Lying on the Couch by Irvin D. Yalom

tumbled noisily into new, sloppy positions. No one rose to stoke or add wood.
    Norma gamely held up the Raggedy Andy. "Pins, anyone? Safe, legal pins?"
    "Anyone know any good books on revenge?" asked Carol. "A hands-on how-to book?"
    Head shaking by Heather and Norma. "Well," Carol said, "there's a market out there. Maybe I ought to write one—with personally tested recipes."
    "That way the hit man's fee could be written off as a business expense," said Norma.
    "I once read a biography of D. H. Lawrence," said Heather, "and I vaguely remember some macabre story about his widow, Frieda, who defied his last wishes and had him cremated, then stirred his ashes into a block of cement."
    Carol nodded appreciatively. "The free spirit of Lawrence imprisoned forever in cement. Chapeau, Frieda! That's what I call revenge! Creative revenge!"
    Heather looked at her watch. "Let's get practical, Carol, there are safe and legal ways to punish Justin. What does he love? What does he care about? That's got to be our starting place."
    "Not very much," said Carol. "That's the problem with him. Oh, his comforts, his clothes—he loves his clothes. But I don't need your help in carving up his wardrobe. I've taken care of that, but I don't think it will affect him. He'll just go shopping with my money and a new lady who'll pick out a new wardrobe to her taste. I should've

    done something else with his clothes, Hke send them to his worst enemy. Problem is, he's too much of a nerd to have enemies. Or give them to the next man in my life. If there is a next man. I've saved his favorite ties. And, if he had a boss, I'd sleep with the boss and give him the ties.
    "What else does he love? Maybe his BMW. Not the kids—he's unbelievably indifferent to them. Denying him visiting privileges would be a favor, not a punishment. Naturally, I'll poison their minds against him—that goes without saying. But I don't think he'll notice. I could trump up some sex-abuse charges against him, but the children are too old to brainwash. Besides, that would make it impossible for him to take care of them and give me time off."
    "What else.^" asked Norma. "There's got to be something."
    "Not much! This is a big-time self-centered man. Oh, there's his racquetball—two, three times a week. I thought of sawing his racquets halfway through, but he keeps them in the gym. He could have met the woman in the gym, maybe one of the aerobics class leaders. And with all that exercise, he's still a pig. I think it's the beer—oh yes, he loves his beer."
    "People?" asked Norma. "There's got to be people!"
    "About fifty percent of his conversation is to sit around and complain—what's that Yiddish term you use. Norma?"
    ''Kvetchr
    "Yeah, sit around and kvetch about his lack of friends. He has no intimates, except of course the dim sum girl. She's the best bet for getting to him."
    "If she's as bad as you imagine," said Heather, "it might be best to do nothing, to let them get completely enmeshed. It'll be No Exit —they'll make their own personal hell."
    "You still don't understand. Heather. I don't just want him to be miserable: that's not revenge. / ivant him to know it's my doing.''''
    "So," said Norma, "we've established the first step: find out who she is."
    Carol nodded. "Right! And next I'll find a way to get him through her. Bite the head off and the tail will die. Heather, you got a good private eye you've used in divorce cases?"
    "Easy: Bat Thomas. He's great—he'll tail Justin and identify her in twenty-four hours."
    "And Bat's cute, too," Norma added. "Maybe offer you some sexual affirmation—no extra charge."

    6o ^ Lying on the Couch
    "Twenty-four hours?" responded Carol. "He could get the name in one hour if he were good enough to bug the couch of Justin's shrink. Justin probably talks about her all the time."
    "Justin's shrink. Justin's shrink," said Norma. "You know, it's curious how we've neglected Justin's shrink. How long did you say Justin's seen