Love Virtually

Love Virtually by Daniel Glattauer Page B

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Authors: Daniel Glattauer
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make the mistake of meeting you. Her exact words were, “A meeting would be the end of your relationship. And this relationship is doing you a world of good!”
    Bye,
    Leo
    Two hours later
    Re: Mia!
    O.K. Leo, our meeting can wait, I’m reconciled to that. You’ll make a patient woman of me yet! I’m delighted your sister has been thinking about us. But how can she be so sure that our “relationship” would be over if we met? And who does she think would end it: you or me?
    One other thing: in your email yesterday evening you referred to me as “happily married.” Why did you put “happily married” in quotation marks? That makes me think you wanted to make some kind of rhetorical remark, with a tiny tinge of facetiousness to it. Do you know what I mean?
    Now back to Mia, you’ve misunderstood me entirely there. She’s not just some kind of eye-catching beauty from a fashion mag. Mia is a really lovely woman, and she’s slipped into being single without wanting to. A typical case of relationship mismanagement in her younger years. When she was nineteen she met a man, an Adonis on the outside, a bundle of testosterone, a real sex machine. But on the inside he was empty, especially in the brains department. Two terrible years of waiting and hoping, and then finally he opened his mouth and the magic was gone. So she’s twenty-one and immediately meets another muscle-bound hunk. And she thinks: There’s got to be more to this one. But there isn’t, so on to the next. This develops into a classic female pattern: she thinks she needs the same kind of guy each time, to correct the “mistakes” made the first time around. But with each subsequent mistake she’s drawn ever more strongly to the same type.
    Mia’s men all looked identical, and not one of them was able to compensate for the shortcomings of his predecessor. On the contrary, each succeeded in reiterating that his predecessor was just as hollow as he was himself. For two years she’s been far too exhausted and unmotivated to meet new men. She never makes any approaches. Recently she said to me that if I ever met anyone nice, I should feel free to introduce her. But she doesn’t want to have to make too much effort. If it doesn’t happen of its own accord, then it won’t happen at all. That’s Mia for you. I’m telling you, Leo, you’ll really like her.
    An hour and a half later
    Re: Mia!
    Dear Emmi,
    I’ll deal with your opening questions first:
    1) My sister didn’t specify which of the two of us would be the first to end our “relationship” (is it O.K. to put relationship in quotation marks?) after a meeting. She was probably thinking that our written exchanges would be incompatible with face-to-face conversation, and that would soon end the whole thing.
    2) It’s astonishing how much you pick up on! I didn’t put “happily married” in quotation marks consciously. Maybe the software does it automatically. No, in all seriousness, the expression is yours and I was quoting it, because I always feel that “happily married” is a subjective notion. I doubt, for example, that what I understand by “happily married” is the same as how you or your husband perceive it. In any case it really isn’t important, is it? It was never meant to be facetious, and in future I’ll leave out the quotation marks, O.K.?
    And now to your friend Mia. Next time you see her, by all means say you know a man who has also tried repeatedly to correct the “mistakes” from the first time, except that he only needs, or rather needed, one woman to do so. A man who’s just as exhausted and unmotivated to meet new people. A man who’s also stopped making any kind of advance toward women, who doesn’t want to have to make too much effort. Everything’s got to come to him, and if it doesn’t then it’s not going

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