begin.”
Luella felt tears stinging the back of her eyes. “Me either,” she said, staring out across the water at the steady pull of a rowing boat. They stood for a while. Eventually Luella broke the heavy silence between them.
“Before you say anything, Pete, I want you to know that I’ve had time to give this a lot of thought. I’m over the first shock and…” she turned to face him “…and it was a terrible shock, but I am trying to come to terms with it, whatever ‘it’ is. I’m sufficiently mature to recognize this can’t have been easy for you…and, well, I want you to know that I’m not angry anymore. I’m terribly sad if you want to know. Terribly sad.”
Peter motioned to interrupt and she put her hand up toward him to stop him. “I suppose what I’m saying,” she said slowly, “is that I need to understand. Pete, are you in love with this man?”
Peter stared at the ground. “I wish it were as simple as that, but yes.” He sighed.
They reached a park bench near an old wooden summer-house and sat down next to each other awkwardly.
“Do you think it might help for us to see a counselor?” he volunteered, breaking the silence.
“A marriage guidance counselor?” Luella was incredulous. “I think that’s hardly appropriate given we can’t possibly rescue our marriage.”
Peter sighed heavily. “But maybe, if you understood, we could salvage our friendship. I can’t imagine my life without you in it, Lu.”
Luella’s voice shook. “Pete. Do you know how degrading it was for me to walk into Dr. Robert’s surgery and ask to be tested for STDs?”
“You didn’t need to. I told you. I’ve only had one lover.”
Lover. Luella winced. He could have said ‘relationship’ or ‘experience’ but no, he’d said ‘lover.’ How incredible that one simple word could carry such weight.
“Come on, Pete. Are you trying to tell me this man has been celibate his entire life? Are you screwing the pope? Not that THAT would rule anything out of course,” she added bitterly.
“Lu, I’m sorry I put you in that position, but for what it’s worth, we’ve been practicing safe sex and…”
Luella blanched.
“…and it’s not about sex. Well, the attraction is, but it’s more than that.”
“So did you never find me attractive? Did you ever enjoy sex with me?”
Peter stared at the ground kicking at the grass with his shoe. “Lu, of course I found you attractive.”
Luella lit a cigarette, inhaled deeply and exhaled the smoke in a loud rush. “Forget that. I suppose I’m asking if our whole life together has been an act for you. Look at me. Answer me,” she demanded. “Have you always known you liked other men? If we’d not lost the baby, would that have changed things? For fuck’s sake, Peter, did I ever know you?”
An elderly woman walked past flashing Luella a disapproving look. “Fuck. Yes. I said fuck,” Luella muttered. “It’s a fucking park not a fucking church…and…if you want to know, this is my husband here and he’s been fucking another MAN!”
Luella stamped out her cigarette, trembling uncontrollably. The woman walked on quickly, looking over her shoulder a few times as she went. Luella leapt to her feet.
“I’m not ready to talk, Pete. I have to go.”
Peter took her arm gently. “Please, can we meet again soon?”
“Maybe,” she said. “Yes. Yes, okay. Just give me a bit more time. I can’t think straight right now.” She pulled out a Kleenex and blew her nose. “Look at me; I’m a complete mess and I have to go into the office this afternoon.”
“I can’t find words to tell you how dreadful I feel for putting you through this,” he said.
“You know, Peter, some mornings I wake up and I’ve forgotten for a moment that this is happening. Then the enormity of it floods over me. I feel engulfed. I am trying so desperately to understand and to accept it, but…I think I am still in shock.”
“I understand,” he said softly.
Luella felt tears stinging the back of her eyes. “Me either,” she said, staring out across the water at the steady pull of a rowing boat. They stood for a while. Eventually Luella broke the heavy silence between them.
“Before you say anything, Pete, I want you to know that I’ve had time to give this a lot of thought. I’m over the first shock and…” she turned to face him “…and it was a terrible shock, but I am trying to come to terms with it, whatever ‘it’ is. I’m sufficiently mature to recognize this can’t have been easy for you…and, well, I want you to know that I’m not angry anymore. I’m terribly sad if you want to know. Terribly sad.”
Peter motioned to interrupt and she put her hand up toward him to stop him. “I suppose what I’m saying,” she said slowly, “is that I need to understand. Pete, are you in love with this man?”
Peter stared at the ground. “I wish it were as simple as that, but yes.” He sighed.
They reached a park bench near an old wooden summer-house and sat down next to each other awkwardly.
“Do you think it might help for us to see a counselor?” he volunteered, breaking the silence.
“A marriage guidance counselor?” Luella was incredulous. “I think that’s hardly appropriate given we can’t possibly rescue our marriage.”
Peter sighed heavily. “But maybe, if you understood, we could salvage our friendship. I can’t imagine my life without you in it, Lu.”
Luella’s voice shook. “Pete. Do you know how degrading it was for me to walk into Dr. Robert’s surgery and ask to be tested for STDs?”
“You didn’t need to. I told you. I’ve only had one lover.”
Lover. Luella winced. He could have said ‘relationship’ or ‘experience’ but no, he’d said ‘lover.’ How incredible that one simple word could carry such weight.
“Come on, Pete. Are you trying to tell me this man has been celibate his entire life? Are you screwing the pope? Not that THAT would rule anything out of course,” she added bitterly.
“Lu, I’m sorry I put you in that position, but for what it’s worth, we’ve been practicing safe sex and…”
Luella blanched.
“…and it’s not about sex. Well, the attraction is, but it’s more than that.”
“So did you never find me attractive? Did you ever enjoy sex with me?”
Peter stared at the ground kicking at the grass with his shoe. “Lu, of course I found you attractive.”
Luella lit a cigarette, inhaled deeply and exhaled the smoke in a loud rush. “Forget that. I suppose I’m asking if our whole life together has been an act for you. Look at me. Answer me,” she demanded. “Have you always known you liked other men? If we’d not lost the baby, would that have changed things? For fuck’s sake, Peter, did I ever know you?”
An elderly woman walked past flashing Luella a disapproving look. “Fuck. Yes. I said fuck,” Luella muttered. “It’s a fucking park not a fucking church…and…if you want to know, this is my husband here and he’s been fucking another MAN!”
Luella stamped out her cigarette, trembling uncontrollably. The woman walked on quickly, looking over her shoulder a few times as she went. Luella leapt to her feet.
“I’m not ready to talk, Pete. I have to go.”
Peter took her arm gently. “Please, can we meet again soon?”
“Maybe,” she said. “Yes. Yes, okay. Just give me a bit more time. I can’t think straight right now.” She pulled out a Kleenex and blew her nose. “Look at me; I’m a complete mess and I have to go into the office this afternoon.”
“I can’t find words to tell you how dreadful I feel for putting you through this,” he said.
“You know, Peter, some mornings I wake up and I’ve forgotten for a moment that this is happening. Then the enormity of it floods over me. I feel engulfed. I am trying so desperately to understand and to accept it, but…I think I am still in shock.”
“I understand,” he said softly.
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