flamer—”
Those were the terms that had come to mind, but they sounded even worse out loud than they had in my head. It should have made me ashamed, but instead it only made me angrier at him for throwing them back in my face. “Jesus Christ, Cole, I wasn’t going to say any of those things!”
“Don’t kid yourself, darling. It was all over your face.” He put one hand on his hip, cocked his other hip out, and tossed his head back. He was amping it up, turning it into a performance just for my benefit. He batted his eyelashes at me. “Does it offend you so much , darling? You never seem to mind when we’re in the bedroom.”
“Goddamn it, Cole, I’m not talking about in t he be droom ! I’m talking about when we’re out in public ! Why do you have to act like every bad stereotype Hollywood has ever dreamed up for us?”
“Why do you have to act like such an arrogant, uptight prick?” “So we’re going to resort to name calling, rather than discussing this rationally?”
81
“Oh, I’m sorry. Are we actually discussing something? You’ll have to forgive my confusion. I thought you were simply attacking me for not being a perfect carbon copy of every straight man you’ve ever wished you could fuck!”
That word, coming from him, sounded more obscene than normal. I realized I had never actually heard him swear before. “Cole, stop ! I’m not attacking you.”
“It certainly feels like you are. My mistake, darling.” “My name is not ‘darling’. It’s Jonathan . And if that’s too hard for you to remember, you can just call me Jon.”
“I can think of plenty of other things I would rather call you right at this particular moment.”
“That was my boss , for God’s sake. I have to work with him! I need him to respect me! Would it kill you tone it down a bit?”
His eyes flashed, and to my surprise, in the blink of an eye, he cut the act. It was like a curtain came down, and suddenly he there in front of me—no affectation at all. And he was livid. “Do you think you’re the first man to be embarrassed by me, Jonny-boy? Do you think you’re the first man who’s ever asked me to ‘tone it down’? Because you’re not! Better men than you have asked me to change, and I’ll tell you what I told them: go to hell!”
He turned and headed for the door, grabbing his keys off of the table as he went.
“Damn it, Cole! Wait!”
But he didn’t stop. He slammed my front door so hard that my windows rattled. I didn’t go after him.
82
Date: October 12
From: Cole
To: Jared
Good lord Sweets, if you never set me up again, it will be too soon! I honestly have no idea what you were thinking.
I
THOUGHT at first that he would call. He didn’t. I thought that when I got home from work the next night, he would be there waiting for me like always. He wasn’t.
I realized then that it was up to me.
I was torn. Part of me was still angry. I didn’t believe that I had done anything wrong. I had seen him turn the levels of his flamboyance up and down like the volume on the TV. I knew he could do it. I just didn’t understand why he was unwilling to do it when it mattered the most to me. But I also knew that I didn’t want things to end between us. I especially didn’t want them to end on such unfriendly terms. I felt certain that if I could just talk to him about it reasonably, without it turning into a shouting match, we could reach some sort of understanding.
I finally broke down and called him three days later. He picked up on the fourth ring, right before it would have gone to his voice mail. “What?” he snapped, in lieu of saying hello. Any doubts I might have had that he was still angry went right out the window. “It’s me.”
“I know.”
83
Not a good start to the conversation. I made myself count to five, then said, “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for what exactly , darling?”
“I’m sorry for—” I stumbled, trying to figure out what I
Those were the terms that had come to mind, but they sounded even worse out loud than they had in my head. It should have made me ashamed, but instead it only made me angrier at him for throwing them back in my face. “Jesus Christ, Cole, I wasn’t going to say any of those things!”
“Don’t kid yourself, darling. It was all over your face.” He put one hand on his hip, cocked his other hip out, and tossed his head back. He was amping it up, turning it into a performance just for my benefit. He batted his eyelashes at me. “Does it offend you so much , darling? You never seem to mind when we’re in the bedroom.”
“Goddamn it, Cole, I’m not talking about in t he be droom ! I’m talking about when we’re out in public ! Why do you have to act like every bad stereotype Hollywood has ever dreamed up for us?”
“Why do you have to act like such an arrogant, uptight prick?” “So we’re going to resort to name calling, rather than discussing this rationally?”
81
“Oh, I’m sorry. Are we actually discussing something? You’ll have to forgive my confusion. I thought you were simply attacking me for not being a perfect carbon copy of every straight man you’ve ever wished you could fuck!”
That word, coming from him, sounded more obscene than normal. I realized I had never actually heard him swear before. “Cole, stop ! I’m not attacking you.”
“It certainly feels like you are. My mistake, darling.” “My name is not ‘darling’. It’s Jonathan . And if that’s too hard for you to remember, you can just call me Jon.”
“I can think of plenty of other things I would rather call you right at this particular moment.”
“That was my boss , for God’s sake. I have to work with him! I need him to respect me! Would it kill you tone it down a bit?”
His eyes flashed, and to my surprise, in the blink of an eye, he cut the act. It was like a curtain came down, and suddenly he there in front of me—no affectation at all. And he was livid. “Do you think you’re the first man to be embarrassed by me, Jonny-boy? Do you think you’re the first man who’s ever asked me to ‘tone it down’? Because you’re not! Better men than you have asked me to change, and I’ll tell you what I told them: go to hell!”
He turned and headed for the door, grabbing his keys off of the table as he went.
“Damn it, Cole! Wait!”
But he didn’t stop. He slammed my front door so hard that my windows rattled. I didn’t go after him.
82
Date: October 12
From: Cole
To: Jared
Good lord Sweets, if you never set me up again, it will be too soon! I honestly have no idea what you were thinking.
I
THOUGHT at first that he would call. He didn’t. I thought that when I got home from work the next night, he would be there waiting for me like always. He wasn’t.
I realized then that it was up to me.
I was torn. Part of me was still angry. I didn’t believe that I had done anything wrong. I had seen him turn the levels of his flamboyance up and down like the volume on the TV. I knew he could do it. I just didn’t understand why he was unwilling to do it when it mattered the most to me. But I also knew that I didn’t want things to end between us. I especially didn’t want them to end on such unfriendly terms. I felt certain that if I could just talk to him about it reasonably, without it turning into a shouting match, we could reach some sort of understanding.
I finally broke down and called him three days later. He picked up on the fourth ring, right before it would have gone to his voice mail. “What?” he snapped, in lieu of saying hello. Any doubts I might have had that he was still angry went right out the window. “It’s me.”
“I know.”
83
Not a good start to the conversation. I made myself count to five, then said, “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for what exactly , darling?”
“I’m sorry for—” I stumbled, trying to figure out what I
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