smoothing the tear-roughened skin. “If you think any of this affects the way I feel about you, baby…you couldn’t be more wrong.”
“But I’ve done things, Manny. Things I can’t even speak of,” she whispered in a tortured voice. “Every time I went out on a mission, I carried those pictures of Mom and Pop with me. I imagined you dead. Lifeless. And then I told myself that the only way to prevent the people I loved from paying for my mistakes was to do my job. So I traded someone else’s life for yours. God, I hate myself for those decisions. I hated myself for feeling guilty over keeping my family alive.”
More than ever, she looked like a lost little girl. Reminiscent of the toddler he’d found on the street so many years ago. The torture in her cloudy blue eyes was stark. Compelling. Very real.
He could well imagine what she’d been forced to do in the last three years. According to Tony, she’d gotten damn good at her job. He remembered her earlier statement that she wished she had just messed up a job and died. He knew now she’d been deadly serious. The weight of her burdens must have been unbearable.
“I’ll help you, Jules. If you’ll let me. Together we can get through this.” He felt useless. Could he turn his back on the misdeeds she’d performed? Misdeeds. He made it sound like she had offended someone. Dead people couldn’t be offended.
She shook her head vehemently. “Manny, no. You don’t understand.”
“Have you forgotten who I work for?” He forced her chin upwards so she looked at him. “I’m not without resources. I probably know more about the NFR than you do.”
Jules’s stomach twisted into a knot. There was too much Manny didn’t know about her situation. He couldn’t know everything. But what if he did? That scared the hell out of her. She wanted to trust him, believe in him completely. But how could she when he worked for the agency that controlled her fate?
She didn’t dread death as she had in the beginning. Her fear of her own mortality had faded in the wake of so much pain and terror.
A slow burn radiated over her cheeks as Manny’s gaze bored into her. He missed nothing. He could probably reach right into her thoughts and pluck one out at will. The CIA had chosen well when they’d recruited him. His sense of honor and duty made him a solid patriot.
Though she had told him things she’d never told another human being, things she’d kept locked deep within her, she felt no relief. She would’ve preferred he never know of the humiliation she’d suffered. She felt dirty and used. No better than a piece of trash someone had discarded. But they hadn’t even thrown her away. How she wished they had. Then she could have crawled home and licked her wounds.
Instead, she’d embarked on a life she hated. No, it wasn’t a life. It was an existence. She functioned. She’d given up living a long time ago.
Manny’s hand slid around her neck and massaged the nape gently. His eyes glowed with concern, love, all the things she didn’t deserve. Right now she hated herself more than ever before. Not even killing someone in cold blood could be worse than plotting to betray this man.
“Where are you, baby?”
She ducked her head guiltily. She should just ditch Manny and get to D.C. on her own. Being so close to him was only going to bring him greater attention from the people trying to kill her. Could she live with herself if she caused his death? The answer was a categorical no. She’d already killed her parents. And who cared if they were her real parents or not? They’d loved her like a daughter. She’d loved them.
“Jules? Are you okay?” Manny sounded worried now.
She stared up at him, trying to summon a reassuring smile, but she couldn’t smile when all she felt was overwhelming grief. “No,” she said honestly. “I’m not. I’m not sure I’ll ever be okay.”
He framed her face in his hands, and her heart lurched as he lowered his lips
“But I’ve done things, Manny. Things I can’t even speak of,” she whispered in a tortured voice. “Every time I went out on a mission, I carried those pictures of Mom and Pop with me. I imagined you dead. Lifeless. And then I told myself that the only way to prevent the people I loved from paying for my mistakes was to do my job. So I traded someone else’s life for yours. God, I hate myself for those decisions. I hated myself for feeling guilty over keeping my family alive.”
More than ever, she looked like a lost little girl. Reminiscent of the toddler he’d found on the street so many years ago. The torture in her cloudy blue eyes was stark. Compelling. Very real.
He could well imagine what she’d been forced to do in the last three years. According to Tony, she’d gotten damn good at her job. He remembered her earlier statement that she wished she had just messed up a job and died. He knew now she’d been deadly serious. The weight of her burdens must have been unbearable.
“I’ll help you, Jules. If you’ll let me. Together we can get through this.” He felt useless. Could he turn his back on the misdeeds she’d performed? Misdeeds. He made it sound like she had offended someone. Dead people couldn’t be offended.
She shook her head vehemently. “Manny, no. You don’t understand.”
“Have you forgotten who I work for?” He forced her chin upwards so she looked at him. “I’m not without resources. I probably know more about the NFR than you do.”
Jules’s stomach twisted into a knot. There was too much Manny didn’t know about her situation. He couldn’t know everything. But what if he did? That scared the hell out of her. She wanted to trust him, believe in him completely. But how could she when he worked for the agency that controlled her fate?
She didn’t dread death as she had in the beginning. Her fear of her own mortality had faded in the wake of so much pain and terror.
A slow burn radiated over her cheeks as Manny’s gaze bored into her. He missed nothing. He could probably reach right into her thoughts and pluck one out at will. The CIA had chosen well when they’d recruited him. His sense of honor and duty made him a solid patriot.
Though she had told him things she’d never told another human being, things she’d kept locked deep within her, she felt no relief. She would’ve preferred he never know of the humiliation she’d suffered. She felt dirty and used. No better than a piece of trash someone had discarded. But they hadn’t even thrown her away. How she wished they had. Then she could have crawled home and licked her wounds.
Instead, she’d embarked on a life she hated. No, it wasn’t a life. It was an existence. She functioned. She’d given up living a long time ago.
Manny’s hand slid around her neck and massaged the nape gently. His eyes glowed with concern, love, all the things she didn’t deserve. Right now she hated herself more than ever before. Not even killing someone in cold blood could be worse than plotting to betray this man.
“Where are you, baby?”
She ducked her head guiltily. She should just ditch Manny and get to D.C. on her own. Being so close to him was only going to bring him greater attention from the people trying to kill her. Could she live with herself if she caused his death? The answer was a categorical no. She’d already killed her parents. And who cared if they were her real parents or not? They’d loved her like a daughter. She’d loved them.
“Jules? Are you okay?” Manny sounded worried now.
She stared up at him, trying to summon a reassuring smile, but she couldn’t smile when all she felt was overwhelming grief. “No,” she said honestly. “I’m not. I’m not sure I’ll ever be okay.”
He framed her face in his hands, and her heart lurched as he lowered his lips
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