chapters 6 and 7, we will be looking at three general areas of concern held by husbands and wives who would like to stop the Crazy Cycle but still have a few reservations. The first concern is one we hear a lot in our conferences: the wife fears that unconditionally respecting her husband will guarantee that she will wind up being a doormat.
NOT A DOORMAT BUT A WOMAN WITH POWER
As I encourage some wives to use unconditional respect, I can tell they suspect that I am a chauvinist in sheep’s clothing trying to set them up for a life of subservience. I remind such a wife to be patient. I’m trying to help her get her husband to love her more, not run roughshod over her.
When I talk about respecting your husband, I do not mean being a doormat. I do not mean burying your brains, never showing your leadership ability, or never disagreeing in the slightest way. I do not mean that he is superior and you are inferior in some way. Nor do I want you to ignore your hurts and vulnerabilities.
Despite my assurances, some wives fear that taking a respectful attitude during a conflict with their husbands will render them powerless. These women do not believe a husband will change into a loving man unless he is awakened to his flaws. And the only way he will awaken to his inadequacies and faults is to hear his wife’s grumblings, corrections, and contempt. One wife confessed, “I would listen in on phone conversations (or conversations in a group of people) to ‘correct’ any misstatements he might make.”
Another wife admitted “mothering” her husband. “As mothers, it is built into us to be instructors—that’s a major part of motherhood. But it is extremely difficult to differentiate our roles between mother and wife. For instance, when baby comes along, Dad seems at a loss as to what to do and we ‘instruct’ Dad. Over time, we start instructing in many areas.”
Wives, “do what is right and do not give way to fear”(1 Peter 3:6 NIV).
The typical wife knows instinctively that correcting and mothering her husband are not good ways to approach him, but what else can she do? If she keeps winning battles this way, it could help her win the war of changing him into the kind of man she feels he ought to be. She keeps on using negativity because she feels empowered by it. She thinks it gets through to him. She knows being nice doesn’t get through to him because he just seems to ignore that. Her disrespect gets his attention and she seems to win the skirmishes, which are usually about the same problems: being late, working too much, poor parenting, insensitivity, etc. But none of these problems is the root of the issue. Lack of love and respect is at the heart of it all. (To evaluate your approach to your spouse, see appendix B, p. 309.)
As John Gottman observes, “The major goal is to break the cycle of negativity.” 1 One wife confessed, “Most people would label me ‘one of the happiest, most positive people I know,’ but then something happens behind closed doors. I can yell and scream and rant on about little issues forever.”
Unfortunately, the wife who feels empowered by negativity isn’t even aware she needs to break that cycle. But she may sense that her criticisms don’t motivate him to be more loving, so she tries to apologize after an argument or a conflict. He may accept her apology because he knows she is a goodwilled woman who feels badly. But as the Crazy Cycle spins again the next month (or week) and then continues in a distinct pattern, he begins to believe that she has contempt for him as a human being—that she secretly despises him.
Because he is confused, he doesn’t ask the question, “Don’t you respect me?” for fear she’ll say, “No, I don’t.” That frightens him so he avoids it. As a result, she gets locked into disrespect as a way of communicating her irritation and goading him to change. But over the course of the marriage, something slowly dies between them. She wins
NOT A DOORMAT BUT A WOMAN WITH POWER
As I encourage some wives to use unconditional respect, I can tell they suspect that I am a chauvinist in sheep’s clothing trying to set them up for a life of subservience. I remind such a wife to be patient. I’m trying to help her get her husband to love her more, not run roughshod over her.
When I talk about respecting your husband, I do not mean being a doormat. I do not mean burying your brains, never showing your leadership ability, or never disagreeing in the slightest way. I do not mean that he is superior and you are inferior in some way. Nor do I want you to ignore your hurts and vulnerabilities.
Despite my assurances, some wives fear that taking a respectful attitude during a conflict with their husbands will render them powerless. These women do not believe a husband will change into a loving man unless he is awakened to his flaws. And the only way he will awaken to his inadequacies and faults is to hear his wife’s grumblings, corrections, and contempt. One wife confessed, “I would listen in on phone conversations (or conversations in a group of people) to ‘correct’ any misstatements he might make.”
Another wife admitted “mothering” her husband. “As mothers, it is built into us to be instructors—that’s a major part of motherhood. But it is extremely difficult to differentiate our roles between mother and wife. For instance, when baby comes along, Dad seems at a loss as to what to do and we ‘instruct’ Dad. Over time, we start instructing in many areas.”
Wives, “do what is right and do not give way to fear”(1 Peter 3:6 NIV).
The typical wife knows instinctively that correcting and mothering her husband are not good ways to approach him, but what else can she do? If she keeps winning battles this way, it could help her win the war of changing him into the kind of man she feels he ought to be. She keeps on using negativity because she feels empowered by it. She thinks it gets through to him. She knows being nice doesn’t get through to him because he just seems to ignore that. Her disrespect gets his attention and she seems to win the skirmishes, which are usually about the same problems: being late, working too much, poor parenting, insensitivity, etc. But none of these problems is the root of the issue. Lack of love and respect is at the heart of it all. (To evaluate your approach to your spouse, see appendix B, p. 309.)
As John Gottman observes, “The major goal is to break the cycle of negativity.” 1 One wife confessed, “Most people would label me ‘one of the happiest, most positive people I know,’ but then something happens behind closed doors. I can yell and scream and rant on about little issues forever.”
Unfortunately, the wife who feels empowered by negativity isn’t even aware she needs to break that cycle. But she may sense that her criticisms don’t motivate him to be more loving, so she tries to apologize after an argument or a conflict. He may accept her apology because he knows she is a goodwilled woman who feels badly. But as the Crazy Cycle spins again the next month (or week) and then continues in a distinct pattern, he begins to believe that she has contempt for him as a human being—that she secretly despises him.
Because he is confused, he doesn’t ask the question, “Don’t you respect me?” for fear she’ll say, “No, I don’t.” That frightens him so he avoids it. As a result, she gets locked into disrespect as a way of communicating her irritation and goading him to change. But over the course of the marriage, something slowly dies between them. She wins
Similar Books
