaked through my defences and I turned my face away.
‘Don’t be like this. We’re so bloody good together. Can’t we just let things happen? Enjoy them?’
‘Like I did the last time, you mean?’
I put a fist in my mouth to keep the sob back.
‘That was years ago, Lu. And I’ve always wanted you back. Always.’
I turned to face him, too incredulous to remember to cry.
‘Oh, you liar. If you wanted me back, you would have come after me. You would at least have called me, or emailed or something. You’re a fucking chancer. Well, you got your shag out of it. Well done.’
I tried to wrench myself from his arms, but he had me fast.
‘OK, I know how it looks, but I stand by what I said. I mean it. What happened … the way it ended, I mean … is the big regret of my life.’
‘Whereas mine is meeting you.’
He lay back on the grass, his eyes screwed shut.
‘I deserve it, I know,’ he said. ‘Can’t we –’
‘Look,’ I said, regaining my sense of self-preservation and intent on making the best of this mess. ‘What’s done is done. And, yes, it was nice. Very nice. But it’s just sex, OK? That’s all. It’s been a while.’
‘Animal instincts, you’re saying?’
‘If you want to put it that way.’
‘I wouldn’t put it that way. To me, it felt much more like human passion. But if that’s the story you want to tell yourself …’
‘Shut up, Joss. Stop trying to fuck with my head. What we’re doing – it’s sexual. It’s bound to make us a bit … It’s an occupational hazard. I succumbed to it. Stupid of me, but I’m only human.’
‘Nicely rationalised,’ he said. He propped himself on an elbow, looking down at me. I didn’t meet his eye.
‘You can believe that if you like,’ he said. ‘As long as it means you don’t leave.’
Perhaps I should. Cut my losses. But I knew, not even that deep down, that I couldn’t walk away from him.
‘I
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