…’
Laurence left the room abruptly, slamming the door behind him, not allowing his father a chance to apologize.
Andrew turned to me. ‘He
knows.
’
‘Don’t be silly, darling. He doesn’t know anything.’
‘But the way he looks at me … he won’t even be alone in the same room as me any more –’
I cut him off. I was determined the dead girl wasn’t going to ruin Christmas for us. ‘We are not talking about that. You should speak to Laurence. Let him know that you actually care about him.’
‘For God’s sake, Lydia, of course I care about him, but I don’t intend to smother him like you do. He’s eighteen. He’ll have moved out of the house by the end of next summer.’
‘Don’t say that. He can live here as long as he likes.’
‘Well, if I was him, I’d be gone like a shot. You indulge him like he’s a little boy. You need to let go.’
‘I would have been able to let go if you hadn’t destroyed our plan by
killing that girl.
’ I whispered it.
‘So now it’s OK to talk about it, is it? When it suits
you
? Her name was Annie.’ Andrew’s temper flared. I knew to stay quiet. He would brook no interruption in this mood. He whispered furiously, ‘You carry on as if nothing has happened, and I’m living a waking nightmare, in dread of every knock on the door. You have it all arranged. If anything happens, I go to
prison
and you and Laurence go away and live a very nice life without me. Can you imagine how a judge might be treated in prison?’
I moved the glass and decanter out of his reach because he was very angry, angry enough to smash something, but he barely noticed.
‘Have you ever loved me the way I love you? Really? I actually liked Annie. You chose her, remember? I didn’t mind that she was a plain-looking girl, because it was less ofa betrayal of you. She was different of course, but she was sweet and funny …’
I put my hands over my ears, but I could still hear him.
‘… but it was only ever you, and now I have to look at her fucking grave out the kitchen window every day! I did it all for you –’
I wanted to speak up then about the violence of his language, but he put his hand up as a warning to me.
‘And no, of course you didn’t ask me to kill her, but you kept on and on at me – “Don’t let her make fools of us”, “Get the money back from her”, “You should never have trusted her”, “Why did you believe her?” – on and on and on until the pressure was unbearable. And when Annie threatened to blackmail me, I snapped. And she was a living human being. I’m on a knife edge, Lydia, don’t you see?’
He clutched at his chest and I thought he was being overly dramatic but then he gasped for breath. I watched in horror as he tried to steady himself against the table. I reached out to stop him falling and he grabbed my hand.
‘What is it? What’s wrong?’ I said, like an idiot, because any fool could see he was having an attack of some kind. He slipped downwards, and I tried to hold him up. His eyes were open, pleading and desperate. He could no longer speak, but I could see that he was begging me to help him. I pulled at his shirt collar, but he had taken off his suit after Mass and was wearing a loose open collar and no tie. I tried to hold on to him, but he was too heavy. He fell through my arms and slumped past me, across the table, displacing the turkey carcass from its serving platter, and then he was face down across the table, his hair in the turkey grease.
I looked at the turkey, which had dropped off the end of the table and slid along the slight slope in the kitchen floor to rest at the skirting board beside the door. I had ordered a bigturkey, even though there were only three of us. Daddy had always said a small turkey looked mean, and we could make sandwiches and stews from the leftovers, and all these thoughts about the turkey and how many ways I could prepare it went through my head as my husband died, there and
Laurence left the room abruptly, slamming the door behind him, not allowing his father a chance to apologize.
Andrew turned to me. ‘He
knows.
’
‘Don’t be silly, darling. He doesn’t know anything.’
‘But the way he looks at me … he won’t even be alone in the same room as me any more –’
I cut him off. I was determined the dead girl wasn’t going to ruin Christmas for us. ‘We are not talking about that. You should speak to Laurence. Let him know that you actually care about him.’
‘For God’s sake, Lydia, of course I care about him, but I don’t intend to smother him like you do. He’s eighteen. He’ll have moved out of the house by the end of next summer.’
‘Don’t say that. He can live here as long as he likes.’
‘Well, if I was him, I’d be gone like a shot. You indulge him like he’s a little boy. You need to let go.’
‘I would have been able to let go if you hadn’t destroyed our plan by
killing that girl.
’ I whispered it.
‘So now it’s OK to talk about it, is it? When it suits
you
? Her name was Annie.’ Andrew’s temper flared. I knew to stay quiet. He would brook no interruption in this mood. He whispered furiously, ‘You carry on as if nothing has happened, and I’m living a waking nightmare, in dread of every knock on the door. You have it all arranged. If anything happens, I go to
prison
and you and Laurence go away and live a very nice life without me. Can you imagine how a judge might be treated in prison?’
I moved the glass and decanter out of his reach because he was very angry, angry enough to smash something, but he barely noticed.
‘Have you ever loved me the way I love you? Really? I actually liked Annie. You chose her, remember? I didn’t mind that she was a plain-looking girl, because it was less ofa betrayal of you. She was different of course, but she was sweet and funny …’
I put my hands over my ears, but I could still hear him.
‘… but it was only ever you, and now I have to look at her fucking grave out the kitchen window every day! I did it all for you –’
I wanted to speak up then about the violence of his language, but he put his hand up as a warning to me.
‘And no, of course you didn’t ask me to kill her, but you kept on and on at me – “Don’t let her make fools of us”, “Get the money back from her”, “You should never have trusted her”, “Why did you believe her?” – on and on and on until the pressure was unbearable. And when Annie threatened to blackmail me, I snapped. And she was a living human being. I’m on a knife edge, Lydia, don’t you see?’
He clutched at his chest and I thought he was being overly dramatic but then he gasped for breath. I watched in horror as he tried to steady himself against the table. I reached out to stop him falling and he grabbed my hand.
‘What is it? What’s wrong?’ I said, like an idiot, because any fool could see he was having an attack of some kind. He slipped downwards, and I tried to hold him up. His eyes were open, pleading and desperate. He could no longer speak, but I could see that he was begging me to help him. I pulled at his shirt collar, but he had taken off his suit after Mass and was wearing a loose open collar and no tie. I tried to hold on to him, but he was too heavy. He fell through my arms and slumped past me, across the table, displacing the turkey carcass from its serving platter, and then he was face down across the table, his hair in the turkey grease.
I looked at the turkey, which had dropped off the end of the table and slid along the slight slope in the kitchen floor to rest at the skirting board beside the door. I had ordered a bigturkey, even though there were only three of us. Daddy had always said a small turkey looked mean, and we could make sandwiches and stews from the leftovers, and all these thoughts about the turkey and how many ways I could prepare it went through my head as my husband died, there and
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