Less Than Hero by S.G. Browne

can’t do it while you guys are watching.”
    He says the same thing in public restrooms when he refuses to use the urinals.
    “Isaac?” Vic says. “You want to give one of them a boner?”
    Isaac laughs and looks around like a kid in a spelling bee who can’t remember how to spell bacon .
    “I d-don’t think I can right n-now,” he says. “It just d-doesn’t feel right.”
    “I’ll give it a shot.” Randy stands up and looks around andpicks out a fiftyish woman sitting on a nearby bench, reading a paperback.
    Rashes caused by prescription drugs can come in a variety of flavors, including hives, purpuric eruptions, and Stevens-Johnson syndrome—which is a hive-like rash on the lining of the mouth. Not something you’d want to list on your Match.com profile.
    While Randy tries to make the woman break out in a rash or hives or seborrheic dermatitis, I turn to Vic. “So how many people have you made throw up?”
    “I don’t know,” Vic says. “Three or four.”
    I get the impression he’s lowballing me. “Is that all?”
    “Maybe more,” he says with a shrug and a smile.
    “How many more?” I ask.
    “Let’s not focus on numbers,” Vic says. “Instead, let’s focus on Randy’s attempt to give that woman herpes.”
    “Is he really going to give her herpes?” Charlie asks.
    “Not if he wears a condom,” Vic says.
    Isaac laughs while Charlie gets a puzzled expression on his face and looks at me for help.
    “He’s kidding,” I say.
    “Oh,” Charlie says, then laughs. “I get it.”
    He doesn’t.
    Randy, meanwhile, isn’t having any more luck than Charlie, so he gives up and sits back down. “I can’t get it to work.”
    “That’s because you haven’t learned how to develop your trigger,” Vic says.
    “What’s that?” Charlie asks.
    “Just before I make someone throw up, I get nauseous,” Vicsays. “Then this pressure builds up inside of me until I think I’m about to throw up, which is when I project my side effect. But the nausea is where everything starts.”
    Nausea and vomiting are listed as possible reactions for nearly every prescription drug on the market, from antidepressants to sleeping pills to opioids. They’re like the Starbucks of side effects. They’re everywhere.
    “For me, my lips go numb,” I say.
    “I get cold,” Charlie says. “Like my stomach fills up with ice.”
    “I feel like someone rubbed Bengay all over my balls,” Randy says, a little too loud, and several people walking past get treated to the out-of-context statement of the day.
    “How about you, Isaac?” I ask.
    “It’s kind of like R-Randy,” he says. “Only d-different.”
    “Whatever it is,” Vic says, “the trick is to access that trigger on your own rather than having it just happen. You need to re-create the circumstances that exist just before your lips go numb or your stomach fills with ice or your nuts start to burn. That’s the key to success.”
    The keynote speaker at my college graduation said the key to success was hard work, ingenuity, and perseverance.
    “I want to see you d-do it,” Isaac says. “I want to see you m-m-make someone throw up.”
    “All right,” Vic says. “I don’t think you’ll learn anything by watching me, but let’s pick out a target.”
    “How about one of them?” Charlie points to the two teenagers still playing Frisbee.
    Vic shakes his head. “They’re not doing anything to deserve having me make them blow chunks.”
    “I didn’t realize there were rules,” Randy says.
    “There are always rules,” Vic says. “Of course, rules are made to be broken.”
    At the moment, it seems like we’re breaking all sorts of rules. Rules of biology. Rules of physics. Rules of nature. Eventually we’ll probably have to consider the philosophical implications of what’s happening to us, but right now we’re just having some fun.
    We all look around, trying to find a target for Vic so he can make them throw up—not exactly how I thought