milk. ‘That’s just not true! You have no idea how much he does for human rights!’
‘Hey, showing up once at a charity ball for Amnesty International doesn’t make him a human rights lawyer.’
‘You’re talking about the man I love!’
‘Well, you clearly have a lot in common because
he’s
in love with himself too,’ Jane added, stubbornly.
It was now Anthea’s turn to look at her little sister with thin-lipped disapproval. ‘You’re just jealous, Jane. Ever since we were teenagers, you’ve had enough chips on your shoulder to open a casino. Can’t you be happy for me?’
‘Gee, I don’t know, sis. It’s just that seeing two such perfect people rapt in mutual adoration makes me feel something very powerful … the urge to vomit! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a husband to hunt.’
Anthea placed one hand on her sister’s arm to soothe her. ‘Jane, you can’t just move to the other side of the world, on a whim. What about your music students? Your friends? What about your teaching job?’ she asked, amazed.
‘Yeah … my life’s so busy, what with the sale at Primark and the dishwasher filter needing changing,’ she answered mockingly. ‘Lying in bed alone every night, I constantly remind myself that I am only one husband short of a very happy marriage!’
‘But, Jane, seriously. You can’t just hunt down a husband. It’s not like shopping for a pair of shoes! Even Cinderella had to wait for the right glass slipper to come along.’
‘You know, taking lessons in love from you is like taking ballroom dancing tips from a dinosaur. I’m going to Australia and that’s all there is to it,’ Jane declared in the tone of a stubborn toddler. ‘And my flight is in …’ she checked her watch ‘… five hours. I’m selling my car on the way. There’s a used car lot near Heathrow.’
‘Oh my God. You really are serious about this!’ Anthea seized her sister’s other arm and held it tight. ‘You can’t go. The truth about finding a man in the Outback is that, yes, the odds may be good – but the goods will be odd. Can’t you imagine how rough and tough those miners are?’
‘How the hell would you know, Anthea? It’s not as though you’ve ever been out there!’ Jane yanked her arm free. ‘You’re just judging the place on appearances, as usual. At least there are blokes out there – and any bloke is better than no bloke,’ she sighed. ‘That little bit of plastic between the legs of a Barbie doll? That will be me. It will heal over.’
‘Do you have any idea what kind of men live in the Outback? Criminals and misfits.’ Anthea barred her sister’s way to the driver’s door by standing in front of it. ‘People go missing out there, you know? Backpackers are murdered. In fact, I’m going to contact Extreme Sports Enthusiasts. They really should include “husband hunting in the Outback” as the ultimate risk-taking thrill.’
‘You’re not listening to me, Anthea! I’m sick of standing by the dips at parties, playing “Spot the Heterosexual”.’ Jane frowned deeply. ‘If a single, hetero male does wander into our midst, he’s immediately stripped down and sold off for parts. My girlfriends and I squabble over any man who still has his own teeth!’ Her voice buzzed with rage, like a wasp in a jar. ‘I’ve done everything but wear beer-flavoured lipgloss. And still nothing! For years now not one man has tried to kiss me!’ She pushed past her sister and reached for the car door. ‘And it’s not like I’m asking for much. Just a man who can find my G-spot without a map and compass.’
‘Well, when your Outback psychopath
does
kill you, just make sure you leave your brain to medical science. It’s obviously never been used.’
‘It’s all right for you!’ Jane snapped, shrilly. ‘I’m tired of opening my own honey jars. And pretending to know what to do with a socket set.’ Tears ran down her cheeks. ‘You’ve never even had to change your
‘Hey, showing up once at a charity ball for Amnesty International doesn’t make him a human rights lawyer.’
‘You’re talking about the man I love!’
‘Well, you clearly have a lot in common because
he’s
in love with himself too,’ Jane added, stubbornly.
It was now Anthea’s turn to look at her little sister with thin-lipped disapproval. ‘You’re just jealous, Jane. Ever since we were teenagers, you’ve had enough chips on your shoulder to open a casino. Can’t you be happy for me?’
‘Gee, I don’t know, sis. It’s just that seeing two such perfect people rapt in mutual adoration makes me feel something very powerful … the urge to vomit! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a husband to hunt.’
Anthea placed one hand on her sister’s arm to soothe her. ‘Jane, you can’t just move to the other side of the world, on a whim. What about your music students? Your friends? What about your teaching job?’ she asked, amazed.
‘Yeah … my life’s so busy, what with the sale at Primark and the dishwasher filter needing changing,’ she answered mockingly. ‘Lying in bed alone every night, I constantly remind myself that I am only one husband short of a very happy marriage!’
‘But, Jane, seriously. You can’t just hunt down a husband. It’s not like shopping for a pair of shoes! Even Cinderella had to wait for the right glass slipper to come along.’
‘You know, taking lessons in love from you is like taking ballroom dancing tips from a dinosaur. I’m going to Australia and that’s all there is to it,’ Jane declared in the tone of a stubborn toddler. ‘And my flight is in …’ she checked her watch ‘… five hours. I’m selling my car on the way. There’s a used car lot near Heathrow.’
‘Oh my God. You really are serious about this!’ Anthea seized her sister’s other arm and held it tight. ‘You can’t go. The truth about finding a man in the Outback is that, yes, the odds may be good – but the goods will be odd. Can’t you imagine how rough and tough those miners are?’
‘How the hell would you know, Anthea? It’s not as though you’ve ever been out there!’ Jane yanked her arm free. ‘You’re just judging the place on appearances, as usual. At least there are blokes out there – and any bloke is better than no bloke,’ she sighed. ‘That little bit of plastic between the legs of a Barbie doll? That will be me. It will heal over.’
‘Do you have any idea what kind of men live in the Outback? Criminals and misfits.’ Anthea barred her sister’s way to the driver’s door by standing in front of it. ‘People go missing out there, you know? Backpackers are murdered. In fact, I’m going to contact Extreme Sports Enthusiasts. They really should include “husband hunting in the Outback” as the ultimate risk-taking thrill.’
‘You’re not listening to me, Anthea! I’m sick of standing by the dips at parties, playing “Spot the Heterosexual”.’ Jane frowned deeply. ‘If a single, hetero male does wander into our midst, he’s immediately stripped down and sold off for parts. My girlfriends and I squabble over any man who still has his own teeth!’ Her voice buzzed with rage, like a wasp in a jar. ‘I’ve done everything but wear beer-flavoured lipgloss. And still nothing! For years now not one man has tried to kiss me!’ She pushed past her sister and reached for the car door. ‘And it’s not like I’m asking for much. Just a man who can find my G-spot without a map and compass.’
‘Well, when your Outback psychopath
does
kill you, just make sure you leave your brain to medical science. It’s obviously never been used.’
‘It’s all right for you!’ Jane snapped, shrilly. ‘I’m tired of opening my own honey jars. And pretending to know what to do with a socket set.’ Tears ran down her cheeks. ‘You’ve never even had to change your
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