capable of, “I was a mess after that and wracked with guilt. I know it is irrational, but I still felt guilty. I had these panic attacks at school after the funeral. I hugged mom, dad, and everyone I knew, as often as I could. School ended and I was just a ghost of myself, I felt like my love of life had died with Ratiana. I felt gloomy and depressed all the time. So I changed my look to reflect that. I think she was still influencing my decisions, I went goth, like Sally.”
I exhaled and calmed myself. “Summer had begun, a letter arrived from the art academy and I just hid it away, unopened. Mom and Isaac sat me down to have a serious talk with me. They were concerned about my radical personality change and were talking about things like therapists and the who gambit. It was Isaac that knocked me out of my funk.”
I grinned a little in the memory as I said wistfully, “He grabbed my hand and said to me, 'Life is really the shits sometimes, baby doll. It's how we take the hits and keep on slogging forward that defines us. Ratiana loved you with all her heart, you were her role model. Do you really think she would want you to suffer the way you are now? Or live your life to the fullest? To embrace the world and make it smile the way you used to? What would she tell you if she were here right now?'”
Jen pulled back to look at me, her eyes were mesmerizing and I gave her a small smile and said, “I told him, 'She'd want me to be happy. She said I'd do great. And there wasn't anything I couldn't do.' He had just cocked an expectant eyebrow at me and I sobbed into his shoulder. I tried hard the rest of the summer to be the person my little sis looked up to. I don't want to disappoint her. I could feel my happiness and hyperactivity slowly returning, and I felt so guilty about it. I never changed my look, I kind of liked the way people reacted to it by then.”
I gave her an embarrassed look. “One weekend, mom asked, 'Doesn't the new school year start at the art academy Monday? Why didn't they ever respond to your application? The commercial artwork you sent in was unbelievable Zil.' That's when I remembered the letter. I ran and got it and opened it with my parents. I had been accepted, and I got a partial scholarship instead of a full one because of my mediocre grades. They said it was the commercial art instructor that swayed their vote because she was really impressed and intrigued by my mock advertisements.”
I shrugged and said with a sad chuckle, “We thought it was too late to accept. Isaac called the school and explained we had a death in the family, and they were very understanding and said so long as I made up any missed assignments I could arrive at any time. I told them it would be two weeks because I had to give my employer a two-week notice at the printing shop I was interning at, preparing art for the press and doing the books. The Academy commended me for my professionalism and work ethic.”
I smiled genuinely at the next. “That's when I met June, Sammi, Abbey and the rest of June's Eight. I felt with them, the same way I felt with Ratiana, like they were my sisters. It wasn't the same intensity, but damn close. I'll always have a hole in my heart where my baby sister lives, but these incredible girls helped bring my happiness back. And damn are they all great huggers. Grawl.”
Then I admitted my other shame, “I've never been home since. It's been thirteen years. I still speak with mom and dad occasionally, and send cards and gifts, I just can't bring myself to go home. I can't feel that pain again. I miss Ratiana so much.” Then I shrugged and murmured, “Maybe it's time, I'm just a coward.”
Jen looked at me, into me, through me, I couldn't read anything in her expression, but her eyes threatened to drown me in their intensity.
She whispered, “Oh Zilrita.” Then she just held me for a while and I
I exhaled and calmed myself. “Summer had begun, a letter arrived from the art academy and I just hid it away, unopened. Mom and Isaac sat me down to have a serious talk with me. They were concerned about my radical personality change and were talking about things like therapists and the who gambit. It was Isaac that knocked me out of my funk.”
I grinned a little in the memory as I said wistfully, “He grabbed my hand and said to me, 'Life is really the shits sometimes, baby doll. It's how we take the hits and keep on slogging forward that defines us. Ratiana loved you with all her heart, you were her role model. Do you really think she would want you to suffer the way you are now? Or live your life to the fullest? To embrace the world and make it smile the way you used to? What would she tell you if she were here right now?'”
Jen pulled back to look at me, her eyes were mesmerizing and I gave her a small smile and said, “I told him, 'She'd want me to be happy. She said I'd do great. And there wasn't anything I couldn't do.' He had just cocked an expectant eyebrow at me and I sobbed into his shoulder. I tried hard the rest of the summer to be the person my little sis looked up to. I don't want to disappoint her. I could feel my happiness and hyperactivity slowly returning, and I felt so guilty about it. I never changed my look, I kind of liked the way people reacted to it by then.”
I gave her an embarrassed look. “One weekend, mom asked, 'Doesn't the new school year start at the art academy Monday? Why didn't they ever respond to your application? The commercial artwork you sent in was unbelievable Zil.' That's when I remembered the letter. I ran and got it and opened it with my parents. I had been accepted, and I got a partial scholarship instead of a full one because of my mediocre grades. They said it was the commercial art instructor that swayed their vote because she was really impressed and intrigued by my mock advertisements.”
I shrugged and said with a sad chuckle, “We thought it was too late to accept. Isaac called the school and explained we had a death in the family, and they were very understanding and said so long as I made up any missed assignments I could arrive at any time. I told them it would be two weeks because I had to give my employer a two-week notice at the printing shop I was interning at, preparing art for the press and doing the books. The Academy commended me for my professionalism and work ethic.”
I smiled genuinely at the next. “That's when I met June, Sammi, Abbey and the rest of June's Eight. I felt with them, the same way I felt with Ratiana, like they were my sisters. It wasn't the same intensity, but damn close. I'll always have a hole in my heart where my baby sister lives, but these incredible girls helped bring my happiness back. And damn are they all great huggers. Grawl.”
Then I admitted my other shame, “I've never been home since. It's been thirteen years. I still speak with mom and dad occasionally, and send cards and gifts, I just can't bring myself to go home. I can't feel that pain again. I miss Ratiana so much.” Then I shrugged and murmured, “Maybe it's time, I'm just a coward.”
Jen looked at me, into me, through me, I couldn't read anything in her expression, but her eyes threatened to drown me in their intensity.
She whispered, “Oh Zilrita.” Then she just held me for a while and I
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