Lush in Lace by A.J. Ridges Page A

me,” I bit back a little
too aggressively. “He’s my nemesis, and he’s straight,
remember?”
    “I don’t know too many straight guys who
spend the night with a naked, gay man in their bed,” Jamie
offered.
    Duh ! I wanted to shout to the heavens,
but it was no use.
    “He was experimenting.” My voice cracked with
emotion when I spoke, and I had to look away from my brother’s
knowing stare.
    “Shit. He actually said that?” Jamie asked
shocked.
    I shrugged. In fact, those were my words, but
Scott hadn’t disputed them, so I didn’t bother clarifying the point
for Jamie.
    “I’m so sorry, Ry.”
    My older brother’s pity was my undoing.
    “I didn’t want this. I’m too fucking smart to
become this,” I whined.
    “What are you talking about?” he asked
frowning.
    I swiped at the tears that I could no longer
hold back. “You know how people always say that if you try hard
enough, anything’s possible? Well, that’s bullshit, Jamie. They’re
liars all of them. Because the only thing I’ve ever wanted, I can’t
have. Do you know what it feels like to know that no matter how
hard you try and no matter what you do or say or even become,
you’ll never have the one thing you truly want?”
    “Jesus, Ry,” he hissed sympathetically.
    “You know what hurts the most?”
    “Giving up,” I continued, not waiting for his
answer. “I didn’t realize how long I’d foolishly held on to the
hope that Scott would miraculously change. He won’t and where does
that leave me?” I asked again rhetorically. “I made a promise to
myself that I’d never become one of those foolish, lonely old gay
men, pining away for that one straight man, who will never be able
to love them back. I can’t be that person, Jay. I won’t, even if it
means losing the best part of my life.”
    Jamie cursed foully under his breath. “How
long have you been in love with him?” he asked, covering my hand
with his own on the couch cushion.
    I stared out the large bay window across from
me, fixated on nothing at all. The sun was shining. The buds on the
trees had begun to bloom. The birds were loud enough that I could
hear them chirping through the closed window, and yet the only
color I could see was gray, and the only sound I could hear was my
heart breaking. Jamie wanted to know how long I’d been in love with
Scott Lush, and my answer would likely shock him. However, there
was no point denying my feelings any longer. I chuckled, thinking
how funny it was that just when I was ready to admit how I felt
about Scott, I was going to have to let him go.
    “As long as I can remember. Pathetic, isn’t
it?” I chuckled again, humorlessly.
    Jamie squeezed my hand tightly in his.
“Nothing’s pathetic about love, Ry. We can’t help who we love, we
don’t get to choose, our heart chooses for us. I know you may not
want to hear this now, but I think you’re making a mistake by
giving up so easily. I don’t want you to pine away for something
that will never be, but I don’t want you to give up on a chance at
love either. No matter what Scott said this morning, I know he was
lying. If he wanted to experiment sexually with a man, he would
have chosen someone else. It was you he wanted Rylan.”
    I couldn’t allow Jamie’s words in right now.
It hurt too much to hope. “It doesn’t matter. I can’t do half
measures, Jamie. Not even for him.”
    The two of us sat in silence for a while, our
hands touching. It was comforting to know I had my brother’s
unconditional love and support.
    “Sometimes love’s worth going out on a limb
for,” Jamie added after several long moments.
    “And sometimes you’re too old to climb
trees,” I replied with finality. I stood and headed toward the
door. “Don’t worry, things between Scott and I won’t be any
different than they’ve always been, at least on the outside,” I
offered.
    “Except that you’ll never be able to forget
what it was like to be with him,” Jamie