Louise Rennison_Georgia Nicolson 07 by Startled by His Furry Shorts

disgusting. I went out into the hall to find Libby in her new knitted ear warmers. She had them over her eyes and was saying, “Naaaice and warmy.”
    Doorbell rang.
    Mum said, “Gee, get that, will you. Your dad thinks his back has gone again.”
    Typico.
    I went to the door.
    It was Uncle Eddie.
    Oh the fun times just go on and on. His head was glinting in the moonlight and he was dressed from top to toe in leatherette, a lovely look for a boiled egg. He scruffled my hair and said, “Never eat anything bigger than your head.”
    And lurched into the front room to join the other loons.
    in the kitchen
    Mutti has just been in to get some vino tinto for the elderly loons. She is still wearing her crochet top. I tutted at her and she gave me a kiss on the cheek.
    Huh.
    one minute later
    Miracle of miracles, there is something to eat! Macaroni chiz. Yum yum. Bonkerosity gives me an appetite. I was scarfing it down when I heard the “music” begin.
    They are all laughing and cackling in the front room. I know this mood, the next thing it will be…yes, I was right, “Dancing Queen” by Abba.
    Why are they so cheerful? Give them a gaily colored plastic bag and they’d be beside themselves with happiness. I wonder if I am adopted. I am so different from them.
    Vati yelled out, “Georgia, snacks!”
    Of course I’m not adopted. Vati is far too lazy to bother with the paperwork.
    I was just going to go up to my room when Vati said, “Gee, if you bring snacks I will consider giving you a couple of squids.”
    three minutes later
    When I came back into the front room with the crisps, I was not amazed to see the horrific sight of Mum sitting on Dad’s lap. Wearing her prostitute’s crochet top in front of Uncle Eddie. Uncle Eddie was resting his wineglass on his tummy andsaying, “I was in the curry shop and the waitress came over, to ask me how the biriyani was. I was eating my curry and she was practically resting her boobs on my shoulder.”
    I said, “Oh God, you said boobs, that is soooo disgusting.”
    Uncle Eddie said, “I only said boobs out of respect for your mother, normally I say tits.”
    I went up to my room. I feel physically sick.
    8:30 p.m.
    What kind of people have an impromptu mid-week vicars-and-tarts party? To celebrate the fact that Dad and his mates who play football lost by only ten goals at their last match?
    My parents, that is who.
    Vati burst into my room like a red-faced loon in a dog collar and black tights. Sadly he does in fact look quite a lot like Call-Me-Arnold. He was quickly followed by Uncle Eddie, also in black tights and T-shirt. He has drawn a fringe with eye pencil all round his bald head like a mad monk. Good grief.
    Uncle Eddie said, “Here’s a joke to cheer you up, Gee.”
    I said, “Father, Uncle Eddie, if you could just goaway forever and be mad somewhere else, that would be lovely. Thank you.”
    But he just went madly on.
    â€œAnyway, this bloke goes up to this house and he is dragging a box behind him. And he says…and he says…”
    And then he started laughing and choking so much, I thought I might have to do the Heimlich maneuver, which actually I am in the mood for. Grabbing and shaking someone from behind might get rid of a lot of nervy spazmodosity. Sadly he recovered himself and went on: “Anyway, he says to the woman who answers the door, ‘Are you Mrs. Jones the widow?’ And she says, ‘Well, I’m Mrs. Jones, but I’m not a widow,’ and he says, ‘Ah well, you haven’t seen what I’ve got in the box.’”
    And then he had to sit down in his extremely snug tights, he was laughing so much. He will never ever get up again. That is a fact.
    10:30 p.m.
    The tart and vicars are in the garden. They’ve put the loudspeakers outside so that the whole world can enjoy the joy of Status Quo’s “Down Down Viva