quickly making me look like the fool, even though he had been the one to act like a jackass in the first place. Something I knew now, he would never admit to.
Disappointed in the way everything had played out and feeling let down by a person I had grown so dependent on over the years, I turned my back to him and slowly climbed the stairs up to my room, leaving Noah standing in the middle of the living room alongside my shopping bags where I had dropped them.
Noah watched as I disappeared in the curve of the stairway. He stared at the stairs intently for a long time without moving or saying a word. Then, when he had won the fight within that had kept him from following me, he slowly walked over to the door, stepping over my bags in the process. Noah pulled a jacket from the coat hanger and grabbed his keys off of the hook before he opened the door and walked out; slamming it shut behind him loudly to be sure I would know that he had left.
I flinched at the sound the door made when it hit the doorframe. Feeling foolish enough as it was, I denied my instinct to run to the window and watch him leave. Somehow, the idea of being pummeled by his rejection twice in one night didn’t seem too appealing. By the time I had reached my room, the anger I had felt towards Noah had shifted, and I was now busy scolding myself for acting just like such a complete ass. Really, what had I thought was going to happen? Even if I had gotten Noah to admit that he had said he loved me, had I really planned to pursue that any further? This was Noah, after all. Commitment phobic- disrespecting women – male slut – Noah, and there would never be any future for me and him. It had been stupid of me to allow myself to think otherwise. Nevertheless, I had to admit, that for that split second, it almost sounded like a good idea. Like maybe all these years that I’d been single, my happily ever had just been sitting here right under my nose. And maybe, I just hadn’t been willing to see it because I was too afraid of getting hurt again the way that I had been before. Though really, I knew that it was that same fear that was the real reason I had never allowed myself to see Noah as anything more than a friend. Falling in love with a guy like him, I couldn’t imagine anything more terrifying than that when it came to my heart. And yet, a part of me had begun to wonder if maybe falling for him hadn’t been as scary as admitting it would be…
After an hour of stewing in my room by myself I succumbed to the loud growling coming from my stomach and went back downstairs in search of some sort of nourishment. However, it didn’t take me very long to realize that nobody had been to the store in a really long time and therefore what was left in the fridge could hardly be considered edible. I reverted back to my original plan and pulled out the take-out menus. Although my hunger had seemingly multiplied at the sight of all of those menus, I managed to settle on just Chinese versus the pizza, tacos and eggroll combo I had initially considered. I quickly made the call and then anxiously waited by the door for the bell to ring, announcing that my dinner had arrived at last.
As the night went on, the house remained empty while I gorged myself on Lo Mein and orange chicken and watched repeat episodes of The Golden Girls. By the end of the night, I was convinced that I would not only end up like Dorothy, but that I would probably do so intentionally. Sometime after midnight, I finally turned off the TV and climbed the stairs up to my room where I settled down into my bed to engage in further adventures with Dorothy and the girls. Time passed, and rather than get sleepy I remained alert and wired, unable to close my eyes or rest my thoughts. Since I had vowed not to waste even one iota of energy worrying anymore about Noah and whether or not things would go back to normal between the two of us, I was grateful for the marathon Lifetime was airing of my girls in
Disappointed in the way everything had played out and feeling let down by a person I had grown so dependent on over the years, I turned my back to him and slowly climbed the stairs up to my room, leaving Noah standing in the middle of the living room alongside my shopping bags where I had dropped them.
Noah watched as I disappeared in the curve of the stairway. He stared at the stairs intently for a long time without moving or saying a word. Then, when he had won the fight within that had kept him from following me, he slowly walked over to the door, stepping over my bags in the process. Noah pulled a jacket from the coat hanger and grabbed his keys off of the hook before he opened the door and walked out; slamming it shut behind him loudly to be sure I would know that he had left.
I flinched at the sound the door made when it hit the doorframe. Feeling foolish enough as it was, I denied my instinct to run to the window and watch him leave. Somehow, the idea of being pummeled by his rejection twice in one night didn’t seem too appealing. By the time I had reached my room, the anger I had felt towards Noah had shifted, and I was now busy scolding myself for acting just like such a complete ass. Really, what had I thought was going to happen? Even if I had gotten Noah to admit that he had said he loved me, had I really planned to pursue that any further? This was Noah, after all. Commitment phobic- disrespecting women – male slut – Noah, and there would never be any future for me and him. It had been stupid of me to allow myself to think otherwise. Nevertheless, I had to admit, that for that split second, it almost sounded like a good idea. Like maybe all these years that I’d been single, my happily ever had just been sitting here right under my nose. And maybe, I just hadn’t been willing to see it because I was too afraid of getting hurt again the way that I had been before. Though really, I knew that it was that same fear that was the real reason I had never allowed myself to see Noah as anything more than a friend. Falling in love with a guy like him, I couldn’t imagine anything more terrifying than that when it came to my heart. And yet, a part of me had begun to wonder if maybe falling for him hadn’t been as scary as admitting it would be…
After an hour of stewing in my room by myself I succumbed to the loud growling coming from my stomach and went back downstairs in search of some sort of nourishment. However, it didn’t take me very long to realize that nobody had been to the store in a really long time and therefore what was left in the fridge could hardly be considered edible. I reverted back to my original plan and pulled out the take-out menus. Although my hunger had seemingly multiplied at the sight of all of those menus, I managed to settle on just Chinese versus the pizza, tacos and eggroll combo I had initially considered. I quickly made the call and then anxiously waited by the door for the bell to ring, announcing that my dinner had arrived at last.
As the night went on, the house remained empty while I gorged myself on Lo Mein and orange chicken and watched repeat episodes of The Golden Girls. By the end of the night, I was convinced that I would not only end up like Dorothy, but that I would probably do so intentionally. Sometime after midnight, I finally turned off the TV and climbed the stairs up to my room where I settled down into my bed to engage in further adventures with Dorothy and the girls. Time passed, and rather than get sleepy I remained alert and wired, unable to close my eyes or rest my thoughts. Since I had vowed not to waste even one iota of energy worrying anymore about Noah and whether or not things would go back to normal between the two of us, I was grateful for the marathon Lifetime was airing of my girls in
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