Lysistrata by Fletcher Flora

Nausica had led the rebel force and was preparing a defense against them, that Cadmus should do his fair share in the approaching engagement. It was this cursed old goat beside him who had actually set up the loudest clamor about it, and now he simply would not let bad enough alone, but must continue constantly to harangue and abuse Cadmus. Cadmus was sick of it.
    “I tell you, Cadmus,” Draces said, “it is utterly intolerable that you have permitted your wife to proceed so far in this deplorable conspiracy, and if you were at all adequate as a man you would have taken steps to prevent it.”
    “Well,” said Cadmus angrily, “you are a great one to be casting aspersions on my adequacy, I must say! You were charged with the care of the Acropolis, and you have retreated like the basest cowards before a small force of women armed with sticks. And it is evident, moreover, as I have learned from comments of the others, that you personally put up the sorriest appearance of all. You needn’t think, Draces, that I am deaf and did not hear how you were frightened right out of your chiton and were chased naked among the shrines with a stout stick whacking your backside every other step.”
    “I was caught at a disadvantage in the honorable performance of my duty, that’s all. It’s very petty of you, Cadmus, to ridicule me for what has happened. At least I participated valiantly in the engagement, in spite of any slanderous comments to the contrary that you may have heard or now care to invent, and this is more than you can claim, although your responsibility is clearly the greatest of all because of Nausica.”
    “You are wrong there. I am not basically responsible at all. In fact, I am as injured in this as anybody, and a great deal more than most, and you are only exposing your ignorance, Draces, to accuse me unjustly. Lysistrata, wife of Lycon, is in truth the arch conspirator who devised this rebellion and developed it. Therefore, if there must be any guilt by association, Lycon is the one who qualifies. Unfortunately, he has run off to the war with his friend Acron, leaving me to bear the entire stigma, and I have done nothing except to marry, long ago at a time when it was impossible to anticipate the consequences, a woman excessively susceptible to foolishness.”
    “Nevertheless, Nausica has played a principal part in the desecration of our shrines, to say nothing of having thrashed me naked with a stick, and you will see that she and her terrible companions withdraw at once, or you will pay a penalty, and it may be that you will pay one anyhow.”
    “I do wish you would quit whining about your trifling beating, Draces. I have myself been beaten three times by Nausica, and I am in no frame of mind to be overly sympathetic with you.”
    “The more shame on you, Cadmus. The idea of being beaten by one’s own wife whenever the fancy strikes her! There is certainly a difference, which you will admit if you are at all fair-minded, between being thrashed in the heat of a major engagement and weakly submitting to it in one’s own home.”
    “There is no difference where Nausica is concerned, and I must warn you that I am sick of being scolded by you, Draces, and if you don’t stop, I shall pull out your beard and kick you down the hill.”
    “Careful, Cadmus! You are in trouble enough already without getting into more by striking your superior officer, which is what I am.”
    “Superior officer, indeed! In my judgment, Draces, you are not superior to anyone.”
    “You are entitled to your judgment, I suppose, but if you are sensible you will not force me to exercise my authority. Anyhow, I can’t delay our attack any longer just to convince you of what you should already know, Cadmus. Let us get on with our duty, which is to destroy these treacherous women who have expelled us from the Acropolis and seized our shrines.”
    Getting to his feet, Draces continued up the slope, the last steep climb below the crest,