cutting and the anger, maybe it’s her way of asking for help? I don’t know – I’m just looking for answers really. You’re the experts. But I think this is serious; I think she’s verging on psychosis, doctor.’
‘OK, thank you, Mrs Morgan.’ Dr Caldwell turned to me again. ‘Audrey, how do you feel about all this? Would you agree with the way your mum’s described how you’re feeling? Or is there something else, anything else you’d like to tell me?’
Mum looked at me; they both did. The air in the room was very still. I could hear them breathing, hear my own heartbeat, the scream on my skin.
‘I’m fine.’ And there was my voice. So pathetic. So small. I wasn’t a mouse. I tried again.
‘I just want to be left alone. I’ll be all right if everyone leaves me alone.’ And now tears welling. That wouldn’t help. I wrapped my arms round my knees, folding myself into the chair and stared at the floor. I didn’t want to hear Mum’s tears.
‘As I said, she’s difficult. I try and get her help and she won’t cooperate. Messes about with her medication.’
The doctor held out her hands, her voice gentle.
‘Your mum says you’ve been self-harming, Audrey. Can I see?’
‘Look at the state of her – I mean –’ Mum threw her arms up in despair.
I let the doctor touch me, pull up my sleeves and inspect the wounds. I didn’t want this. Didn’t want anyone to see. It was my body and it was ruined. Hurting. The pain was private, not Mum’s to give to the rest of the world.
‘Yes, these are deep. Quite nasty. I’ll clean and dress them. Although by the looks of things someone else has done a good job.’ She glanced up at Mum.
‘That was me. I’m a nurse.’ Mum smiled. ‘It’s the least I can do for her. I just want to help Audrey; I’m desperate for her to be happy. To have the things other girls her age have. Friends, some fun.’
Mum
, I cried in my head.
Mum, please. Don’t you see that I want that too?
Mum didn’t see. She was wiping her eyes on her sleeve.
‘Of course,’ Dr Caldwell murmured. Calm. Serene. How could she be like that? Didn’t she get it, that my lifewas a sheet of black ice, that I was slithering, sliding, out of control?
The doctor worked quickly. I watched her light-brown glossy hair catching the sun, wished I smelled of summer and had soft clear skin like hers, sharp clever eyes. Her touch was light. She smiled at me as she dealt with the mess on my arms and chatted about nothing much.
‘So you don’t like school, Audrey?’
‘Not really,’ I said, and Mum sighed but I ignored her. I wasn’t speaking to her now, or for the rest of the day. Forever.
‘And why’s that?’ the doctor pressed on.
There was no point moaning about Lizzy.
‘She’s being bullied. I’ve had the teachers on the phone already,’ Mum said. The doctor murmured something about talking to the school, sorting out my medication, referring me to some AMHT.
‘And how about friends? Is there anyone else you can lean on for support, Mrs Morgan? Is Dad around?’
‘Oh, no.’ Mum coughed out an angry laugh. ‘He opted out pretty sharpish. Aud was, what, six, seven? I have a son too to worry about. God knows the impact all this is having on him. I just feel so guilty, like I’m letting everyone down. Audrey included.’
‘You mustn’t feel like that. From where I’m sitting, it looks like you’re doing a pretty incredible job. But we’re here to help. Both of you. As I said, anything I can do, let me know.’
The doctor started printing off prescriptions. She talked over the sound of the printer.
‘You should hear from the hospital soon, I’ll try and ensure things happen sooner rather than later.’
‘Thank you. You’ve been absolutely wonderful, Dr Caldwell.’
‘As I said, anytime. Pop back if you need me. I’m writing a paper on adolescent mental health, so I’m glad to be here for you. I’ll take an interest in Audrey’s progress. We’ll get on
‘OK, thank you, Mrs Morgan.’ Dr Caldwell turned to me again. ‘Audrey, how do you feel about all this? Would you agree with the way your mum’s described how you’re feeling? Or is there something else, anything else you’d like to tell me?’
Mum looked at me; they both did. The air in the room was very still. I could hear them breathing, hear my own heartbeat, the scream on my skin.
‘I’m fine.’ And there was my voice. So pathetic. So small. I wasn’t a mouse. I tried again.
‘I just want to be left alone. I’ll be all right if everyone leaves me alone.’ And now tears welling. That wouldn’t help. I wrapped my arms round my knees, folding myself into the chair and stared at the floor. I didn’t want to hear Mum’s tears.
‘As I said, she’s difficult. I try and get her help and she won’t cooperate. Messes about with her medication.’
The doctor held out her hands, her voice gentle.
‘Your mum says you’ve been self-harming, Audrey. Can I see?’
‘Look at the state of her – I mean –’ Mum threw her arms up in despair.
I let the doctor touch me, pull up my sleeves and inspect the wounds. I didn’t want this. Didn’t want anyone to see. It was my body and it was ruined. Hurting. The pain was private, not Mum’s to give to the rest of the world.
‘Yes, these are deep. Quite nasty. I’ll clean and dress them. Although by the looks of things someone else has done a good job.’ She glanced up at Mum.
‘That was me. I’m a nurse.’ Mum smiled. ‘It’s the least I can do for her. I just want to help Audrey; I’m desperate for her to be happy. To have the things other girls her age have. Friends, some fun.’
Mum
, I cried in my head.
Mum, please. Don’t you see that I want that too?
Mum didn’t see. She was wiping her eyes on her sleeve.
‘Of course,’ Dr Caldwell murmured. Calm. Serene. How could she be like that? Didn’t she get it, that my lifewas a sheet of black ice, that I was slithering, sliding, out of control?
The doctor worked quickly. I watched her light-brown glossy hair catching the sun, wished I smelled of summer and had soft clear skin like hers, sharp clever eyes. Her touch was light. She smiled at me as she dealt with the mess on my arms and chatted about nothing much.
‘So you don’t like school, Audrey?’
‘Not really,’ I said, and Mum sighed but I ignored her. I wasn’t speaking to her now, or for the rest of the day. Forever.
‘And why’s that?’ the doctor pressed on.
There was no point moaning about Lizzy.
‘She’s being bullied. I’ve had the teachers on the phone already,’ Mum said. The doctor murmured something about talking to the school, sorting out my medication, referring me to some AMHT.
‘And how about friends? Is there anyone else you can lean on for support, Mrs Morgan? Is Dad around?’
‘Oh, no.’ Mum coughed out an angry laugh. ‘He opted out pretty sharpish. Aud was, what, six, seven? I have a son too to worry about. God knows the impact all this is having on him. I just feel so guilty, like I’m letting everyone down. Audrey included.’
‘You mustn’t feel like that. From where I’m sitting, it looks like you’re doing a pretty incredible job. But we’re here to help. Both of you. As I said, anything I can do, let me know.’
The doctor started printing off prescriptions. She talked over the sound of the printer.
‘You should hear from the hospital soon, I’ll try and ensure things happen sooner rather than later.’
‘Thank you. You’ve been absolutely wonderful, Dr Caldwell.’
‘As I said, anytime. Pop back if you need me. I’m writing a paper on adolescent mental health, so I’m glad to be here for you. I’ll take an interest in Audrey’s progress. We’ll get on
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