Marked. Part I: The missing Link by J.M. Sevilla Page A

same day I left Will. If my job hadn't been related to Will I would have stayed and not moved home.” Or maybe I would have. I'd needed to get out of Phoenix and as far away from Will as I could, plus the roommate I had drove me crazy. Her voice had reminded me of Minnie Mouse. Will didn't understand why I wouldn't move in with him. That was the cause of the argument we had when he shoved me the first time. I didn't know how to tell him I was afraid; it meant we were more committed to each other than I was ready for. It was one of many warning signs I had ignored for reasons I still can't quite explain. Why be with a man you're afraid to commit yourself to?
    “ What was your major?”
    “ Business Administration.”
    “ That's pretty generic.”
    “ I chose it for that reason. I had no idea what I wanted to do. Still don't. I only took the job Will's dad offered me because it paid good, had a good retirement and health plan...” I sigh, “Can I be honest with you?”
    “ I hope that's all you ever are.”
    “ I've always done what's expected because I have no clue what I want out of life. I went to college because that's what you do after high school. I picked a major because I couldn’t graduate without one. I got a good job because that's what you do after college,” I pause to chew on my lip. “Quitting my job was freeing, and the sickest part of leaving Will was...god this is twisted. I shouldn't even tell you,” I stop and stare out the window. I'm such a rambler I need to learn to keep my mouth shut.
    Jay reaches over and interlocks our fingers, “You won't get any judgment from me. I doubt its more twisted than me.” He gives my hand a squeeze but doesn't let go.
    I swivel so my body can face Jay and I lift my left leg up onto the middle seat, keeping his hand in both of mine. “The twisted thing is I was glad to have an excuse to leave Will. Not that I'm glad he hurt me, I just mean it gave me an out that nobody would judge me for. It's sick but I can't even tell you why I stayed with him for so long. I'm not afraid to be alone, it's just everyone loved Will – everyone but Stevie and Naomi, but I didn't find that out until after we broke up. Family and colleagues would go on and on about how perfect he was and how lucky I was to be with him. I was only with him because he was the kind of man – or so everyone thought – every girl should want to be with.
    “ That's what good girls like me do: we find hard working, handsome men, and spend the rest of our lives in suburbia. We have our two point five kids, spend Saturdays mowing the lawn or picking out appliances for our newly remodeled kitchen, and stress about things as stupid as what curtains to buy for the living room, but to be honest, it all sounds so fucking boring I want to cry.”
    “ So get an apartment and have bare windows,” Jay teases, giving my hand another squeeze.
    “ Truthfully, I'm scared to find a job because then I'm stuck living a life that everyone says I should want. I don't care about having new cars, a perfectly decorated house, or any of the other things we are expected to desire. I just don't see the point of working forty plus hours a week so I can have things I don't even want.”
    “ What do you want?”
    I sigh deeply, “That's always been a problem for me. I haven’t a clue. I've never known what I've wanted out of life. I'm envious of my friends and family; they all know exactly who they are and what they want. Even my younger brothers know. They want to be professional skateboarders, and even if it never happens at least they have a clue – I'm sorry, I ramble too much. I just feel like there's so much more to life but I can't figure out how to find it.”
    “You go searching for it.”
    “ How?”
    “ What excites you? What brings a smile to your face?”
    “ You,” I blurt out unintentionally.
    I'm relieved when he grins, “Is that it?”
    “I like shooting stuff.”
    Jay starts choking and lets go