Love and Lists (Chocoholics) by Tara Sivec Page B

you make sweet, sweet love to your beautiful goddess?” Tyler asks, folding his hands under his chin and batting his eye lashes at me.
    “No, we didn’t get that far. I did rip her thong, though,” I tell him sheepishly.
    “BOOM! That JUST happened! Maybe you really do have a penis hiding between your legs after all.”
    Before I can call Tyler a My Little Pony-fucking freak, he puts his phone up to his mouth and speaks into it.
    “Siri, where is the closest Victoria’s Secret?”
    “I do not understand the question, Hot Lover Boy Big Penis Man Titty Tickler.”
    Listening to Siri spout off the name Tyler makes her call him, I roll my eyes and shake my head.
    “Don’t judge me. Siri speaks the truth,” Tyler says distractedly as he presses the speaker button and talks into his phone once again. “Siri, my friend needs to buy some thongs for a chick he almost banged. Where the fuck is Victoria’s Secret?”
    “I do not appreciate your tone of voice, Hot Lover Boy Big Penis Man Titty Tickler.”
    Tyler curses at his phone.
    “Why exactly do we need to go to Victoria’s Secret for thongs?” I question.
    “Um, hello? Item number seven on the list. Buy that bitch some lingerie.”
    Damn, I forgot about that one. Come to think of it, I’m surprised I even know my name after what happened last night with Charlotte. I don’t even need to close my eyes to remember what it felt like to have her small, warm hand wrapped around me. Things escalated quickly between us in my kitchen, and I hope to God she doesn’t have any regrets because I want a repeat performance as soon as possible. One where I actually last more than a few seconds. I have no idea what any of this means. Is she going to break up with Rocco now? Was last night a fluke because she was a little buzzed and it will never happen again? Why the fuck can’t vaginas come with instruction manuals?
    “Siri, you are a worthless piece of shit,” Tyler complains.
    “I could say the same about you.”
    “You fucking whore! Take a note, Siri. Go fuck your mother.”
    “This note has been recorded and added to your Notepad.”
    “FUCK YOU!”
    “I do not understand your request, but I could search the web for ‘fuck you.’”
    “How about you search the web for why you’re such a cunt cake?”
    “I don’t think you appreciate me anymore, Hot Lover Boy Big Penis Man Titty Tickler.” 

    “I’m sorry, Siri. I still love you.”
    “Impossible.”
    “PIPE THE FUCK DOWN AND TAKE A COMPLIMENT, YOU WHORE FACE BAG OF DICKS!”
    Tyler tosses his cell in the center console and crosses his arms angrily in front of him.
    “You seriously need a girlfriend. The relationship you have with Siri is disturbing,” I tell him as we pull into the hospital parking lot.
    “She’s a bitch, but she’s the only woman who understands me. And anyway, do you know any single women who would call me Hot Lover Boy Big Penis Man Titty Tickler?” he questions.
    “I don’t know any single women who could even just think that in their heads without throwing up in their mouths a little,” I reply as I find a parking spot.
    “Exactly. So, anyway, I’m going to guess your mom never told your dad about the whole ‘shroom chocolate incident since I haven’t heard about any hits out on me.” 

    “You’re lucky my dad never found out. Your body would be buried in a ditch somewhere.”
    “Aww, I think Carter would take it easy on me. That’s the best trip he’s ever had. You’re mom probably got laid in the hospital,” Tyler says with a frustrated groan. “I knew I should have stuck around longer. She probably would have thrown me a bone.”
    “In what universe would my mother ever throw you a bone?”
    “In Tylerverse. Where there are rivers of beer and naked chicks servicing me all over the land,” Tyler replies.
     
     

     
     
    “I’m going upstairs to take a nap. I still don’t feel all that great,” my dad tells us as we walk into my parents’ house