aren’t working and that we wanted different things in life. I wanted children, he didn’t. He wanted me not to tour during baseball season, I did. Three hundred and sixty-five days since he told me that he’ll always love me, but that he was staying in Boston and accepting the job of General Manager of the major league baseball team, the Boston Renegades.
I glance into the mirror at Alex as she feeds her daughter. It’s hard not to be jealous of her, but I am. I could be her right now, but I chose to be alone. Cole wanted to get back together, to make a go of things, but I wasn’t in a good place in my life. I had just given up Ryan, for his own good, and needed to figure out a few things. A year with a therapist did that and while I was getting my head shrunk, Cole was falling in love with my best friend. Truth be told, I didn’t care. They fit together, but it’s hard not to be jealous when she’s holding the one thing I wanted Ryan and me to share and now never will.
I never thought the age difference would play a factor, but it did. In some ways, Ryan is still growing up, and being tied down to a wife and kids isn’t where he is in life. It’s where I’m at though and my clock is ticking, even more so now that Hayden is here and on tour. Every day I get to see my goddaughter and as much as I love her, I want my own. I want to feel the unconditional love for a child that I created with a man that I love. I want to hold him, rock him to sleep and be the first thing he sees in the morning. My desire is much stronger now than it was a year ago and I know I can do this on my own, but I don’t want to.
I’ve never, in the past nine years, stopped loving Ryan. To this day, I still wear my engagement ring. Maybe it’s because I’m not mentally healthy enough to accept that he’s gone or maybe I hope that he comes back. Neither answer is sufficient. I wear it because it reminds me of what I had and lost.
Cole comes into view and leans over Alex’s shoulder. He gently touches Hayden and her little hand shoots out of her blanket, grabbing his finger. He laughs at his daughter all while Alex gazes lovingly at her husband, both oblivious that I’m in the room. Looking at their happy family unit only hits home how much I need a change in my life.
I clear my throat. “Alex, how many days until the next show?” I ask without making eye contact for fear she’ll see what my eyes may tell her.
“You have five days. Why, what’s up?”
I stand and square my shoulders. “I’m going to head home and see my parents. I’ll meet you guys at the next stop, okay?” My voice is weak, and I can tell by her expression that she knows I’m up to something. I smile softly and walk toward my suitcase. She won’t question me with Cole in the room so if I pack quickly, I can be gone before the inquisition starts.
“You okay, Hadley girl?”
I nod, unable to answer Cole. He won’t pester me and for that I’m thankful. With my bag packed, I tell them goodbye and walk down the long corridor until I’m standing outside the venue. No one is expecting me to be outside, and I rather enjoy walking undetected with fans still trying to get out of the parking lot. I flag down a taxi and slide in the back, memories of me doing this so many years ago flashing before my eyes. I know I’m doing the right thing.
“Airport, please.”
M y chair leans back as I stare through my floor-to-ceiling windows onto the field. It’s a practice day and from what I can see, no one is really taking it seriously. My watch indicates that practice has just started, reminding me to give the manager more leeway than my predecessor. I told myself when I took this job that I’m not going to be that guy , the “young, gung-ho fresh-out-of-college kid who’s been called in to do something with the team” guy. That’s not me. At least that’s not my intention. I want to win and will do so at whatever cost without damaging the integrity of the
I glance into the mirror at Alex as she feeds her daughter. It’s hard not to be jealous of her, but I am. I could be her right now, but I chose to be alone. Cole wanted to get back together, to make a go of things, but I wasn’t in a good place in my life. I had just given up Ryan, for his own good, and needed to figure out a few things. A year with a therapist did that and while I was getting my head shrunk, Cole was falling in love with my best friend. Truth be told, I didn’t care. They fit together, but it’s hard not to be jealous when she’s holding the one thing I wanted Ryan and me to share and now never will.
I never thought the age difference would play a factor, but it did. In some ways, Ryan is still growing up, and being tied down to a wife and kids isn’t where he is in life. It’s where I’m at though and my clock is ticking, even more so now that Hayden is here and on tour. Every day I get to see my goddaughter and as much as I love her, I want my own. I want to feel the unconditional love for a child that I created with a man that I love. I want to hold him, rock him to sleep and be the first thing he sees in the morning. My desire is much stronger now than it was a year ago and I know I can do this on my own, but I don’t want to.
I’ve never, in the past nine years, stopped loving Ryan. To this day, I still wear my engagement ring. Maybe it’s because I’m not mentally healthy enough to accept that he’s gone or maybe I hope that he comes back. Neither answer is sufficient. I wear it because it reminds me of what I had and lost.
Cole comes into view and leans over Alex’s shoulder. He gently touches Hayden and her little hand shoots out of her blanket, grabbing his finger. He laughs at his daughter all while Alex gazes lovingly at her husband, both oblivious that I’m in the room. Looking at their happy family unit only hits home how much I need a change in my life.
I clear my throat. “Alex, how many days until the next show?” I ask without making eye contact for fear she’ll see what my eyes may tell her.
“You have five days. Why, what’s up?”
I stand and square my shoulders. “I’m going to head home and see my parents. I’ll meet you guys at the next stop, okay?” My voice is weak, and I can tell by her expression that she knows I’m up to something. I smile softly and walk toward my suitcase. She won’t question me with Cole in the room so if I pack quickly, I can be gone before the inquisition starts.
“You okay, Hadley girl?”
I nod, unable to answer Cole. He won’t pester me and for that I’m thankful. With my bag packed, I tell them goodbye and walk down the long corridor until I’m standing outside the venue. No one is expecting me to be outside, and I rather enjoy walking undetected with fans still trying to get out of the parking lot. I flag down a taxi and slide in the back, memories of me doing this so many years ago flashing before my eyes. I know I’m doing the right thing.
“Airport, please.”
M y chair leans back as I stare through my floor-to-ceiling windows onto the field. It’s a practice day and from what I can see, no one is really taking it seriously. My watch indicates that practice has just started, reminding me to give the manager more leeway than my predecessor. I told myself when I took this job that I’m not going to be that guy , the “young, gung-ho fresh-out-of-college kid who’s been called in to do something with the team” guy. That’s not me. At least that’s not my intention. I want to win and will do so at whatever cost without damaging the integrity of the
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